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Purchased Aneros and afraid to tell girlfriend.
  • Hi I'm new here and have just ordered my first Aneros Helix Prostate Massager (Though it hasn't arrived yet) but I'm very worried about how my girlfriend will react when or if I tell her about it.

    First off I have a girlfriend that I've been with for two years, I love her dearly and do not want to leave her as she is my world.
    However, I have had a fetish for pegging and anal stimulation for some time, I'm straight and have had no desires to be with a man.
    But here's the problem, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend views any anal pleasure for a man to be a sure sign that he is homosexual. I've never actually approached her about this so I'm not certain. I think this mainly because of the things she has said, she has made it clear she will not engage in anal sex which I'm fine with, she said that a man that enjoys giving anal sex to a woman should find a man to do it with...
    I think her father may be the cause of this though as she idolizes him, but he is very homophobic and won't even drink out of a cup if it has a funny color or pattern on it.

    She did however admit to me that her ex-boyfriend liked anal stimulation and she would often do it for him, but she also told me she thinks he might have been gay because of this, but this may have been for my benefit as this was early in the relationship and maybe she didn't want me to think it was weird? She also went on to explain to me that a man has a g-spot that can be stimulated, I already know about this but didn't want to go too much into it with her in the early stages of the relationship.

    I lost my virginity to my girlfriend, but even from the very beginning it was hard for me to ejaculate, I've always found it much easier to ejaculate when my prostate is being massaged, sometimes I would go on for hours without ejaculating and then go limp, lately I've been going limp a lot sooner and it really upsets her when I don't ejaculate.

    Now I'm quite certain the Aneros will help a lot with this, and to be honest I think it would benefit the both of us, however I am really worried about approaching this subject as I do not want to lose her, or for her to think of me any differently.

    Does anyone here have any advice for me regarding this issue? I would really appreciate any help or advice. Thanks
  • newguy8762
    Posts: 198
    Ricky,
    If intimate relationships are to survive and thrive, there has to be openness and honesty. There's nothing gay about prostate or anal stimulation. There are a lot of neves around the anus and prostate and it feels good to be touched there. This is true if you're straight or gay. So, you just need to confront this head on. More and more straight guys are feeling the freedom to be open about exploring this aspect of their sexuality, as evidenced by this site. And, to be truthful, straight guys have been sticking all kinds of things in their rear for thousands of years as part of either masturbation or couple sex...their own fingers, dildos, cucumbers, bananas, you name it. It's just that nobody talked much about it. You don't really ever tell your buddies how you jack off do you?

    I suggest that you play a little game where you each take a piece of paper and write down the ten sexual things you'd like to do/try with one another. Go off on your own, then come back and compare lists. The rule you put down before you do this is that the other person does not have to feel obligated to do any of the things you put on your list and they cannot use them to wound you in any way. You must be free to just dream and have fun.

    Then come back together and each of you share the items on your list. A couple things will happen...
    1. You will each have many of the same items on your list. This is a great way to explore mutually enjoyable territory.
    2. The items on your list but not on her and her list but not on yours might get both of you very excited because they are new ideas.
    3. It will open up your relationship as nothing else.

    Of course, you'll put "being fingered, getting a prostate massage, using a strap on, etc." as a couple of the items on your list. You may be surprise that she puts there on her list too.

    Try it. I think you'll like it.

    If your relationship cannot survive this kind of openness, then I'm sorry to say, you'd be tying yourself to a person that's just not as adventurous as you are and that could create a lot of frustration and disappointment down the line.
  • Thank you very much, I think you are right when you say it could cause a lot of frustration and disappointment down the line, I honestly think this could cause some problems later on if I'm not honest as it's already affecting me/us.

    Your idea with the list is brilliant and I may suggest this to her, though I'm also afraid that she may see me differently afterwards.

    I've always tried to shy away from the anal play when alone, but over the last few years I've started to embrace it more, and now I can't seem to go without it, and the fact that I've started to accept it seems to have given me a confidence boost, I feel better within myself for admitting it to myself which in turn makes me want to open up more to my girlfriend, but there always seems to be something stopping me and I believe it's the stigma that's attached to the whole thing.

    Honestly I think the problem may just be within me, I've always worried a lot about what others think of me and have had self-esteem issues in the past. We both love each other very much and I don't think there's a whole lot we won't do for each other, I just don't want her doing something that she's not comfortable with. I know she's already engaged in anal play with an ex-partner so I'm sure this wont effect our relationship in any serious way, plus I can educate her more on the subject if she has any worries.

    Plus I have dropped hints in the past about anal play and one night she went to actually massage my prostate until I bottled it at the last minute, we didn't talk about it beforehand and didn't speak about it afterwards either, and that's basically where it's stayed since.

    So again I think this must just be a confidence/self-esteem issue on my part.

    Like I said I've already ordered the Aneros and already I'm planning on telling my girlfriend that I may have a solution to my 'libido problem', I just hope I don't bottle it again and just keep hiding this part of me from her as I know it will not be healthy.

    Again I thank you for your response and will definitely consider the list idea.
  • Theme_Gasm
    Posts: 311
    IMHO...You may be overthinking the issues! If she is already willing to massage your prostate, you've got a keeper there Ricky!
  • rookrook
    Posts: 1,604

    hmmm... familiar refrain... been there, done (some of) that.

    First off...  I think you aren't, "overthinking."  This isn't a Car Lease that you can terminate in 36 mos.  It may seem 'harsh' but some sober, 'due diligence' may save you and your marriage in the years to come... and without loosing your true love in the immediate future.

    I think the above posts recognize issues that typically arise when a husband options to be solitary and/or secretive about his anal practices.

    Second... The anxiety from secretive behaviors or self-induced guilt can be guaranteed to spoil the pleasures that normally accrue from a healthy Aneros practice.  So, not dealing with this now can cause you to loose in two ways.

    Several years ago, in response to an Oprah/Laura Berman TV series, my wife and I listed some unfilfilled personal desires and discussed our favorite stim points. That provided the very sort of recognition and communication that <newguy8782>'s post suggested.  In turn, those lists led us to re-think means to stim my male g-spot.

    From there we visited a local adult store where my wife bought me my first Aneros... a nice white Helix!

    My wife and I were both sexually active for a decade before we married.  Once married we became monogamous and have remained so for over 45 years. It's mutually important that both of us treasure and never cast a shadow on our monogamous vow.

    Shortly before our marriage she admitted to a prior ugly anal experience and asked that our married sex life exclude mutual anal play.  I agreed that I could abide by that but made it clear that I would occasionally pleasure myself with enema or anal toys.'

    I've since asked her to consider pegging and that hasn't made it onto the table yet; however, she has started "sawing" at my "man hole" with a dildo, once she dons gloves.  That hasn't been extended to using a gloved finger to do a simple prostate massage but I continue to have hopes.  Bottom line here is, "ask early and you might receive."

    My experience is that women collect general information on male sexuality more from other female friends than from their Fathers.  In my own case, my wife seemed sensitive to my orientation from square-one and pronounced me as "not gay" during our third date.  

    My wife has two friends who are HIV positive as a result of their bi-husbands not abiding by safe sex practices.  Those situations have weighed heavily on her attitude toward bi-sexuality.  Incidentally, she shares your g/f's emphasis on thorough ejaculation.

    Some of the larger Aneros toys can throttle ejaculation velocity/pressure in some men.  It might be well to also buy an SGX or Peridise. Either should give you an erectile 'boost' during foreplay but let you have 'free flow' when you pull the trigger.

    An alternative...  tie a shoelace to the handle on the Helix so that your g/f can pull it out when she gives you that magic Kegel squeeze that pulls the trigger for you.

    Keep in mind that many married Anerosians place importance on rewiring to become multi-orgasmic during foreplay.  Sharing dry-orgasms with your wife's Super-Os and extending foreplay is worth that effort.  In this Forum, we seldom hear of any man, (gay or str8) whose mates complain of their multi-orgasmic capacity.

    I don't hide my toys and my douche gear is permanently plumbed into our shower.  I just make sure that there's a ready supply of my wife's favorite bath beads and perfumed candles available near our bathtub.  Good news is that, last year I gave her an EVI for foreplay but it's now a part of her own 'pleasuring' toybox! 

    Make sure your g/f has some of her own masturbation desires on that list and be sure you provide her with support and time for self-pleasuring.
  • Theme_Gasm
    Posts: 311
    Rook...I've got to hand it to you...you sure think things through! I shouldn't have minimized his thought process, especially since he seems to be very caring about not damaging his relationship! Thanks for being a good leader and setting a good example! I care as well, I just didn't put the right effort into my response!

    Ricky...Rook is one of the wisest I know in the Aneros world! Take heed!
  • Thank you very much for all this helpful information, it really is much appreciated. 
    So Rook, are you saying to be cautious when approaching this subject to my partner? That I should ease her into the idea? So maybe telling her that I have a prostate simulator would be a bit much for her when she doesn't really know that I enjoy having my prostate played with?

    Rook you say that you and your wife did the list idea similar to what newguy suggested? So do you think this could be the way forward for me and my g/f?

    I cannot express my gratitude for the help you have all given me, I was extremely worried about this issue and didn't know where to turn until I found this forum :)
  • newguy8762
    Posts: 198
    Ricky,
    The "things we'd like to do" sex list is an "ease into it" tool. It gives you both the freedom to bring up your secret desires in a non-threatening way. Remember, one of the first rules is that neither of you has to feel obligated to do any of the things on the other person's list. This is an exercise in brainstorming and creativity that MAY lead to some new, fun ideas for both of you to try.

    After the subject of anal play and prostate stimulation has been broached and maybe even after you've enjoyed it together several times...sometime later, you can bring up the "look what I found online when looking into this prostate thing, which has been so great" and then you introduce the Aneros. And buy her an Evi or Paradise set as well.

    Don't neglect her anal area. A lot of women love to have a finger(or penis) in both places. Put this on the list of things you'd like to do to her, if it is, and see how she responds. Anal sex was one of the things my wife and I both wanted to try and we both enjoyed it after we discovered it was on one another's lists. We dont do it that much but it's fun and a change of pace when we do and very loving and intimate.

    You may even find, as happened with my wife and I, that it opens the door for discussions about deeper fantasies that neither of you would ever do (such as a three-way, etc) but these conversations can be very liberating to each of you and she will feel even closer to you as a result.

    Another couple thoughts:
    1. People's sexual interests can change over time. When we got married, I had no interest in performing oral sex on my wife. It just wasn't something I was personally into. She was rather disappointed but never expressed it to me. But, because I love her and want to please her, over time, I became more and more open to it and finally did it one day and enjoyed it...a lot! Now, it's a turn on when before, I didn't see the appeal.

    From what you say about her, she's already into sticking her finger into her man. I think it's something she wants to do but may be hesitating because of your past experience with her on this. Many women love to finger their guy because it gives them an incredible feeling of intimacy (how could it not when you have your body part in someone else's body) and because they know it really gets men off. Prostate stimulation is in Cosmo and all the ladies magazines regularly now, so they all know and talk about it. Even pegging is becoming more popular with videos like Bend Over Boyfriend.

    2. Anal and prostate play through anal fingering (or other objects) is seen as dirty by a lot of people due to the possibility of running into junk in the trunk. Nobody wants a nasty surprise like that in the heat of sexual passion. So, assure her that hygiene and being clean is important to you. Use a water douch to clean out your rectum, as is talked about here, and shower beforehand so you're giving her something fresh and clean to enjoy.

    3. Show as much interest in the things on her list that are not on yours, as you do to the things on your list not on hers, if there are any. Many women feel, rightly so, that a guy just wants to get his rocks off and doesn't care about their pleasure. Make your goal to give her everything she wants and I guarantee, if she's the right kind of woman, she'll do everything she can to send you into another world of pleasure.
  • I guess I'm just afraid that she'll reject the idea of doing a list of sexual desires and maybe make fun of me for it. To be honest she rarely seemed to be into sex that much, I think the reason I lose my libido is because all she does is lay on her back until I'm done and puts no effort in. Though to be fair she did have in implant in which she recently had taken out and now her sex drive is out of control, she seems really passionate now without it in so I'm wondering if that was effecting her?

    I was thinking of approaching the issue by asking her about multiple orgasms and whether she experiences these often, and then letting her know that a man can also have multiple orgasms, from there I'll tell her about the prostate and the male G-spot and see how she reacts to it.

    I guess I'm just nervous about the whole thing. I received my Aneros today (along with a douche) and am eager to try it but need some alone time for that and we're hardly ever apart except for work ect, so as you can probably tell I'm also eager to let her in on this sexual desire of mine.
  • RTGoose
    Posts: 30

    A lot of the ideas here are good and open communication is ideal. That said, a lot of women (and men), for whatever complicated reason, just don't want to hear about anything beyond vanilla intercourse. Doggy style and maybe reading shades of grey is the most "kinky" thing they are into. Getting to the root of why that is? Man that's a tough, tough road.

    I thought of some options. I am "thinking out loud" here:

    If she doesn't go near your ass (which sounds like the case) and you think an aneros might help your issues then how about having sex a few times with the aneros in but not telling her? At some point maybe she'll remark how you've been harder/cumming quicker (which in this case is a good thing) and you can then reveal "well guess what ..."

    Do you think she'd have any interest in tantra? See if you can get here into that (from the "spiritual" non-aneros side) and then you can (quite legitimately) talk about a tool which helps a lot of men with tantra. "It's tantric training wheels" you can say ... which it is.

    Keeping it a secret. Not great but do-able.

    Telling her "I am doing this, you can join in, I'd love if you did; or it can be something I do by myself ... but it's happening."

    Also you really need to have a word with her about the whole "it means you are gay" thing. There is so much wrong with that (it doesn't ... there is such a thing as bi). She sounds like a "I'm not a ____" type. You know the type that says (and genuinely believes) they are not racist or homophobic and they'll say "I'm not a homophobe BUT ..." and then say something incredibly homophobic. Entirely separate from the issue of prostate massage ... it's just not a good way to think.

  • Thanks RTGoose, I was actually thinking about using it whilst having sex with her without her knowing but surely she would know it was in? Wouldn't she be able to see/feel one of the handles? But yeah I agree that if I used it with it in she would most certainly notice a difference in performance, to which I think she would more likely agree to me using it again once I tell her about it after.

    I'm a little confused about her views on the whole anal play as obviously we haven't discussed it. There have been times when she has hinted at anal play and times (maybe only once or twice) when she has commented on how 'gay' it is.

    For example, she has often joked about sticking her fingers in there and buying a dildo to use on me, which I (stupidly) laughed off. She has also told me how she has some friends who pleasure their partners with strap-on's quite often and engage in anal play, yet she never mentioned them being 'gay'.

    The only time she has really said about it being 'gay' is when she told me about her ex, which like I said before was early in the relationship and she may have said that for my benefit or to stop any awkwardness...

    The thing is, she has also joked about me being gay in the past which I've shrugged off. After embracing this sexual desire of mine I feel like I'm even more comfortable with my sexuality than before, so much so that I honestly don't care whether or not someone thinks I'm gay as I know I'm straight within myself, so if she was to joke about me being gay in future I'd just say 'think what you like' or even have a little fun with her and joke about it back, I'm starting to realise it wouldn't bother me much now because I know who I am and I've accepted it, I just don't want her seeing me differently after she realises I'm serious...

    I guess her father actually helps with that because he is so homophobic that I want to be the complete opposite, I don't want to be gay but I don't want to live in fear of people thinking I'm am, as he does, I have no problem with people who are and cannot understand why he is so against it?

    I suppose that's really my problem then, the fear of what people will think of me, something I need to overcome. I don't want to go shouting about my sexual fetishes to my family and friends but when confronted about it I'd like to be able to say to someone that I do indeed have a kinky side to me and that I'm not just some boring average joe.
  • mdad
    Posts: 90
    I don't know how old you are, but you sound like you are young. You know, the time in your life when you really cared what other people thought of you. At some point, as you get older, you get to the "I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks" age, and let me tell you, that's a GOLDEN milestone. I hit it around 35. That's the time in my life when I just got completely comfortable with who I am, the baggage I bring, the oddities that are part of me, and what I have to offer the world.

    I think you are overthinking this. Either your girlfriend loves you and would support your desire for pleasure, or you need to be with someone else. Period. You need to be open with her, and honest, and just tell her like it is. You love her. VERY much. And you have a fetish for pegging and anal pleasure. Done. She doesn't like it? She's out. Don't even give her the chance to approve or disapprove of how you want to enjoy the limited years you have on this earth. You are not asking her permission, or trying to see what she thinks of it. You've already decided you want this, and either she is with you on your life journey or she is too immature to be with you.

    Again, I'm generalizing about your age, but this is the kind of nervous-double-think-rules-crap that plagues people in their teens and twenties. It's why people love sleeping with older women and older men. The older partners teach them not just technique, but acceptance of all-things-sexual and the ability to let go and just enjoy pleasure for what it is. It's why women reach their peak in their 30's. Society has messed up women's heads for so long that it takes them until they get to the ""I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks" age to finally "GET IT".

    It's your life. You only live it once. Enjoy it. The earlier the better!

    Besides, I believe a true life partner, true love, would support you no matter what. I'd grow a penis on my wife's buttocks if she asked me to. Period.

    Oh, and I think we need to stop calling "pegging" a fetish. We don't call vibrators a fetish any more, do we? Pegging is mainstream. It's awesome for men, and fetish implies something deviant about it that I don't think applies any more.

    Sorry for the straight dope here. Can you tell I don't give a fuck what you think? Hehe I do, but not TOO much. :)

    Good luck!
  • XilehXileh
    Posts: 353

    @rickydsmith

    This is from the viewpoint of an old guy. It sounds like you have a lot going on in a young relationship that needs consideration:

    - Trust and comfort between you and your girl friend
    - Clear, open, and free communications between both of you
    - Trust in yourself
    - Sexual needs compatibility and acceptance between you both
    - Understanding what Gay is - she seems to think everyone is gay, why?
    - In-law issues - how much do their opinions matter?

    Goodness this is a lot. Although these are things that many relationships have to deal with, it takes time. Are you sure that you want to introduce something new if your priority is the relationship? If you aren't making progress on these issues, you may want to question the long term potential of the relationship. 

    When the trust develops, sharing the Aneros experience can be a new and fun addition to your shared erotic life.

    Xileh


  • Mdad you are so right about what you said. I'm 27 by the way and have always had an issue where I cared too much about what other people think of me, I envy and admire you for 'not giving a fuck' about what anyone else thinks or says about you, if I was to have that attitude I'd be in a better place in my life right now, I can only hope that I get to the same point one day soon where I can just say 'I don't give a fuck' any more.

    I really appreciate the honesty, and you know what, I'm going to start trying to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks, and with that, I think it's about time I should open up more to my partner.

    Which brings me to Xileh, I thank you for your advice too, you are also right about what you say, I need to be open, honest and clear, if we don't have 100% trust in each other then this relationship is destined to fail, I need to trust myself a lot more, my eye's have been opened from the advice you guys have given me, I just hope I can continue to feel this way and stop acting so frightened of what others might think or say.

    Again I thank you all for the help and advice you have given me, it has been invaluable to me.
  • mdad
    Posts: 90
    It's more about attitude and self-confidence. You know, the guy that goes and gets his newspaper off the front lawn in his boxers, looking horrible. Or when you can go to the gym and look like you just woke up out of a dumpster, and not care. Don't take my motto to mean you can cuss out a waiter/waitress if they're slow serving food, or go to a movie, use your phone, and say "screw you all, I paid for this movie too, and if I want to use my phone in the middle of it I don't care what you think". It's about you being able to dress in yellow spots if you want to. About how you perceive yourself, more than how you act towards other people.

    In this case, you really love your girlfriend. And it sounds like she has made openings to this subject in the past. I just recently asked my wife to work with me anally, and I'm 43 after 18 years of marriage. Was I scared to do this before? I don't know. I had THOUGHT about it. But once I decided to go for it, I just went ahead and told her and she didn't surprise me one bit by being supportive.

    Certainly a younger girlfriend (I assume 20's also) won't be as experienced, and would have more reservations. That's NORMAL.

    But if she loves you half as much as you love her, you have NOTHING to worry about. She might think it's strange, weird, whatever, but if she loves you she'll want to help you, nor kick you to the curb.

    I am TOTALLY betting she agrees to this just fine. :)
  • rookrook
    Posts: 1,604
    mdad's excellent post on how we become more risk-taking and at home with new life experiences as we age is excellent.   In reality we are shedding the taboos of childhood, which were appropriate to minimize the transmission of childhood diseases like Polio.  Later in life we would be introduced to hygiene including soap and water.  So those early prohibitions would be needless.   This topic brought to mind a comic incident during my Freshman year in college.  

    I had enrolled in Chem 1A, a one-semester overview of H.S. chem that looked like an easy five credits and a good brush up course.

    One day we were doing a test for starches.  It would evolve into a brown or black deposit on the inside of the test tube.  The Lacky giving the lecture said that the supply room clerk would  check each piece of glass for stains and our account would be docked fifty-cents if the glass wasn't sparkling clean.  He suggested that the group member who cleaned up the test tubes should have slender fingers.  Obviously, a female might do the best job.

    At that point a male voice in the class remarked that this lab venture should be named, "the Brown Finger Test."

    There was scattered laughter in the room. There were a few shocked faces.  I grasped only a fragment of the joke and my mind quickly processed alternative meanings.  My lab partner had a knowing and mature smile on her face.  Later that day I zeroed in on what had been inferred but was struck, as a juvenile might be, at the yuck factor and wasn't sure I could deal with anal touching, particularly with a female since I still had their bodies on a pedistal of physical perfection.

    While I had been sticking objects in my ass since age eight, I thought of my own interests as a bit kinky.  Yet, touching a female anus ate on me.  A couple of months later I took a deep breath and called up that demure lab partner.  Alas, she had gained a new steady date.  It would be three more years and a trip outside my native country until I explored beyond the front door of my dates.

    Object lesson.. he who hesitates is...
  • XilehXileh
    Posts: 353
    This is probably the first time I've been thanked for free advice and @mdad has offered very good suggestions too. You're welcome, and be careful with that free advice. Any advise you accept has to work for you, for who you are, or who you are willing to invest in becoming. For that reason, advise is rarely free for the recipient.

    You came to this forum looking for never ending, mind blowing orgasms and we went all Oprah on you. This is an interesting forum. I think that the sharing of information between generations, genders, and gender identities without judgement is quite amazing. Hang around long enough, and you may be changed and enlightened in unexpected ways.

    Good luck and let us know how things work out.

    Xileh
  • A little update:

    I have plucked up the courage and told my partner that I have been performing prostate massages for a few years now, I did't want to put it all on her at once so I'm easing into it slowly.

    She was actually okay about it, she said she'd never leave me which is what I feared and said she loved me dearly, she didn't seemed disgusted or anything, she even said her friend does it for her partner. However she went on to say that she'd put a lock on the inside of the bedroom door for when I want to pleasure myself 'that way', so I have some privacy. So I'm guessing she's against getting involved and wants this to be something I do myself, I haven't discussed anything with her, and she didn't talk much about it either so I just left it.

    I'm guessing this is just going to be something I will be doing alone then, it's disappointing but I do love her a lot and at least she isn't going to leave me because of it. I envy the guys out there that have willing partners getting involved with their sexual desires:(
  • mdad
    Posts: 90
    Maybe she thinks YOU are embarrassed by it, and hence YOU might want the lock to protect yourself from embarrassment (basically you just told her it took you a few years to gather up the courage to tell her). Also, if you described it like masturbation (which it sort of is even if you are hands off), and that you are going to do it frequently, that's again another reason for her to suggest a lock. :)

    Without knowing more of the context of the conversation, I didn't hear anything that suggests that should wouldn't want to be a part of it at some point or was grossed out by it.

    But kudos to you for opening the door, so to speak.
  • isvara
    Posts: 578
    @RickyDsmith. Please disregard this post if it not appropriate.
    I do hear some alarm bells in your reported conversation. It is really great your girl friend is happy for you to use an Aneros. You don't say how you explained this. The bolt on the door may be because she does not want to disturb your pleasure. But it does imply her being locked out from something that you like doing, locked out from your pleasure. It also suggests she is not interested in anything anal. For her it may only have a "dump" purpose (as she has a perfectly good V for pleasure).
    It is important that you do not try to draw her in or manipulate her in any way to do something that she is basically not happy with or interested in doing. It is also important that you find a way not let her feel cut off while you have pleasure. That does not mean include her or expect her to be interested.
    Sometimes the male desire to satisfy our need for pleasure can be extremely selfish and thoughtless. Just read the newspapers! So the challenge is to get all this in balance so you don't create "cognitive dissonance" (inner conflict) in her.
    She sounds a great girl and she loves you very much, that alone is worth cherishing and nurturing together.
    Sorry if I am preaching!
  • I haven't read through the whole thread but based upon the first few responses this is the kind of advice I was seeking! In many ways I am in the same boat as the OP except I've already committed to marry my girlfriend and I don't have ejaculation problems other than earlier than I wish sometimes. Everything else echoed a lot of thoughts and feelings. Would love to try pegging and even bought a harness set cause a beginners kit was on sale, but not sure how to breach the subject with my fiancee. She too had bad experiences with anal in the past but has obliged massaging my perineal area a few times. She's actually a nurse but has never learned prostate massage just dig stim for evacuating bowels. I think being a professional in the medical field she's also not sure how to deal with anything revolving around sex and she's said nudity is not a turn on whatsoever; even me she would rather see me half dressed.
  • lakers01
    Posts: 5
    I find the best advice is just to sit her down and explain why you like and that it does mean she is doing anything wrong. Tell her what you like to do and let her watch. This is how I explained to my wife and she loves it now, seeing how turned on I get makes her feel good.
  • Oh I guess another difference is I already had purchased quite a few aneros "toys" before I met her, but I haven't told her about the helix syn yet...not because I am afraid she thinks I'm gay, already had a talk with her about enjoying anal pleasure and she seems to be cool with that, but it makes her feels self conscious and inadequate.

    Maybe I should let her know how frustrating my lack of success has been, that I need her and would rather her help me to experience the pleasure I seek? Whether by digital stimulation or just through teasing my body helping me to relax, I think either would be effective. And maybe she would be encouraged to try toys herself...
  • lakers01
    Posts: 5
    Definitely let her know how you feel. You said she feels self conscious and inadequate. Just take time to explain that is not the case.
  • I kinda already have a few times but I don't know if she believes it or if it smoothed things over. To be considerate of her feelings I have only been masturbating and using any of the aneros products while she's out of the house or asleep. Kinda makes it hard to fully relax though especially when she wakes up a lot in the night and I don't always know when she'll be home. The other day I was interrupted an hour earlier than expected and quickly rushed to put things away...
  • I don't recall where I saw it but I seem to recall some sex ed site suggested a mutual masturbation exercise for couples where one or both partners are not comfortable touching themselves. Wish I could find again, had some great ideas for how to ease into it together as I remember. Anyone familiar with such an exercise?
  • isvara
    Posts: 578
    @sensitiveguy22, I have been thinking about this in another context. I think it is okay that each comes into a relationship with baggage. The baggage does not have to be all bad. So you come into a relationship as you are. It is important but rarely stressed that 'love' is the acceptance of who the other is, not as we expect them to be. So it would be really good to be open early on your journey. This does not mean the other has to perform for you, but should accept that you may enjoy some personal activities that add to your wholeness. The difficulty is some folk have extremely rigid ideas:
    I have known a woman who divorced her husband because she saw him masturbating. This is so sad because she did not want to understand that males are different to females. In her case she was so tightly locked into an interpretation of parts of the bible she saw her husband as of the devil. Please note I am in no way belittling the Scriptures.
  • Many are mistaken, the Bible does not condemn masturbation and I consider the Bible to more symbolic anyways. I'm not as much a Bible thumper as some of you might presume. My beliefs align more with Liberal Protestant than the Catholic I was raised. That being said many of my values have most definitely been shaped by my upbringing and my religion.
  • isvara
    Posts: 578
    Oops, I should not have written the last paragraph. The point was that I think it should be okay to tell ones partner that an Aneros bring a wholeness and in no way replaces intimacy, love or affection. That couples need to accept each other as they are. Usually marriage guidance sessions try to point this out. So as was said above I would be good if we could be open with our partners and help them to understand.
  • devajones
    Posts: 34
    @RickyDsmith kudos to you for knowing what gets you off.  God knows that if I ever get the chance to peg my husband I'm going to go tell it on the mountain! Anyway, coming from a woman yea most are ignorant and think that if a guy wants his hole played with he must have some homosexual tendencies.  My solution would be that you educate her on why it is so pleasurable for you, and also remind her that it is being attracted to or wanting to be in relationships with other men that constitues being gay, not having mind blowing orgasms. ok thats my 2 cents
  • Asolo
    Posts: 7
    This is a late response, but I felt compelled to comment.

    It is a bit hard to play psychologist based on limited information, but some of the things you mention her saying and doing sound to me like they belie some interest on her part.

    I understand that you are very self-conscious about what she thinks and are having a lot of trouble revealing this fully to her. I get the impression that you are both being too timid about stating what you want.

    Here is why I think that. She has brought up the idea of anal play on several occasions unsolicited, even teasing you about it(a way of flirting with an issue). She has shown that she is fine with you doing it, and she even went to perform it on you before being stopped. I would brush aside her comments about it being "gay" and having you "lock the room when you do it" as her way of trying to either mask her own interest or tease a response out of you. I had a girlfriend who was really into anal play(although I wasn't,
    and didn't trust her anyway) and she said a lot of similar things as
    your girl. It is obviously a serious relationship that she cares about and perhaps she is hesitant because of that, but she seems receptive enough that if you can trust her and stop being scared off about the issue, I suspect you can both get what you want.

    I really don't think you should leave it like this, and I hope that if you haven't already, you try to develope your trust of her and meet each others feelings on this issue.
  • devajones
    Posts: 34
    @sensitiveguy22 I went back and read this thread again, and you mentioned mutual masturbation for those not comfortable with masturbating themselves.  Well @artform has a blog on this site, he talks about the Wedding Band position, I think that would be something worth trying with your girlfriend. the post is found here https://www.aneros.com/blogs/ecstatic-energies-and-the-art-of-living/ title is wedding band position (scroll down).  Hope it helps!!!