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Sorry to use this forum as a therapy session: asexual, split
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    Hi,

    I hope you or the mods don't mind. A few people have wished me luck in my "low libido and no penile pleasure and OCD over those facts and more" situation (see my sig).

    I was googling around and came upon a site about asexuality. I am now wondering if I could in fact be asexual. I hope not. It would probably mean penile pleasure let alone prostate pleasure is even further off than I thought. A few people on the asexuality forum express no need for sex, doing it for their partner, or no pleasure (well, this last group is mostly women). Note, some women enjoy clitoral/G spot stimulation by themselves, but not sex with others. So they still have a level of sexuality, even if sex with others "repulses" them.

    And onto the other sad event. I broke up with my girlfriend. It's been on my mind for a while. She has been so supportive, but the issue of her son was dragging the relationship down to where I began to resent the child, and that's not a good atmosphere for him. I loved it when it was us two, but she is a mother and if anyone needs to bow out, it had to be me. Plus, she made too many demands on me for him, e.g. "can you pay half he's school fees in the future?", "can you change his nappy/diaper?", "can you walk in front of the pram to block out the sun", "would you still look after my son if something happened to me?"....

    This must paint her as a total nutjob. These outbursts were ludicrous, but she also loved me a LOT, showed me it, was understanding of my performance anxiety, sex anxiety, aneros trialing, depression, low libido, etc. She was amazing, and I am sad to leave her, but I wouldn't want my resentment to turn into hate. For my first ever relationship, taking on a mother and son was pretty steep. Never again. In fact, I am swearing off relationships until I fix myself now. I think until I have penile pleasure and possible prostate pleasure, I should keep out of relationships. I also need to recover from this one. Please don't judge me or say: "you should have stayed". It got unbearable and I was distancing myself from her when her son was around. If we ever had kids, I would invariably treat them different, would be expected to buy them both similar presents at xmas, etc. Plus her high sex drive was not helping me but I would have stayed if it were just us two.

    I guess I am hiatusing from Aneros usage for a while. I will keep reading though. I have a sex therapist appointment 25 june (or 26th, whatever) to help me, in spite of the split.

    Thanks for all your support.
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,253
    MyTurn,

    IMHO, you are doing the right thing for the right reasons, there is absolutely no sense in maintaining a relationship that you know is only going to continue to deteriorate and leave all parties resentful. It is much better to suffer some mild anguish now than a hateful breakup later.
    Taking some time to heal and better understand yourself before entering another relationship is an excellent choice in personal growth which will pay dividends in your future happiness.
    It shows maturity to see the ramifications of your current behavior patterns and the consequences if allowed to continue into the future. It also shows maturity to choose to re-evaluate your compulsive drive concerning sexuality and Aneros use by taking a hiatus. Your Aneros and this Forum will still be around when the appropriate time arrives for you to re-establish the journey.
    I think you have learned some valuable life lessons, perhaps more than you now realize, from this relationship but it is now time for you to move on.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    I agree but man am I weak. She called me and says she doesn't want to end it, and I don't either, but ...man. I really need someone to break my phone. I am too weak to break up with her even though I should (but don't want to).

    How do I handle this situation!
  • esfenoides
    Posts: 58
    I hope you well.

    Take it easy and simple, take joy out of life and be selfish with yourself. Treat yourself right, love thy self.

    Life is much simpler than we think, have patience, keep searching, never give up, past never equals future, be brave.

    These are just random words that come to mind, we all have struggles in life, these give us depth of caracter life hasent spoilt us.

    Have faith (god, yourself, oneness, ...) keep it
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,253
    MyTurn,

    Get yourself a phone answering machine to screen incoming calls, that way you won’t be saddled with a potentially emotional impromptu discussion when she calls. Let her leave a message and only call her back when you are calm and resolute about your course of action and what you wish to say. You may even want to write down some notes about how you feel and how you wish to say it. I know ending a relationship is emotionally demanding and draining especially when it has been mostly beneficial, but sometimes there are “irreconcilable differences” that make a split imperative for the benefit of both parties.
  • Love_isLove_is
    Posts: 1,672
    Hello MyTurn, :)

    Ultimately, only you know what is right for you life. I would be surprised if anyone here judged you for your decision to leave the relationship. Like rumel said, I think it is really great that you want to focus on working on yourself. It is a good direction to take.

    Be firm in expressing what you want in your life. Sometimes things just don't work between two people in a relationship. That doesn't make either person bad. It's just an experience, and one you have undoubtedly learned valuable lessons from. I wish you the best in this new direction in your life.

    Love_is
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    I get such short evenings, but I want to reply to all of you who willingly posted here on such an offtopic thread. I don't expect you to read this all, so I will highlight salient points.

    rumel said:


    IMHO, you are doing the right thing for the right reasons, there is absolutely no sense in maintaining a relationship that you know is only going to continue to deteriorate and leave all parties resentful.
    ...
    It shows maturity to see the ramifications of your current behavior patterns and the consequences if allowed to continue into the future. It also shows maturity to choose to re-evaluate your compulsive drive concerning sexuality and Aneros use by taking a hiatus.



    Thanks for the PM.

    I read what you say and it makes perfect sense, and yet, half of me wants to be around her for just a little longer. Until it is clear-cut over. I know I am being foolish if I stay, but...it's like I've been on a "journey" with her. I started dating her when I still felt I might be "too gay possibly" to be dating girls. And that obsession got replaced by one to get pleasure. From virgin to new obsession. Frustration, to doctors. She's seen me in the most embarrasing situations and stuck by me. But also, she's let me know that she enjoys everything with me.

    One night with her, I tore my frenulum. The next day I went to hospital. I called her from the hospital and she got her son babysat so she could come to hospital. And borrowed the bus fare to boot.

    She will stand by me, whereas, in another relationship, this will all be sudden news to my next unsuspecting gf, if I have it in me to do this again. She's accomodated me and my baggage. She probably hopes I can accomodate her baggage too. This would be easier if I didn't love her. :(

    All that and more on one side of the measuring scale. And then simply a SON on the other. It's hard for me to walk out on, even though, from what I've told you, you all seem to think it would be reasonable to leave.

    Wow. I can't write essays per reply because you all don't have time for this, so my next replies will be quick.


    Take it easy and simple, take joy out of life and be selfish with yourself. Treat yourself right, love thy self.

    Life is much simpler than we think, have patience, keep searching, never give up, past never equals future, be brave.



    Well my life hasn't been. I would love to love myself. Thanks for the positivity.

    rumel said:

    MyTurn,

    Get yourself a phone answering machine to screen incoming calls, that way you won’t be saddled with a potentially emotional impromptu discussion when she calls. Let her leave a message and only call her back when you are calm and resolute about your course of action and what you wish to say. .



    She drop-calls my "mobe" (cel) coz she has no calling credit. She can send 1000's of texts, and usually texts "call me plz" or "why rnt u pickin up?", so she can never leave a message. but you are right about being calm. It doesn't help if I've accidently wandered into my emotional rnb folder and have some early 90's slowjam on, torturing myself.

    Love_is said:

    Hello MyTurn, :)

    Ultimately, only you know what is right for you life. I would be surprised if anyone here judged you for your decision to leave the relationship. Like rumel said, I think it is really great that you want to focus on working on yourself. It is a good direction to take.

    Be firm in expressing what you want in your life. Sometimes things just don't work between two people in a relationship.

    Love_is



    It is a good direction. But it's also boring and samey. Having my gf around is instantly uplifting, if just us two. It's like, in my head, I know I should be leaving but something inside really can't stop talking to her and start getting over her. If it were US TWO having problems, that is clear-cut, but it's me having trouble with her son. I would hate to throw this away, as this has scared me from dating. I got no motivation to start over. I put so much effort in, from our very first date. We built up a great chemistry. I digested those pick-up podcasts like a nerd.

    I just hope I make the right decision. I won't be hasty, but I should def. reread all your posts all this week. Now, I don't wanna seem like a timewaster (your time) if I keep talking to her. Hmm. This isn't easy.

    Thanks so much. I won't say anymore coz it's only means more reading for you.
  • GrandTiger
    Posts: 325
    Hello MyTurn,

    I'm sure I'll get chewed out for saying this, but quite honestly I think your girl friend's demands on you for her son were quite natural and reasonable. Surely it is obvious that she would want you to be as a father to him, and if you love her, don't you love her son also enough to want to fulfill that role? When you truly love someone then that love extends to their loved ones too, and they then become your loved ones. Think again about how much you truly love her. If you don't love her son then I don't think you love her enough to commit your life to her. I am not judging you at all, but merely expressing how I see it.

    My best wishes,

    GT
  • esfenoides
    Posts: 58
    Any decision you take will be ok, there is nothing right or wrong, its what you do with the path you take that counts.

    No advice will do anything really. And even if you do choose to follow advice you will be choosing what advice to follow and ultimately still be choosing.

    Ive been there on the side of not answering communications, a few times this last year. Its difficult, I cried hugging a rining phone.

    I dont know what to type really.

    A lot of the shit throught your post resonates with pain of mine. All I can tell you is that there are people here that dont even know you that are listening. I dont judge, I just listen and surrender to what is being said. I'll stay a few mintutes in silence after pressing the submit button, I'll just listen/pay attention/concentrate on the feeling created for me.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447

    Hello MyTurn,

    I'm sure I'll get chewed out for saying this, but quite honestly I think your girl friend's demands on you for her son were quite natural and reasonable. Surely it is obvious that she would want you to be as a father to him, and if you love her, don't you love her son also enough to want to fulfill that role? When you truly love someone then that love extends to their loved ones too, and they then become your loved ones. Think again about how much you truly love her. If you don't love her son then I don't think you love her enough to commit your life to her. I am not judging you at all, but merely expressing how I see it.

    My best wishes,

    GT



    Now that bothers me because I've often questioned my love. I obsessed over whether I did or not. As an OCDer, I think I experience some so-called "relationship ocd" (questioning your love, relationship, commitment, attraction), or was it the real thing? So for you to say, I don't love her enough is food for thought:

    I definately feel more love when it's been a long time since an argument, her son is at his dad's, and sex has gone "reasonably ok" for me. That seems a bit too situational, right? Who knows. Both her and I will find out soon.

    Thanks for your opinion. I'm as glad you posted as I am that the other members did.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447

    Any decision you take will be ok, there is nothing right or wrong, its what you do with the path you take that counts.

    ...I'll stay a few mintutes in silence after pressing the submit button, I'll just listen/pay attention/concentrate on the feeling created for me.



    You are like a calm river. I imagine you let stressful situations wash over you to the point where you are hardly ever depressed. You have the right "spirit" for this type of Aneros journey, or indeed life's journey.
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,193
    myturn-

    my view might not make me popular, but here it is: i don't think you are ready to be in a relationship involving a child. (your girlfriend might not be either, but that is a different matter!) i am a parent, and i can tell you the kind of stuff you are grappling with is definitely not at the level of personal maturity required for parenting. not even close. (i think you already know this.) you are on the right track to addressing your issues, and likely will go through a personal growth spurt in the future. but right now i think you need to concentrate on yourself.

    darwin
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    darwin said:

    myturn-

    my view might not make me popular, but here it is: i don't think you are ready to be in a relationship involving a child. (your girlfriend might not be either, but that is a different matter!) i am a parent, and i can tell you the kind of stuff you are grappling with is definitely not at the level of personal maturity required for parenting. not even close. (i think you already know this.) you are on the right track to addressing your issues, and likely will go through a personal growth spurt in the future. but right now i think you need to concentrate on yourself.

    darwin



    I appreciate your post. I find a lot of truth in it. My girlfriend and I are still talking at the moment. I'm wondering whether to still carry on with her "birthday surprise" this month.

    I really am stuck between knowing what could be "best" in the long run, and what I WANT to be the case. SIGH. It doesn't help that I'm new to fulltime work, and it seems I only get 2 hours a day to breath, relax, mediate (not literally), think, etc.