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Who I Am, As I Am, And What I've Discovered
  • spyegspyeg
    Posts: 24
    So this was originally supposed to be an introduction for someone else, but as I wrote more and more, I just felt I had to share with the amazing folks here who have helped me on this journey.

    I started the journey about a year ago, and it started for a few reasons. One, love making with my wife was a laborious process to forgo ejaculation, and I was reading up on various practices to prolong the climax. Other than masturbation (repeated edging, couldn't find the time), kegels and prostate massage were the most agreeable of options to me. So I started a regimen of car-Kegels (as I was driving) and noticed some minor benefits after a few months. Not quite pleased with the progress I was making, I started looking for prostate massagers. As I started to read up on various other devices, I stumbled upon the Aneros line (I refuse to refer to them as "toys") and the forum. The descriptions (and occasional videos, if I could find them) really intrigued me, and were very exciting (both sexually arousing and mentally curious) and I couldn't wait to try.

    After about a month of lurking on the forums, watching videos, and fantasizing about the prostate massage by the wife, I caved. Around September of 2011, I went to an adult store that was nearby, but they only had a generic knockoff (and I wasn't ready for the purchase yet). I came back a week later, and they didn't have it anymore. Next time I went, they still didn't have it, so I took it as a sign that it just wasn't time yet. As I was doing my Christmas shopping (November), I decided to check out a different adult store that was nearby, and they most of the Aneros line. The Maximus looked daunting, the Eupho was a bit too advanced for me (based on forum discussions), and the SGX seemed too small, so I was looking at the MGX and Helix. From what I read, the Helix was a good fit for beginners as well as more advanced users, so I figured if I'm going to splurge, might as well get what would work throughout all phases of my journey.

    I brought it home that night not knowing what to expect. At the time, my wife was going to school 4 nights a week and wouldn't be home until much later in the night, so I had several months that I was able to use my Helix uninterrupted. First few sessions were with baby oil, and I was able to get a very slight amount of pleasure/sensations with it, but my anus was getting irritated and I wasn't too keen on how it felt internally. I went and purchased some ID Glide (still using to this day), and things started getting better. My first truly amazing session was when I was away on business. I was getting hit with one p-wave after another, and they just weren't letting up, but I was nowhere near a super-O. Honestly, I didn't care, because the sensations were out of this world, even if they weren't orgasmic. Since that time, I've been hooked.

    As time went on, I started celebrating my various milestones. Unlike other newcomers, I never once got discouraged during the journey, because I enjoyed every session for what it was and always looked forward to what was next. Unfortunately, this "looking forward" part raised my expectations and worked against my progress, as I began getting a little impatient (this was around May, 2012). This wasn't the "I should be feeling more by now" kind of thoughts, but definitely the "Oh god this feels good, I want more" and would try to force sessions to go further. Obviously, this didn't quite work. After about 4 months of this, I took a few weeks off and started browsing the forums. Through overuse (almost every day during those 4 months), and apparently improper use, I started taking it easier. What used to be just about every day because a 2-4 times per week occurance, at least one day between sessions (if I had one Monday, next soonest would be Wednesday). This definitely helped with the milestones, and got me back on track. However, while I did enjoy my sessions, I was finding my sessions were better without my Helix than with it. Curious as to why that was, I decided to purchase the MGX and compare to my Helix (size, weight, shape, proportions, insertions, etc).

    Best decision I ever made. Although the Helix had brought me many nights of pleasure, the MGX was absolutely mind-boggling. I had it shipped to my work (didn't want the wife finding it and getting curious), and actually inserted AT WORK (went to the bathroom for a bit). I couldn't believe the dance that was happening on and around my prostate. I kept it in until I got home later that evening (used a pillow to prevent it from digging in on the drive home), at which point I removed it but still felt like I had it in for the rest of the night (a few mini-Os hit me at rather inopportune moments). When I really got around to comparing, I realized there really wasn't that much difference, except for the fact that the Helix is a bit longer. Next session I had it finally dawned on me why my Helix sessions have been so lack-luster compared to the (only 2) MGX sessions I've had so far. I had been inserting the Helix to the T, so it was overshooting my prostate and I was only getting it with residual contact (plus the sensations on my anus and rectal walls). This was about 30 minutes into an MGX session, so I decided to switch to the Helix and see where that would take me.

    This was the first time I felt a full pressure on my prostate with the Helix, coupled with the first prolonged contact with my "sweet spot", I was oozing and spasming like crazy. My muscles were dancing like they never have before, and I actually could detect the subtle involuntaries that were occuring alongside my manual contractions (which at this point, were quivering in wave-like motions). Best session I ever had, and certainly my most memorable to date. After a few more sessions, while still getting better pleasure than I had in the past several months, I could tell that mind-noise was ultimately preventing me from truly enjoying the pleasure. I've dabbled with self-hypnosis, and have actually trained myself to focus on the sensations in my anal area, but this was different. I was still too "conscious" of everything that was happening (both physically and mentally) and I could tell that I wasn't quite relaxing as well as I should.

    Then I read rikaaim's blog post, about creating a sacred space. He said:
    "Some may use salt or sage to create a physical circle around a space to signify the area sacred, others may just perform certain routine. For example, in a BDSM scene, preparing the toys, cleaning them, setting them out, getting the ambiance just right with music and lighting can create a sacred space. It's building up the scene and removing daily life and distraction. "
    That hit the nail on the head for me. The "warm-up" for me was always very routine, but I was never present during it. I was never in anticipation of what was to come. I failed to enjoy one of the most erotic aspects of the Aneros, the preparation of being taken to new heights of pleasure (not "getting" there, but "being taken" there). This broke the barriers for me. I had always viewed it as a car ride, in which I was steering. Instead, I should have viewed it as a hot air balloon. Amazing views, one of a kind experience, and really you have no control over where you go. You let the wind guide you, move you to wherever it is it wants to take you.

    I had my first feedback loop after this (early this week), but no O land yet. I didn't care, it was thrilling to experience a mile-stone I felt would be the key to true prostate and spiritual awakening. To let my body pleasure itself, and me just coming along for the ride, it was so liberating. The next session drove me even higher, and felt something building deep in my pelvic area. This session brought about something I had thought I experienced before, but apparently had not. Tremors. Not full on flailing, mind you, but the subtle vibrations and pulsing of my muscles in various parts of the body responding to (and causing) intense pleasure away from the only place I've ever experienced it.

    Last night was another first: my first mini-O with either Aneros product inserted (again, I've had 'less mini-O's before). I'm still shuddering with the pleasure that I felt, the surge from the pit of my stomach radiating to all corners of my body in waves. I was in this bliss for about 2 minutes, and the feedback loop just kept getting more and more intense. I felt the start of something more, and my mind was racing with excitement and anticipation, which unfortunately caused it to hide. Still, an amazing session, and I'm still feeling the pleasure from it right now.

    The past 2 weeks have taught me a great deal about myself, my body, and my mind. I was always trying to be "in control" physically, while TRYING to let go mentally. To put it bluntly, I was too present, too focused on what everything is instead of relaxing and simply appreciating what is happening. There's still an element of focus, but it's more a languid curiousity of what my body is doing to itself, a passing glance into the various areas of stimulation (everywhere, not just pelvic region). I feel like I'm opening my mind to what is to come, not to where I'm going, and I feel more at peace with the world (and myself) than I have for the rest of my life.

    I don't know if I could have made this progress without the help of this forum (both newcomers and veterans alike). This place has become a tool for me to learn and grow, to understand all the difficulties associated with this journey, and to discover how it all interacts with my self. My being. Who "I" am. Not as others see me, but as I feel about myself. This is truly a journey I could not have started or progressed without this community, and I am thankful for everything it has done for me and for others like me.
  • Awesome post and great insights! I like your metaphor of 'driving' a care versus riding a hot balloon into the great Unknown of inner landscapes and pleasures.  I started on the MGX and I have enjoyed it greatly, but I suspect it could be a tiny bit too short to "fully" passage the prostate... as it takes either my sitting in it, doing muscle contractions, rubbing it, etc. What feels very stimulating is tapping it gently on the back flat of the plastic handle with my index and middle finger... in between the two curls... causing the MGX to "quivers" and vibrate up against my prostate for a brieft moment. 

    Think I am gonna try the Helix Syn next. 

    I am also feeling a great sense of inner peace and calm, like the core of my being is being soothed and grounded. It is a great journey and deeply rewarding experience!
  • twlltintwlltin
    Posts: 603
    Seconded! You're writing a lot of wisdom in that long post.

    The mental noise aspect is something I had been neglecting. I had been taking a polar opposite approach to that: just let your mind wander and ignore what's going on elsewhere in your body. Sometimes that type of mental detachment/distraction works very well, and you're dragged back in surprise into the "now" by some exciting sensation.
  • Spyeg, 

    First, thank you for mentioning my blog in your journey.  That is truly humbling and eye opening.  I often feel like my inspirations, my ramblings, are little more than ordinary.  The fact that I did write something that allowed you to make the connection for yourself what works for you is truly great, and I am honored that you mentioned it.

    You are making some fantastic progress.  A few things I really want to point out is that you're slipping into more of an observer role.  You're allowing yourself, your conscious, your need to be in control, to just subside for a little bit.  As it does, you're observing your feelings, your thoughts, your sensations, not just in your prostate area or genital area, but your whole being.  This is because of the second point I want to make.  "it's more a languid curiousity of what my body is doing to itself, a passing glance into the various areas of stimulation (everywhere, not just pelvic region). I feel like I'm opening my mind to what is to come, not to where I'm going (emphasis mine)"  You are letting the sensations come to you.  You are opening up.  It's not about trying to create and reign in the sensations.  You are eager, full of desire for the sensations, do your part to inspire and form the sensations, then you let the sensations take over from that point.  

    You mentioned being in a state of bliss for 2 minutes.  This has been referred to as the "bliss cocoon".  It's often a fantastic embodiment of radical ecstasy.  You're reacher higher levels by simply allowing them to carry you up.  Hot air balloon indeed!

    Please keep posting updates.  You are sharing not only amazing results, but amazing lessons as well.  When I see posts such as yours, I get excited.  I get inspired.  I want to get my Eupho out and share and revel in the same ecstasy levels as you.  Please keep encouraging yourself and others.  You said you lurked on the boards for a while, and I can see you only have 3 "posts".  I highly encourage, and always will, that everyone post in the forum.  Ask questions.  Seek answers.  Share success.  Share struggles!  No matter what "experience level", think about getting involved here and in the chat sessions.  Twl has set up an amazing "unofficial" chat that I think has become quiet "official" in our hearts and lives.  Spyeg, looking forward to the next posts and stage of this journey my friend!  Much peace and love brother.

  • TeederTeeder
    Posts: 31

     Funny, how we as MEN think that we must be in control at all times, lest someone think less of us.  Your I am I is one of the most truest of statements, I am my own worst session wrecker sometimes.  Also another thing I have found about my journey is that patience truly is a virtue.  The moment I get impatient and try to control things instead of letting them happen, poof!!! 



  • spyegspyeg
    Posts: 24
    Honestly, Rikaaim's post just made me realize that while we all share in the same journey, the path that we take through this journey is a very personal one. We all have different obstacles (both physical and mental) that make each journey unique, but that doesn't mean that they don't resonate with other's experiences. I used to take EVERYTHING that was said on the forums to be the absolute truth, and tried incorporating the ideas into my own sessions. My problem with doing that was that I was ignoring the personal aspects of my own journey to try and discover a shortcut to the promised land. This was definitely the "aha" moment that I needed. 

    Whether I realized it or not, my sessions were always about "searching" for greater pleasure. While I did enjoy each session for what it was, and kept expectations to a minimum, there was still some goal that I was trying to reach. This is what I meant with "driving the car" instead of "riding in a hot air balloon". I felt like it was up to me personally, like I had total control, over where I wanted (needed) to be, and subconsciously I was getting frustrated and impatient that I hadn't gotten there yet. The first step in understanding a problem is recognizing that the problem exists in the first place, and this realization was a wake up call. It opened my eyes to what the Aneros itself was capable of doing, where it was capable of taking me, instead of where I wanted to go with it. That was my key. That was my moment. 

    Since then, my sessions have gotten better each and every time, whether I reached any spectacular height or not. I've finally identified certain key milestones that I thought were really nothing. I was ignoring p-waves, ignoring sensations in my pelvic region, ignoring the subtlest of pleasure in obvious (and not so obvious places) because I was expecting so much more. Now, the slightest p-wave is enough to get my excitement revved up. I notice the slightest quivering in all my limbs, in my belly, in my chest, and they entice pleasure without consciously thinking about it. All these things, while I still felt and acknowledged them, were being dismissed as being insignificant to the goal. Once I embraced them as part of the goal is when I started getting the most out of my sessions.

    This has been life-changing, and not just in a sexual way. I find myself noticing everything about my mind and body now. Certain emotions are amplified when I begin focusing on the feelings they cause. I can alter my mindset simply by redirecting my energies to a more desirable emotion. These spiritual aspects were definitely unexpected when I started this journey, and they are still so new that I'm excited about the possibilities. The gratitude I feel towards the product, the company, and this community are so immense that I can't even begin to describe it. It is a sense of belonging, a sense of love, that I've never quite known before. However, I am glad to have discovered these feelings, and am proud to be a part of this community.
  • Spyeg:


    Your post is brilliant.  I'm very happy that you have discovered this for yourself and are sharing it with others.  You state exactly what the journey is all about and speak volumes the the "awakening" of not only the prostate by oneself as well.  I hope others can see their "Aha!" moment in your words.  

  • spyegspyeg
    Posts: 24
    Alright, so there's been some significant progress these past two weeks, and just want to document what's happened so far.

    Getting positive feedback loops on a regular basis now. None have been quite runaway like the first week, but they are still pleasant. My 'less sessions have been taking off and are becoming more eventful than regular sessions. The reason is because I'm able to put more focus onto all of the sensations being generated as opposed to just the prostate and anal area. This should change with time as I learn to relax more and am able to have regular sessions that focus on the full body experience. Thankfully, my 'less sessions are a good practice to getting to that state.

    Anyway, this week I've been focusing on deep breathing and the effects on my mental state. My feelings towards deep breathing were somewhat downplayed, as it's always just been about air and nothing else (you don't breathe, you die). Obviously, there's more to it, but I never quite made that connection outside of the physical need. By focusing on deep belly breathing, I instead imagined what the air was doing for my body. Inhaling provides more than just oxygen, it provides the body with energy. Exhaling, also provides the means for expelling the negative energies collected in the body (for whatever mental/physical reasons). 

    In visualizing that each breath was not necessarily just for "survival" but for exchanging of energies, I've discovered a whole new aspect to my being. I feel more in tune with what my body is feeling, how it's running, and in general just more in tune with all the various energies running through my self. This first realization came during a drive to work. I found myself getting rather frustrated due to traffic, and decided to try to redirect these feelings to a more desirable mental state. After only 5 minutes of deep breathing, I came back to the present and found myself grinning uncontrollably. This pleased me even further, because I was able to successfully put into practice the discoveries I mentioned in my last post. What was unexpected, however, were these happy feelings to cascade into full body euphoria that settled on my head for a whole minute. This was all before I even got to work in the morning, and there was still so much more that happened!

    I had hit my reset switch the previous night by ejaculating, as my arousal was getting a bit out of hand during sessions. As such, I resolved to try and maintain focus on my life and work for several days to let my mind and body have a break from the Aneros. Needless to say, I wouldn't be writing anymore if I was able to maintain my resolution, but I'm glad I didn't. On chat, a user was describing a rather productive session he was in the process of having, which fueled another user to having a 'less session (and a subsequent chairgasm). Well, this got my engine going as I was reading what was happening, and we had an energy sharing session (me and twlltin having a 'less session, cyrez having a regular session). It was so intense! I could feel the energy coming from both of them, and it fueled my session further than it's been before, which fueled the other guys even further in their sessions. After the most amazing p-waves, several mini-O's, and the biggest stretch of my life, I was in a state of bliss for an hour afterwards. I've heard others mention this sort of energy sharing before, but this was the first time I was present to witness it (let alone be part of it). This left me with quite a bit of sexual energy that fueled a 'less session for the rest of my work day, but the fun didn't stop there.

    I do a lot of introspection on my drives, as I have about 30-45 minutes that I can usually relax and enjoy the drive. My commute is so routine that I literally drive on auto-pilot for most of the time and can be completely elsewhere in my thoughts or focus (still maintain enough focus on what's happening around me to avoid dangers). As I've been focusing on breathing this week, and had amazing results with it in the morning, decided to see what sort of results I could get with more than 5 minutes. The entire drive was spent doing deep belly breathing until I got home. I did a quick mental check on my physical state to see how this deep relaxation affected my body, and found all the muscles from my anus to my chest quiverring. Didn't notice this as I was driving, but just decided to relax into it and see what would happen. What transpired next all happened within the span of 2 minutes. 

    An incredible p-wave came over me, stronger than anything I've ever experienced, and washed over my whole body (from toes to chest and back down again). The sensations wouldn't stop growing, and a dull throb began to build in my stomach. At this point, it was incredibly difficult to stay relaxed, but I was just letting myself fall into the sensations and stopped trying force the relaxation. This caused the sensation in my stomach to grow in intensity so quickly, that it started to spread upwards into my chest. This caused the "terror at the gates" sensation that others mention, and frightened me so much because of how quickly it overcame me, that it brought the session back down. Again, this all happened in the span of 2 minutes, which is part of why it scared me so much. After that, I relaxed into the p-waves for several more minutes, and felt physically spent as they grew smaller in intensity. Once I felt I could walk straight was when I finally left my car, but this left me drained both physically and mentally. 

    The fun didn't end there, though. On this particular day of the week, I go to the gym for an hour (a dance class with the wife). When we get home, we decide to turn in a bit earlier than usual, and I helped her get to sleep with a nice leg massage. The physical exercise perked me up just enough to make it difficult to sleep, and I was still feeling some of the afterglow of my numerous 'less sessions this day. So I decided to have a session with my MGX, and was feeling quite anxious about what the session would be like. I felt a pull to the chat room used my phone to go on the site. After sharing my experiences of the day with everyone present, I decided to cut out to focus on relaxing into my session. Got a few feedback loops, some nice prostate stim, and a lot of p-waves. At some point, I was so relaxed that the sensation in my stomach came back, but it wasn't growing. Instead, what happened next caught me by surprise (for more reasons than one). Nothing changed sensation wise, but my eyes suddenly shot open, and my vision just started going white. My eyes were completely open the entire time, but all I saw was white. A warmth spread over my entire body, and my head was bathed in euphoria. This lasted about 30 seconds, and after it passed I was so excited that I couldn't quiet my mind. The mental noise was too intense, and the session seemed to have been coming to a close sensation wise, that I just decided to call it a night and fell asleep.

    On my drive to work this morning, performed some deep breathing again. After about 20 minutes of this, I started feeling the euphoria wash over me again (didn't stop breathing like I did yesterday). I decided to relax into these energies instead of focusing on them (as I usually do to build on the sensations) and was able to just let them flow throughout my body for the remainder of my drive. It was such an amazing feeling to have these energies travel across my body, making stops along the way and focusing on a single area momentarily. Finally got to work, and again, had the biggest grin on my face and could feel all the positive energies flowing through me. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy coming to work in the mornings!

    To be honest, I never truly believed that this sort of energy existed or that it can be guided. The concept of chakras, qi/chi, etc. all seemed like a purely mental phenomenon, all in the eye of the beholder. Having experienced the same premise behind these concepts, I can now understand that it's more metaphysical than mental. For me, it was a matter of finding my center, my being, and externalizing it to my conscious awareness. It truly is an amazing realization, that my inner self is more than just my physical being, that it's a part of the universe as a whole. It's a humbling thought, and makes all my problems seem less significant in the grand scheme of things.

    All these thoughts seem more like diary entries, so I should really just start a blog...

    Edit (10/24): OK, decided to stick these in a blog entry.
    Not sure if I should keep adding on to here or not. There is definitely some wisdom from others posted here, so I'm not sure which direction to take from here on out (posting here or the blog). Guess it'll depend on how long the post/rant is going to be :P