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Frustrated (almost 3 years later) Please Help!
  • Hey guys, I have been inactive on this forum for quite a while...probably cause I met a girl and we're soon to be married.  Anyways, I have tried the aneros products (I have bought the MGX, Helix, Progasm, Peridise, and most recently the Helix Syn) on and off for close to 3 years now and while I wouldn't say they have been worthless they have fallen short of producing the intense pleasure advertised and that so many of you seem to have experienced.  That is to say I have yet to experience any sort of orgasm; dry, wet, Super, etc. 

    I have read the wiki and browsed the forum quite extensively and I feel I have a good grasp on how the aneros devices are meant to be used.  I focus on breathing and relaxing and I try not to over-do the contractions.  I have fairly strong pc muscles but have yet to reach the point where I can be multi orgasmic with my fiancée, which is one of my aims for using the aneros and brings me to another point of frustration; my fiancée is bothered by masturbation and use of the aneros.  I tell her it will make me a better lover but instead she feels inadequate and as if I don't need her.  I believe part of the reason she feels this way is because she has never pleasured herself, which also troubles me.

    So I guess I'm seeking further advise from experienced aneros users as well as men with fulfilling sex lives on how to get your other half to accept use of aneros for sexual health as well as pleasure.  Also if you have suggestions on how to get a woman comfortable with touching herself I would appreciate it.  I think I'd have a lot better idea how to please her if she knew herself and could guide me.  She is the only woman I have ever been with but it's just another thing that is frustrating me because theoretically I probably know just about everything there is to know about sex.  Unfortunately it seems everything I've read and watched goes out the window with her.  She rarely gets any pleasure out of anything that I do and sometimes it's even painful for her.  As a result she's not in the mood too often and I've been using the aneros more often...

    I recently bought the Helix Syn after reading how wonderful many of you said it was but aside from comfortability I've yet to notice much of a difference in performance from any of the other aneros products I own.  Anyways, I know I've rambled off a lot but I could really use some help.  Thanks!

  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,403

    I have been inactive on this forum for quite a while... probably cause I met a girl and we're soon to be married. Anyways, I have tried the aneros products... on and off for close to 3 years now and while I wouldn't say they have been worthless they have fallen short of producing the intense pleasure advertised... That is to say I have yet to experience any sort of orgasm; dry, wet, Super, etc.

    ClapCongratulations on the upcoming nuptials, but sad to hear about your lack of success with Aneros. As has been said on this Forum many times, there is no one formula for success with Aneros (you define what success means here). While I firmly believe it is possible for most men to achieve good levels of success with their Aneros devices, I am not so naive to believe every man who goes on this journey will experience the fabled Super-O. Statistically there will almost always be people who fall outside the mean, mode and average range of responses and it is impossible to predetermine who those people will be. I hope you are not one of the unfortunate few who can't enter the "zoneros" but I suspect that since you have received some pleasure from these devices, you are capable of going further. You may find it beneficial reading the Identifying Obstacles to Progress thread to perhaps discover something that is holding you back.

    I have fairly strong pc muscles but have yet to reach the point where I can be multi orgasmic with my fiancée, which is one of my aims for using the aneros and brings me to another point of frustration; my fiancée is bothered by masturbation and use of the aneros. I tell her it will make me a better lover but instead she feels inadequate and as if I don't need her. I believe part of the reason she feels this way is because she has never pleasured herself, which also troubles me.

    OK, she feels insecure about her own sexuality and this is where a loving partner can provide an invaluable service by reassuring her and aiding in her education. There is an excellent book by Dr. Lonnie Barbach called "For Yourself - The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality" which I suggest you buy for your fiancee and have her read it. This is the first step she needs to take to break down some of her self erected barriers. The fact you are giving it to her also signals your willingness to help her work through some of her issues. When she is self assured she will be less threatened by your Aneros use, especially when you are supportive of her coming to terms with her own sexuality in a non-judgmental environment. The process of removing the stigma of masturbation as a taboo practice will enhance your intimacy markedly as well as add to the self confidence level for the both of you.
    As far as asserting the health value of your Aneros use, perhaps simply having her read through the High Island Health website will assuage her concerns. The HIH website is primarily oriented toward the health aspects and benefits of prostate massage in accord with Oriental medicine for prostate related issues. A forum for users to discuss practice with these devices also exists on that website, have her check out that site to learn more about the health benefits. You may also be interested in reading about the ongoing Columbia Medical School study using the Pro-State massagers. The HIH website contains testimonials from users regarding their experiences using these wonderful little massagers and also provides links to additional information on prostate health.

    ... She rarely gets any pleasure out of anything that I do and sometimes it's even painful for her. As a result she's not in the mood too often and I've been using the aneros more often...

    If she is experiencing pain during normal intercourse and you are not being too rough then there could be some physical reasons for that pain. I would suggest she get a gynecological checkup to verify she is not suffering from some anatomical abnormality, infection or other debilitating condition. Sex should be fun and pleasurable, not painful (unless you're into a BDSM scene but even then the pain should be consensual and limited for both parties).
    image Good Vibes to You ! image
  • Alex_xxxAlex_xxx
    Posts: 563
    I'd go to a counseller if I was you. Either by myself or with your soon to be spouse. Seems like you have a few issues, and they really can be a great help :)
  • isvaraisvara
    Posts: 873
    @sensitiveguy22, I would definitely get some advice.
    You may not appreciate my thoughts but here goes: To enter into marriage with such mismatching may give rise to major, major problems a bit down the track. Yes, you love her but it does not seem as if she is able to meet you half way. The sex for most males is a critical part of their make up, almost our physiological foundation. We die inside without it! It may be she is one of those people who is just not interested sex, but it could leave you utterly frustrated, that can be a worry. Most us guys with willing partners have enough trouble. As @Alex_xxx says there may be something not right with her which makes it all painful for her.
    Look I am really sorry for what I have written, but I have been involved with couples in similar situations and seen the pain. Now if I have misunderstood your OP please disregard all of this post. If this post is not helpful please disregard. I can delete it if you wish - just post the request.
  • TreiTrei
    Posts: 246
    I agree with isvara, people are far too quick to marry now a days, that's not to say you shouldn't marry but it seems that you two still have kinks to be worked out. I could be wrong though..
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,295
    i agree.  this sounds like a situation that needs resolution.  you need to talk frankly to your fiance, and seek counselling.  if you get married with such a big gap in sexual compatibility, you might end up getting  frustrated and resentful, which can spill over into all aspects of your marriage.  it could ultimately lead to cheating and divorce.  

    in my view your fiance is not being reasonable, and/or is hiding from a problem.  

    couples don't have to have perfect sexual compatibility, but they need to be in the same ball park and be willing to understand and support each other's needs., 

    darwin
  • Thanks for the responses, I respect all opinions. Ok, here's the thing...she comes with some baggage but I knew that going into this. She's been married once before and her husband cheated on her. Furthermore her parents did not have a healthy positive sex life so everything that revolves around sex has been negative in her view. Even further complicating matters she has fibromyalgia and potentially a thyroid issue.

    But I love her deeply and I can't see myself with anyone else. We are compatible on many levels, even if sex may not be one of them. Now while I may get sexually frustrated at times, I am a Christian man and unlike her ex infidelity and/or divorce is not an option in my book. In my opinion physical intimacy can only bring a couple closer together.

    I feel that God has gifted her to me and while I am no saint I feel that he know she needs a man like me. All things considered I feel I am a patient and sensitive lover and I am just trying to solve this mystery of how to get her to come to terms with her sexuality and other related things. I know I probably shouldn't be posting all this but I guess it's anonymous...

    Anyways, my main frustration is with the prostate massaging and that's why I have come back here.
  • isvaraisvara
    Posts: 873
    Edit: post deleted
  • I'm sorry I respect what you are saying and unfortunately my fiancee has the same views as you but a lot of that is b.s. I don't buy it. Women need sexual release just as much as men, they just might not admit it. Plenty of women masturbate and I personally know a few that basically became addicted after discovering the pleasurable joy of it in their 20's. Their sexuality might be more repressed and need to be brought out but God designed women to be sexual creatures too. He even gave them an organ purely for pleasure; unlike our penis the clitoris has no biological function.

    Also I should probably clarify that it is not so much the multiple orgasms I am looking for as much as it is increased stamina so she has enough time to reach orgasm too. Women have just as much if not more orgasmic potential, they just take longer to get there; 15 min on average I've read. I'm looking to strengthen my PC muscles in order to withhold ejaculation and eliminate the refractory period. Make sense?
  • Alex_xxxAlex_xxx
    Posts: 563
    . Well there you have it. If you're gonna tell me that God brought you two together - then its reasonable to say that God is the reason why your sexlife is uhm.. malfunctioning.. as well huh? Or?
    She's in a position where she wont be what you want her to be sexually I take it. Still God put you two together for a reason. So suck it up.. If it's Gods work, then there's a reason why, right? Keep on having faith if it serves you.

    Personally I believe people should draw a line about what role God plays in their daily life.. "Everything is Gods work", is simply not a healthy way of thinking - if you ask me.

    But you're madly in love with her, so the question is - can you live the way you do, and still have no regrets when you're in your final minutes - ready to meet, or not meet, your maker.

    Faith and belief is a powerful thing, yet people mostly believe in God when they're in dispair. That really bothers me, and I have as well in moments of dispair.. In my eyes that makes me weak. I should be able to rely on my self and believe that I, me, myself, is what pulls me through the bad times - and create the good times.

    I am, therefor I create. If god created us, then something must have created him as well. And he's able to think, then he MUST be a physical being. No body, no mind, no thought.. Thats a universal law.

    My two pennies..
  • Well that was rude....
  • No, I tend to go by the mantra if it's easy it ain't worth it. I don't know the reason for our difficulties but I don't think God is being malicious or vindictive for some reason. I had a feeling mentioning my beliefs would rub someone's butt wrong... *sigh*

    As a matter of fact I do believe I am strong willed. I once stopped masturbating for Lent and would have made it all the way through if it weren't for wet dreams beginning and then it just seemed pointless. Also we didn't have intercourse for nearly 3 months and that only occurred after a frightening near death experience where we decided maybe we shouldn't wait until marriage in the case that we don't get the chance. I'm 26 and survived until now without making love to a woman so I don't see it as a "need" so much, it's just a desire to connect with her on that level and enhance/strengthen our bond. Besides, sex without love is meaningless, right?
  • ineverknewineverknew
    Posts: 1,163
    @sensitiveguy22, if mentioning your faith on here helps you get your point across, then please by all means speak your mind.  Not everyone on here is going to get butt-hurt LOL  I for one appreciate you honesty and willingness to be forth coming about your faith.  Obviously no relationship is perfect and there will always be obstacles that come up.  Its important that you feel you guys can work together to overcome them.  Me and my wife have been married for 12 years and the sex has been missing for some years now.  I struggle with it more then she does.  But for me its more important that we are together and the sex is secondary and something we can work on.  There are no easy answers to be found on this forum and the decision is up to you on how to proceed.  You may not get her to agree to everything but if she is willing to work with you on some things then I would think that would be enough.  Communication is the key.  Hope that helps.
  • Than you ineverknew. Yes I would like to emphasize that I didn't ask for anyone to criticize or judge me or my relationship, I simply asked for help. I've noticed many of you have been very helpful to other members in the past.
  • isvaraisvara
    Posts: 873
    @Alex_xxx. This is off topic a bit but demands comment:
    I think therefore I am. (Descartes)
    I am therefore I think. (I am consciousness)
    But
    I am therefore I create.
    Wow this says it all.
    'Thou art, That, thou art,

    And indeed my primary creation is my Self.
    So I am ultimately responsible for who I am.
  • Some further background...

    While we both grew up sheltered Christians I have explored far more and been exposed to a lot of ideas feelings etc and am very comfortable now touching myself, discussing sex, etc. I basically devoted my free time in college to reading manuals and watching instructional videos, learning everything I could so I could be a masterful lover someday...

    And now that I have found someone I have hoped that all that theoretical knowledge would pay off, but so far I have often been left puzzled :/
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,295
    sensitiveguy,

    there are a lot of things going on with you and your fiance.  first is that she has trouble enjoying sex, because of discomfort, both physical and emotional, and also because you feel you aren't holding on long enough.  rumel and others pointed the way:  you need professional help dealing with this, either through counselling, if you can afford it, or with books.  you need to somehow bring her into the project.  there are plenty of sex counselors who specialize in this, and could potentially be very helpful.

    by the way, is she is on depression medication, as that can often cause lack of sex drive in women?

    the other component is your interest in learning to use the aneros, both for its own sake, and also to make you a better lover to your fiance.  the one thing that comes to mind is that to get a big response from the aneros, it is not just a physical phenomenon.  you also need to bring to it a willingness to really let go sexually.   is it possible that you are inhibited from doing so?  i probably would be if my fiance was disapproving of my, and her own, sexuality.

    darwin
  • If she is the only woman that you have ever been with, then you have no point of reference. If everything you read in manuals, and saw in instructional videos were true, your Aneros would have you on the fringes of the Galaxy by now, and she would be giving you more sex, than you could ever want. She has you at a very distinct disadvantage! Being in a sexless relationship, gets old rather quickly. Her excuses are going to become trite. Sometimes love is not sex, and sex is not love.

    Does GOD want you to be in a sexless marriage? Is your Christianity going to remedy your dilemma? Are the excuses you make for her, only made to make you feel better? What she is NOW doing, is MORE than likely going to continue, once you get married. Matter of fact, it will get WORSE! She is conditioning you. You won't be able to get her to come to terms with her sexuality. No matter how hard you try! You said divorce and infidelity, is not an option for you. NEVER SAY NEVER! You will cheat, you might not divorce, but you will cheat. Heed the advice the Lads are dispensing! The best intentions are fraught with disappointment.
    I can say this, because I was once you. You have decisions to make. Make them adroitly, as well as concisely.
  • Okay, let me re-direct this discussion back to an aneros focus.  Perhaps I'm not posing the right questions...

    I think my problem is one of mobility and I don't know if the cause is incorrect lubrication, position, etc.  I've tried a number of methods including the condom method.  Usually what happens is upon insertion I sense contact and things are feeling good, but soon enough the feelings ebb away and the device feels like nothing more than a butt plug.  Occasionally it becomes mobile and I can feel it "auto fucking" me but this has never produced more than uncontrollable shaking of my body which really is kinda unpleasant.  The "calm seas" sound much more pleasing even if they don't result in a Super O...

    I would have to say the best session I can recall was early on there was a time that my cock oozed pre-cum like a fountain for a few minutes (was unusual cause I rarely produce much pre-cum) and it felt wonderful but I've never achieved the same since.  I few times I've had what felt like the start of something but as much as I tried to relax my ass would automatically clench and it seems that would reposition the massager and cut off the feelings that were building :/

     

  • @Pspotsquirter:  I'm going to kindly disregard everything you said and you can go fuck yourself!

    It's people like you who are poison and have made marriage/monogamous relationships a joke in America...

  • Alex_xxxAlex_xxx
    Posts: 563
    isvara said:

    @Alex_xxx. This is off topic a bit but demands comment:
    I think therefore I am. (Descartes)
    I am therefore I think. (I am consciousness)
    But
    I am therefore I create.
    Wow this says it all.
    'Thou art, That, thou art,

    And indeed my primary creation is my Self.
    So I am ultimately responsible for who I am.



    Nice! Fellow closet philosopher @isvara :)

    sorry @sensitiveguy, I see how you feel it was rude.. But they are my two pennies, you can take them or I can put em back on my piggybank.
  • Actually Alex I think I overreacted a bit, yours was nothing compared to the rudeness of sir pspot...
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,295
    i don't think it is going to be profitable to pursue the religious and GOD discussion here.  either you believe in it or you don't.   

    sensitiveguy, for many people, myself included, points of view that include "GOD intended this or that" are often a problem, so they are best left out of discussions on forums like this.

    on the other hand, i do think concerns about partnerships and sexuality are pertinent, as are technical problems with aneros use.  

    you brought in a bunch of stuff to the discussion, and people responded.  i do not think it is fair for you to get angry when people, trying to help, express views that are not in agreement with your world outlook.  i do not think anybody here has been rude (except, i am afraid to say, you, which i hope you can recognize).

    so, guys, let's move the discussion back away from flames and back towards productivity.

    sensitiveguy is asking for help, and i bet we can help him.

    darwin
  • Alex_xxxAlex_xxx
    Posts: 563
    Well, @pspot warns you so that you dont walk through the valley of death.......without shoes. If you catch my drift. I can relate to alot he's said. I've actually had 5 long relationships my self. About 5 years each.. And never did the sex get better. None of them were adventureous or sexually bold. The one I have now is.. Love follows you and given time it will blossom regardless of sex. Sex on the other hand is 10 times more difficult to balance. And sex coupled with human desire - for lack thereof - is the biggest relationship destroyer the world has ever seen.
    The woman as I know the beeing can cheat on you three ways:
    Emotionally/feelings
    Financially/security
    Physically/sexually

    Whatever you don't give her is what she will subconsiously look for in a man, cheat with, and want recognition for.

    Out of the three, I ALWAYS want my girl to always be sexually satisfied... That is where I Least of all want her to cheat on me.
  • I'm sorry darwin but when someone attacks my beliefs and goes so far as to say things are going to get worse, there's no hope, and essentially that I should abandon her...well that's going to strike a nerve. It was a very rude post suggesting some very poisonous ideas. I don't see how it can be seen otherwise unless you don't believe in being faithful to your woman (note woman, not women)
  • Alex_xxxAlex_xxx
    Posts: 563
    Just want to add something @sensitiveguy..

    You say that the clitoris has no biologial function.

    Well, the clit stretches 11 cm up along the vaginal canal and all around 'inside" in a circular motion bacwards to the butt. This is so that they will feel pleasure while giving birth, and pleasure during sex / reproducing. You are the same, the only function of the nerved on your penis is to create pleasure during sex. The female orgasm pumps sperm inside her opening to her ovaries like your penis pumps sperm out. This coupled with the release of endorfins amongst other things makes you crave sex. Sex is like drugs and testosterone is a "catalyst".
  • Apparently my attempt to redirect the discussion is failing as none of the posts have addressed this...

    Okay, let me re-direct this discussion back to an aneros focus.  Perhaps I'm not posing the right questions...

    I think my problem is one of mobility and I don't know if the cause is incorrect lubrication, position, etc.  I've tried a number of methods including the condom method.  Usually what happens is upon insertion I sense contact and things are feeling good, but soon enough the feelings ebb away and the device feels like nothing more than a butt plug.  Occasionally it becomes mobile and I can feel it "auto fucking" me but this has never produced more than uncontrollable shaking of my body which really is kinda unpleasant.  The "calm seas" sound much more pleasing even if they don't result in a Super O...

    I would have to say the best session I can recall was early on there was a time that my cock oozed pre-cum like a fountain for a few minutes (was unusual cause I rarely produce much pre-cum) and it felt wonderful but I've never achieved the same since.  I few times I've had what felt like the start of something but as much as I tried to relax my ass would automatically clench and it seems that would reposition the massager and cut off the feelings that were building :/

     



  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,403
    sensitiveguy22,

    It is obvious you are experiencing an emotional storm at the present time and this alone is likely to be an impediment to your Aneros journey. As I'm sure you've already discovered your mental state has a large effect on your physical well being. I invite you to read @SteelColdiron 's thread Aneros : The Essential Mind State to reflect on the importance of your mental state on your orgasmic response. Mental turmoil is antithetical to the Super-O experience, regaining a stable emotional balance and being at peace with yourself are critical factors to achieving success.
    image Good Vibes to You ! image
  • I have not made a mockery of marriage and/or relationships. And I AM far fom being poisonous! Marriage and relationships are in a state of mockery, because two people get together, with the intent of changing the other person. Marriage and relationships are in a state of further mockery, because the afore mentioned 2 people, that get together are not whole, complete people, that know themselves. One can only change One's self. You are in conflict with yourself, and your Christianity. Would Jesus, have told me to go @&$- myself?
    Why would God want you in a self-imposed Hell? Perhaps, the voice that you are hearing is not God. Maybe it is your ego. Is not ego the antithesis of self? Could your ego indeed be your anti-Christ? Could your pride,
    in thinking you will change her, make you a glutton for punishment? Are not pride and gluttony, two of the Seven Deadly Sins? You have a choice to make: Will you go to Tarshish, or will you go to Nineveh? I hope the belly of the whale, is all you hope it to be.
  • isvaraisvara
    Posts: 873
    I am picking out some questions you asked
    @sensitiveguy22 Quoting "I'm looking to strengthen my PC muscles in order to withhold ejaculation and eliminate the refractory period. Make sense?"
    This may help but in the long term can tense you up so much that Ej may not happen. I found I had to unlearn this as it was pushing my blood pressure way off the gauge. I then understood why some men die after sex - scary. It also may be annoying to your partner if you are able to keep going when she has had enough particularly if she in not enjoying it or it is painful. I think what most of us are saying is consider your partner on your journey.
  • AneRicoAneRico
    Posts: 309
    Deleted by author
  • @pspotsquirter

    Well then sorry I guess I misunderstood your sarcastic, rhetorical, and cryptic responses. You sure came across like the devils advocate...
  • And WOW, why does the mention of religion chap some of your butts so much?  I asked for help, but I am not going to accept destructive advice.  Her ex husband was an asshole and continues to prove such.  She did everything she could to try to save their marriage and I respect that and believe she will put the same care and attention in to our marriage.  The difference is she has a loving and committed partner this time.  And for what it's worth she has told me that believe or not she's much more comfortable with me and has done far more sexually than in the past.  So there's that.  I'm not above seeking professional help and we've talked about counseling, but I had questions pertaining to aneros as well and some of you have been very helpful of others when it comes to relationship advice.

     

    Perhaps my OP came across wrong.  She's not damaged goods, she's a Ferrari that just needs a tune up.  Unfortunately I'm an engineer, not a mechanic, but I have faith I'll figure it out in time.  She probably just needs patience and time to figure out that sex is a beautiful positive thing; a gift that God gives us. :)

     

  • Apparently some of you also take issue with men who stay faithful and true to their vows...guilty?
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,295
    @sensitiveguy22,

    i think you should consider ceasing participation in this thread except to discuss aneros specifics.

    the thread is degenerating into non-productive topics, and topics that are not appropriate on this forum.

    darwin
  • Well I'm sorry darwin but that's not really my fault. I tried to redirect the flow but I keep being attacked and I won't stand for it!

    I politely reiterated that I didn't ask for criticism or judgment. I asked for helpful advice and for the most part all I've gotten has been negativity and attacks on my beliefs...
  • Alex_xxxAlex_xxx
    Posts: 563
    Fun fact.. Women who come out of an abusive relationship often find themselves in......

    I'm leaving this thread. Good luck to you sir!

    My advice to you is to read Dave Packards 11 simple rules.
  • OK. Sensitiveguy, you remind me of myself in many ways. I'm no expert, but based on my own experience, I'd say that you are probably gay... You just don't know it yet. I grew up in a very religious background and it took some time for my sexuality to develop, and a lot of soul searching to finally realize who i was.

    The fact that you have only been with this one girl (who happens to dislike sex), might be subconsciously convenient to someone who might not fully enjoy heterosexual sex. If you think about it, you are knowingly and willfully choosing to be stuck in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. There is no doubt you love her. But since your biggest priority is to do God's plan (and not to pursue your own happiness in a healthy relationship), there is a chance you might just be doing what your religious views expect you to do. That is, marrying a woman and live "happy ever after," regardless of whether you are truly happy or not.

    You do have a sexual libido. Your body does want sex and intimacy. So why choose a path that would deny you of that? Sexuality is not black or white. It is something very complex. Some of us just need to learn about ourselves as we go, and have to learn to let go of the mold we were taught as being "ideal" and the one supposedly God wants for us.

    Take my humble advice for what it is. I will be more than happy to lend an ear if you need one. Best luck to you.

  • Interesting theory, but no. While I do suppose it's possible I'm bi I'm definitely not gay. My fiancee can turn me on in a heartbeat without even touching me. Just her presence in the room is often arousing and her scent is intoxicating. I love touching her and eating her pussy but sadly she rarely lets me...

    Also I highly doubt that gay men watch lesbian porn, which prior to meeting her I had an extensive collection of. I trashed it all because she views porn as cheating more or less. That's ok though she's sexier than any porn star; don't need any other visual stimuli and when I jerk off I'm thinking about her.