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my personal dilemma
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    Ok, well like I said this is personal, just a little bit about me and how my Aneros journey began.

    I could say this started when me and my girlfriend became sexually active together. And one day I found what me and her call "the spot". Simply it is the clitoris, and I didn't so much "find" - rather I found a great way to stimulate it. Now my girlfriend has never been curious about her lady parts throughout her whole life, no masturbation of any kind and she didn't really know much about her body, she simply knew about the menstrual cycle and learned what she needed to to deal with that process.
    So when I found this spot she started shaking, I mean literally her legs flutter up and down in a cute jiggling motion and she bucks and arches her back and she says it feels AMAZING. She was in awe of the feeling and thought it was totally unexpected.
    Now you might foresee the dilemma coming up here.
    Some may find this to be disgraceful but I bought an Aneros simply because I am jealous.
    I really wish I could experience the pleasure females can experience...
    And the worst part about it is well... it takes a toll on our sex life... I WANT to pleasure her and make her feel amazing, but every time I do it I feel...... empty. I feel sexually unsatisfied and it seems anything she does to try to pleasure me is even less satisfying than it would be simply because no matter what NOTHING she does makes me react the way she does and that sticks in my mind, I as a male cannot just LET GO and immerse myself in orgasmic bliss...
    I catch myself in what is known as "learned helplessness" which is essentially feeling bad about feeling bad... I told her about my jealousy and she has learned many tricks since then to try and make the best of what I have (the nerve endings on my body - obviously none are as concentrated and pleasurable as the clitoris) but I am still jealous... I feel like a burden on her as I talk with her frequently about my jealousy and I even find myself being jealous during work, classes and other random times.
    I'm insecure as she has shared with me her bisexuality and I fear it would be so much easier for her to just get involved with a girl... the girl would be more attractive I'm sure and she would also have a spot...
    This has been going on for perhaps 4 or 5 months... and we do have to worry about our parents... in other words we don't have tons of time alone together even though we are both adults over 18.
    I have been dating this girl for a year now and we are looking forward to many more years... I'm just so exhausted feeling jealous... like the word "sybian" enters my mind no less than twice a day I would guess. And bless her heart she vowed to me she's willing to sacrifice riding a sybian one day... but honestly that makes me feel worse... that sacrifice is a band-aid that makes me feel like I'm holding her back from enjoying her own body and learning all about it with a sybian...
    I want her to be happy, I want nothing to be holding this relationship back, I want this to turn into a bonding experience where I learn about my body and she's right there too. Nothing could ever replace her but if we could turn this around in it's entirety we would be just one more struggle closer.

    But I fear

    I fear that it won't because of biology
    But also
    I hope
    Perhaps my Aneros journey can help - so far it does help, but unfortunately not substantially.
    Perhaps she can help my Aneros journey along, perhaps I need to do it alone
    Perhaps I hold myself back with this jealousy
    Perhaps I will never find an answer


    Well, there you go, if you did read all of that thank you for spending some time reading my dilemma and perhaps leaving counsel.

    Thanks much
  • TurnrowTurnrow
    Posts: 176

    I am truly sorry that in the midst of the good things in your life, you are struggling with so many fears. 

    Concentrate on the good things and give thanks for those.  Fear is consuming and has a spiraling effect to sully reality and all the good things in your life.

    I would hope that you can grow to replace fear with faith, and from faith will come confidence in the midst of struggles, because life itself is a struggle at every turn in our existence.

    Bless you today on your journey.  Enjoy your youth, son, as you are young only one time in this road of life. 

    Keep posting.  This is a great forum of help on all the facets of you life.

  • ineverknewineverknew
    Posts: 1,209
    just my opinion here, but your self loathing and anger for not being able to enjoy your girlfriends orgasmic bliss might need some professional help, from say a psychologist.  Being able to enjoy giving others pleasure or making them happy should be extremely pleasurable all by itself.
    Jealousy can be all consuming if you let it.  Everyone is sometimes a little jealous, but it sounds like you have let it get out of control.  I agree with @turnrow, you might want to look into religion as an answer also.  
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,492

    You are not the first young man to express his fears and insecurities regarding his sexuality. I think to a certain extent this is a pretty common phenomenon for men to experience as they mature.

    Rather than re-type it here, I will invite you to read the thread posted by 'Anonicos', another young man facing a similar dilemma. Some very good advice was put forth in the thread Some serious questions... Additionally, you may wish to read 'Fluflu's thread Just turned 18, I want to get myself a Helix... Comments?
    image Good Vibes to You ! image

  • xtimedt69xtimedt69
    Posts: 700

    @EyBoi Man you wrote a long response and I don't want to be flippant. But being jealous of her biology is not very healthy. In my life (I am 54) I have learned to get pleasure from giving her pleasure. I get really cranked up at the thought and site of her getting pleasure from me or even a toy. Watching and enjoying her enhances what I get from sex with her. Being Jealous gets in the way of you enjoying the beautiful things you have and can ruin the enhanced pleasure you can experience.

    You can explore it with her.

    Now as far as Aneros ... It is not instant, but a long term thing. You must build up muscle control and awake the prostate. If you think of both Aneros and sex with her as a journey rather than a destination, you may open up new experiences you never dreamed of.

  • airbagairbag
    Posts: 137
    Obligatory reading:

    More seriously, good luck and cheer up. Try to look at yourself from a distance.
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    Thanks much aneros community, I do find joy in giving pleasure but its more of a rewarding sensation... when i talk about pleasure I'm talking about that sensation I can only imagine that allows me to just relax and be free and shake in the arms of my lover. Perhaps I should rephrase "jealous" with something to the nature of just "I wish I had that" because this jealousy doesn't exactly target anything... besides perhaps girls in general... but obviously I cannot do anything about that... what it really comes down to is - it would be nice if I could get what I give lol. Because I mean with regards to getting cranked up about her pleasure (which again I do) I feel like a sore loser saying this but, I feel like a servant who's just supposed to enjoy serving...
    I already see a psychiatrist for other issues, but I cannot ever seem to bring this up with him because I feel like the answer at the end of the day is just "accept it and try to enjoy what you can". I really wish I never found out about the female anatomy because perhaps just knowing male anatomy is less pleasurable perhaps make me interpret it as less than it is and could be... worst case scenario being aneros not working because of this - my "solution" would not work because of my problem's severity.
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    Another thing I might add to make the picture clear is I have a lot going on in my life, and I'm very very stressed as I go into nursing school and try to move out. I really think perhaps I may have only brought myself more troubles looking for sexual activity as a means of reward and release at this point in my life, where just planning some time together is difficult.. maybe the antidote would be finally being able to enjoy each other without fear or holding back, just freely doing as we wanted maybe that would change things for me.
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    Also one should not make a connection between my desire to give CARE to patients (the nursing school bit) and my desire to give PLEASURE to my girlfriend. I genuinely do enjoy and look forward to being a part of the process of making people better and healthy once again so that they may do great things and live life happily. But when I give pleasure to her, it feels like something I can never have back...
  • twlltintwlltin
    Posts: 603
    EyBoi said:

    But when I give pleasure to her, it feels like something I can never have back...

    Why do you assume that can't happen? If you take that viewpoint you're defeated before you've even started.

    Firstly, take pride that you are giving her pleasure. You did that. That's an achievement in itself.

    Secondly, don't assume that achieving the same level of pleasure is impossible for you. Your task now is to read up on the "how" and work towards that. It will take time and dedication, but it's well worth the effort.

    You're lucky in that you've come to the right place for support and advice in your personal quest.
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    I find that a lot of these feelings can be ousted by logic, the problem is the feeling is still there, which leads me towards the "I have to accept the way it is" side, and also the reason I feel defeated is because you just have to look at girls on say a sybian lol... they lose their minds and before I saw videos of aneros users I thought that sort of pleasure IMPOSSIBLE for a man.
    And while it is difficult to say "well this pleasure is not comparable because one cannot feel how a different person feels" as true as this is, I still see women moaning, screaming etc...
    a good analogy I told my friend regarding the period and babies and that sortof negative stuff(a female coworker who talks with me about everything) "would you rather have a mouth that drools all the time that can taste food really well or would you rather have a mouth that didn't drool but can taste food roughly half as well?"
    Another way to explain how I feel is "I can make the highest roller coaster with the most loops and twists and turns - the fastest and best in the world, but I'm not able to ride it"
  • It is possible to be overly critical of one self and of others.  Anxiety disorders, and compulsive complexes can be the result of ones upbringing, or genes, or both.  EyBoi, take a deep breath.  Exhale.  Do it again.  Relax.  Tension is tied to the mind and your thoughts.  Find beauty in a flower, in a sunset, in a fragrance.  Enjoy life's simple pleasures.  Breathing is a pleasure.  Stop breathing for a few seconds, and see how quickly you enjoy doing it again.  Simple.  My message is, don't over complicate.  Simplify.  Keep up the professional help.
  • xtimedt69xtimedt69
    Posts: 700

    I was forty before I realized that the best part of sex with my wife was not the orgasm. It was the rest of it. Later I realized that I had more energy and more passion for life when I was horny and I head the least immediately after orgasm.

    Relax man and stop overthinking this. It is life and sometimes there are just things that are what they are.

    I understand that it can be hard to put it aside, especially with the passion of youth.   ;)

  • JMayJMay
    Posts: 117
    What's up EyBoi? I hope this helps, because your personal dilemma finally made me join this community with a username and all. (I hope my english isn't too slacky, over the years I've gotten more lazy in that aspect).

    First of all, I kind of understand you, but, I'm just guessing here, you're not very experienced with Aneros? (sorry if you already mentioned it)
    Once you're a more experienced user, all these issues won't be. I will create a thread telling all my experience and what I've found out in almost a year of using this device. So basically this post isn't a "how-to" post, but a "don't feel discouraged, it can be done" post.

    As I said I've had it for almost a year, I used it a lot the first couple of weeks but later I kind of got bored of it, I didn't get many results so I stopped. Then I would use it sporadically, until december 2012 I started using it more concistently. Ah, by the way, I had achieved two super o's during the first months, but it was very ellusive, after those sessions I could never recreate those sensations. In fact the first one I had was very late at night, like 1:30 am and I had to go to college the next day so I happily interrupted my session thinking "I finally got the hang of this, I'll keep going tomorrow, now I have to sleep". I was kicking myself after doing that, it was impossible to get to the same state (even months after that) and I just knew I could've gone on for a looong time.

    Don't feel discouraged, just to give you an idea, one of those sessions lasted over an hour, I know because I was listening to an album, and for each song I had two long super-o's, basically minutes long. That is, minutes inmersed in total orgasmic bliss, feeling, as others have said here, as though mi IQ had dropped to 0 and something very wrong and taboo was going on. This time I didn't stop, I wasn't going to, no matter what, lol. It was completely amazing. After that, I kind of forgot about the whole Sybian thing. I started looking at it with other eyes, this time I knew what they were feeling (orgasming intensely and feeling extremely aroused for an hour). This is something I wouldn't admit IRL I guess... but I felt like a stupid teenage girl... maybe not stupid but extremely naive, and trying to be cool, thus being taken advantage of that naivety by some more "clever" guy. I didn't force those thoughts, they just came up during the super o's.

    To achieve these results, there's a long journey, but deffinitely worth the trip, because you'll be knowing yourself. I found out the aneros isn't a magical device, don't expect it to get the job done for you. Aneros is like the training wheels of a bike, it allows you to recognise sensations inside of your body so that your brain can learn how to feel those parts. Eventually you don't need it, but it's still fun to use. You're the man, you got the penis, you can have your "g-spot" constantly stimulated while stimulating hers. You can already do hers, so what you have to learn now is how to do yours while doing hers.

    You CAN feel those blissfull sensations during intercourse, but as I said, it takes practice and knowing yourself very well, you'll be discovering parts of your body you didn't know existed, and you'll be learning how to use them.
    I don't know if you're familiar with the thread "The male pussy" or something along those lines... but basically what you can achieve, I know because of experience, is an ability to thrust indeffinitely, still entering orgasmic states, without ejaculating. When you start your arousal from your prostate, keeping your focus on your prostate, when done right, the ejaculatory reflex won't even be there, you still get pleasure from what you feel with your penis, but it's not the center of the attention, the center is always the prostate. It is a very passive, yet active, way of arousal, similar to the way females get their pleasure, and as I said, it can be done and mastered. You never force the next level of arousal, you wait for it to happen. When you use your penis (focusing on it), you force the next level of arousal. When you center your attention in your prostate, the next level just comes along suddenly, as you get more and more in touch with your whole body. So when you start you have to be careful at first not to force anything, but eventually you fall into a loop where you can move freely, thrust freely, etc. thus stopping being the one that's there just to give pleasure. I suggest getting also a fleshlight to practice with the aneros too. At first you might cum almost instantly, lol, but just because you're not used to the sensations and don't know how to handle them.

    This post is basically to make you realise that it can be done, because it's the first step you should take. I'll go into technical aspects in my future thread, how to do it, etc. But right now you're the only one that't getting between you and success. ;) shut that mind off, it keeps you, and everybody else blind.
  • isvaraisvara
    Posts: 1,035
    @eyBoi, I think you are identifying far too much with a female orgasm. It could become an obsession which may then make it difficult for you to make the journey to the depth of the male orgasm. I would also take the pressure off your girl to extend her experience, she will when she is ready or not.
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    Thanks again Aneros community,
    I think I will look into a sex therapist when I can afford to get one and see where that takes me (this is assuming that the problem persists)
    Until then I think I'll continue trying to get that superO and see what happens on the way, hopefully these concerns don't hold me back.
    Until then, I'll continue grappling this issue until I either come to face and accept the reality or can actually manage to change the reality.
    Also Rumel my situation is very similar to Anonicos.
    - EyBoi
  • MMO_RPGlolMMO_RPGlol
    Posts: 242
    Dude you described the way I felt EXACTLY. Its really sad. All I can say is that love will get you through it. You sound like you have a good girlfriend, and even though you may be completely unhappy with yourself like I am, you can overlook. It gets worse before it gets better. Just remember that you got a gspot in your butt, and even though it doesn't do too much right now, it will eventually make you shatter and melt just like your girlfriend does. Its quite a good thing really:)
  • EyBoiEyBoi
    Posts: 18
    Update for those who have helped:
    Still feel faintly jealous, have been too busy to really try using the Aneros (usually somewhat tired and/or not very aroused) and I also usually don't have very much time to invest in sessions, tend to try different masturbation tricks with myself, discovered orgasm denial and then finally letting me release, not sure how to tech my girl how to do this :/ especially while I'm still working on how to do this for myself. But definately potential in it.
    I feel like the stresses of life are distracting me from finding that special pleasure/rewiring.
    But not having no fun at all, just feel extremely busy, try to manage some date time, very little time for sex as we are not moved in together.
    I do still have hope though.