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Benefits I'm seeking to achieve, and those I didn't expect.
  • cheesybear
    Posts: 2
    Hello,
    First allow me to introduce myself.  I'm a 36 year old hetero married male.  My wife and I have experimented with pegging and a little anal play in the past, but we're novices, and haven't gotten much out of it.   Lately, my frustration with premature ejaculation has motived me to try to find a solution that addresses the problem.  We've tried a few things in the past year, and sleeves seem to be the best (like a really thick condom), but that just seems like we're working around the problem, and not trying to solve it.  My wife never has easy orgasms, and although she said it didn't bother her, it's been bothering me.  In the past year, I've successfully gotten her to orgasm a couple of times with my hands, but always after I come...  and only then if I'm close, otherwise she seems to lose steam when I blow my load.  I want to be able to be inside of her when she gets off, but that's never happened.  So we've been exploring toys, tantra, etc and I'm learning that pelvic floor muscle strength/control seems to be the key thing.

    So in the last few months I've tried doing these kegal exercises, and she got a pair of luna balls.  She says she can feel a workout when she uses the balls, but I've struggled to get into a routine and know if I'm doing them right.  I can clinch my anus, but is that really the muscle that you need to work on?   It also just feels like I'm pathetically weak.   I've also learned recently that men have pelvic muscles which are generally too tense, while women are not tight enough.    The idea goes that lack of muscle control is what leads to PE.  Not a lot of good information out there though, and I'm thinking that every guys problems are not nessecariy the same.   But I'm thinking that either way, these exercises will have a benefit, so why not try?

    I saw the aneros products years ago, but thought they were pretty spendy.   I mean a $10 plug is one thing, $40 is a lot more, especially when you don't know what you're looking for.  At the time, I thought I was looking for anal stimulation, and that prostate stim would automatically come with regardless of the device.   Well, about a month ago, in reading about pelvic floor toning devices I came across the aneros products again, and thought, well maybe this is more like a medical/exercise device and not a sex toy per se.   I bought the helix, and have been using it 4-5 times a week before bed, and have been pretty impressed with it.   I get feedback when I do kegal exercises, and I can feel a difference in feedback based on how I flex.   That feedback seems valuable, if I can only figure out which muscles are the right ones now.  I seem to only get that 'I have to pee feeling' when I clinch really hard, but get a nice warm relaxating tingle when I try to relax or 'bear down'.

    I can get it in fairly easily, and the first few times I used it, was surprised by the waves of relaxation it gave me more or less immediately.   Sometimes, I'll lay down and relax, othertimes, I've stuck it in and gone about my day...  I find that when I've got it in, my posture is better, and I'm more focused about how I use my whole body.  It feels weird to be walking around with a 'stick up my butt', as that would imply that I was uptight, but it seems to focus my relaxation, and make me slow down when doing other thing.  I can't say I've really had an 'orgasm' off of it yet, but it is pleasurable and something that is enjoyable... I think now I can understand how women can enjoy sex even if they don't get off.  

    I get what people say about focusing, and haven't been able to get into a deep trance with it yet, but time does seem to go by quickly, and it seems to just make me all around happier.  I fell into a bad depression last fall, and took anti-depressants for a few months.  While I was taking them, I remember thinking, wow these are great, I feel awesome, everyone should know about these.  Honestly, that's how I feel about the aneros now...  I have more energy, feel happier, and want to spread the gospel. 

     My wife and I have had sex a few times since I got it, once with it in, which gave me a stronger orgasm but still little control, then about a week ago we had sex without it, and I felt a much better sense of control.  I felt like I was able to ride the pleasure waves better without coming, and when I finally came, it was huge.   A few nights later, we had sex for hours (not penetrative the entire time, but lots of different types of stimulation), and I was able to hold off (by stopping simulation and being more aware) until I was ready.  Still no orgasm on her part, but I felt like I gave it a better effort.  I still cannot thrust and grind enough to get her to orgasm without coming, as when she's really turned on, and wants me to go 'harder', I need to stop, but I feel like I'm getting closer.  What I'm working on now is just trying to make sure that I come when I want to, and not trying to head it off in the middle of it being hot and heavy.  Again, the whole pinch technique just seems to be a work around, not solving the real problem, and the idea of holding back, while I've had a non-ejaculatory orgasm a couple of times, seems to only work about half the time.

    Anyway, I'm posting here because I curious if anyone else has used Aneros to tone pelvic floor muscles and to help with premature ejaculation.  With aneros, I'm getting feedback, and have been able to identify what muscles are where, and have been able to learn how to do a partial contraction, and not just a full on clench.  Before , it seemed like I could tense my muscles but couldn't hold for more than a few seconds.   I'm also wondering what people think about what muscles to work... I've been able to separate my muscles a bit, but it seems like my anus is the dominant muscle.   I can feel my penis muscle (the ones at the base/scrotum), but they are a lot harder to control.   Is anal clinching also helping the other muscles, or should I try harder to just work my penis muscles.

    I've definitely found some benefits after 3 weeks of use.  I sit all day at work, and have had hemmoriods in the past, but haven't had any since I started helix use, bowl movements seem more comfortable too.   I also feel that I have an easier time peeing (i.e. no shy bladder). But what's surprised me the most is how I'm sleeping.   In the past, I've had great difficultly sleeping due to restless legs and muscle/shoulder/back tension... some nights, stretching is enough, other nights I need ipuprofin to get to sleep.  I've heard some people say that aneros use while sleeping results in a poor nights sleep, that hasn't been the case for me.

     I usually use my helix at bedtime (when I would typically masturbate if she wasn't in the mood).   The first few times, I had about a 30 minutes session followed by a traditional orgasm, but lately, I'll get going, get relaxed, ride a few waves, and then fall deeply asleep, only to awake 3-4 hours later having to pee, and it's still in.  Sometimes I'll pull it out then, but If it's not irritating me, I've left it in until I wake up in the morning.  My pelvic floor muscles feel great a few hours later, with a nice buzzing, and I go about my day feeling aroused and energized.  Before,  I would ejaculate each night, now about half the time, I fall asleep before I ever get there.  I feel like this might be helping save my 'chi', which in turn is giving me other benefits.   I've tried not ejaculating before, but I usually get so damned horny that I've got to let it go, otherwise I'm oogling other women all day, and walking around with a hard on is annoying.   Now, I feel like I can be horny without a giant erection, and it's more of a feeling of wanting to touch and caress, not ejaculation.

    It feels as if the prostate massage is releasing endorphins that relax the rest of my body, or that learning how to relax with aneros is helping me get benefits elsewhere.   I have a stressful occupation, and know I carry too much stress around, but this has got me thinking that I need to focus more on relaxing my pelvic floor, as that may be the root to a lot of my problems (hemorriods, muscle tension, and premature ejaculation).   But this seems paradoxical, since a lot of the reading I've done says you need to strengthen you pelvic floor to avoid premature ejaculation...  Anyway, wondering what you experienced folks think about this.  

    What benefits have you seen?   If I keep at this, will my premature ejaculation go away?   Is this like riding a bike, where once you figure it out, you don't need to practice anymore, or do the benefits go away if you don't keep up with exercise.

    I just bought a progasm, seems to be a model of choice around here, and I'm wondering if the larger size will teach me even more about relaxation.  But then I was thinking that the Eupho would have been better, because it's smaller and more mobile, or the peridise which seems to focus more on toning, but doesn't have the same feedback.   At first the helix was uncomfortable when I would clench, but after a few weeks, it doesn't cause nearly the discomfort it did originally, and I don't even notice it's there a lot of the time.  I take that as a sign that I am increasing circulation and muscle tone in that area and moving in the right direction.

    I can see why many of the skeptics have poo poo'd the aneros and talked about this forum being 'holier than though'.  Clearly these guys were just looking for something to ram up their ass to get off, and they do not recognize the meditative whole body benefits of this.

    I'm also wondering how important lube is?  I apply, but it seems to dry up.  I seem to get good sensations off of it still, but it does seem like movement is inhibited a bit.   I don't like the mess though, so usually don't reapply after the original application.
  • to your last question: a lot of guys here (me included) do a quick enema as preperation, lube inside (there are lubing tools, i use a syringe) and apply vaseline to the aneros. the lube helps the aneros to move easily inside your anal canal, and can prevent from soreness.

    just have a look for lubing threads. there are loads of them.
  • Wired
    Posts: 83
    Cheesybear, I respect that you want to help your wife to achieve orgasm, especially when you are inside of her. However i would note that your post would imply that your attention is on You. Now of course you are a big part of this, however i think your attention should lie less in what you need to do (although still important and you pelvic floor muscles are indeed a good place to start) and more in what she needs to achieve orgasms. If im wrong please feel free to correct me, but i believe that just like the super-o womens orgasms are more so to do with arousal (which comes from the mind) than stimulation. Thats not to suggest that correct stimulation is obsolete, But only partly what is required. Try to think of the female orgasm more like the super-o, than the traditional male orgasm. Although excess stimulation for a male will almost always lead to Ejac, this is certainly not the case for female orgasms or the super-o. There is a large mental portion to this that must be set into motion before true orgasm can be achieved. For example i can bring myself to orgasm from pure thought alone, this is also true for women. Its not for me to tell you how to achieve this mind set for both You and your wife, but rather something you two should discuss between yourselves (i would suggest learning about energy meridians, and to stimulate them in foreplay (Must not be done half assed, but instead showing your true intentions of wanting to get her excited)).

    That aside, the aneros models are a good way to avoid PE. This however will definetly take time, and your PC muscle exercises are definetly going to help. Contracting your anus should feel like your pulling your tailbone up and in, Although this is still a good muscle to train, it is not the one you need for PE. The muscle you want to train up is the same one you use when you want to stop peeing mid stream. Its also the same one you use when you try to pull your testicles up. Without use these can become very weak and hard to feel/control. One good way to do this is with penis weights (place a small towel on the end of your erection, and lift your penis up for as long as you can until it falls again, repeat this 10 or so times per session until you are able to lift it easily, then move up in weight). One advantage to the aneros models is that with time you can learn to seperate orgasm and ejac, once this is achieved you may orgasm many times in a session without losing energy to continue, leaving your wife in orgasmic limbo so to speak.

    I think you And you wife will really benefit from reading, The tao of Sexology: the book of infinite wisdom by Dr. Stephen T Chang. Regardless of if it directly deals with your problems (i believe it will), There will be alot of useful information to enhance your understanding of sexual practise.

    I dont think you have to purchase any other models as your helix should be able to provide you with what you need to help prevent PE.

    Lube is definetly important and although your not getting any pain or discomfort, id stick to the rule of #More is better. Clean up is a better option than pain or damage.

    Welcome to the forums!
  • ineverknewineverknew
    Posts: 865
    @cheesybear, have you ever tried any desensitizing creams?  Alot of these have a numbing agent that will temporarily numb your penis and prevent ejaculation for a time.  The type of cream, type of numbing agent and how long it lasts will all be important as it would be no fun at all to be completely numb the entire time of sex. Alot of these are over the counter at the pharmacy, look for ones that contain lidocaine.  Just an idea, Hope that helps.
  • sandmann206
    Posts: 12
    I agree with the post above from Wired, Taoist views & practices have changed how I view sex, pleasure and performance and I don't think I would have ever truly gotten truly past my performance anxiety without this type of self discovery (aneros or not). And to answer your other question, at one point I used the aneros while doing kegel exercises, but ultimately I seperated the two because it made me focus too much on manually contracting my muscles instead of checking in with my body. I just make kegels part of my daily routine, mainly while driving to work in the car or on the bus. 

    Now, in regards to your performance ambition, it is my opinion that each individual is responsible for their own orgasm, regardless of premature ejaculation. It's great that you had a longer love making session after using the aneros, but I get this feeling that regardless of what you do you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself & your own performance. No matter how many techniques you learn or kegels you do, learning to let go of that need or desire to want to perform better will ultimately help more. If you beat yourself up because your wife didn't have an orgasm, once you reach that point in endurance you might beat yourself up because you couldn't give her multiple orgasms, or a full body orgasm, or multiple full body orgasms, or a super-orgasm etc. A woman (or man for that matter) can always have a better orgasm, and if you are focusing too much on performance you're going to create too much pressure for yourself, which will prevent you from enjoying & relaxing into the experience, which is actually what can prolong the pleasure & open up new possibilities. Beware of the idea that once you reach point B you will be happy & satisfied with your sexual performance, because you can always do better and there are always images of men on tv or in books/shows of these marathon men, so this pressure really won't just up and vanish overnight. It took me a couple years to truly let go of worrying about my performance. I realized after enough self exploration, every sexual encounter became a test of if I could perform well or not. It wasn't about enjoying my partner and every subtle sensation there was to experience, I just had this radar lock on achieving the female orgasm. 

    Getting back to each person being responsible for their own orgasm, it sounds like your wife is on board with expanding her sexuality and learning with you (not every couple does this, so congratulations to you two!). If she has difficulty reaching an orgasm through penetration or manual stimulation, can she climax easily by herself? If a woman (or man) has trouble reaching an orgasm by themselves, its going to be very hard for their partners to do the same because the partner cannot get immediate feedback from stimulation like you can when you touch yourself. I think every couple can learn from masturbating together, because it helps build trust & intimacy (in a sensual way, not the giant dildo/fucking machine/sybian way that porn sites try to portray female masturbation). It doesn't sound like you two will have any issues exploring yourselves and growing as a couple, but just remember it takes two to enjoy sex! Don't put all the pressure on yourself, and certainly don't point any fingers at your wife, just enjoy what you are capable of experiencing now and learn and grow sexually together. 

    Another book I'll recommend is: Men's Sexual Health - fitness for satisfying sex by barry maccarthy and michael metz. It talks about the conditioning we receive while growing up about sex & performance, and tries to teach you a "good enough" mindset with sexual performance. Men are sexual & emotional beings, and between work, kids, stress etc. on any given day you might not be at your peak performance, and that's ok! You are human, your body has its limitations and contrary to what we learn growing up or what the media/movies portray, men are not supposed to be fucking machines that can go hard and long all night, every night.