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Broken hearted
  • I know this doesn't deal directly with the Aneros, but it does indirectly and I have no one to talk to :(

    My GF just broke up with me. We've been best friends for the last year, grown feelings for each other and started dating 6 months ago. We started to love one another, she met my family they LOVED her (unlike other GFs) she loved them.

    We're very like minded etc. But she started wanting sex less and less and now I can tell I'm not appealing to her at all. This is due to my premature ejaculation. She can't get into it because 100% of the time I ejaculate before she can orgasm. It's programmed her to see sex as more of a hassle, understandably. If we go a second time she can orgasm but it's still rushed.

    She still cares about me and loves me but isn't in love with me because my body won't allow it. I feel so low. I understand where she's coming from. I don't blame her for having to leave me but it makes me feel like trash. Everything else about me she loves, but none of that matters because my dick won't allow her to really love me.

    I want nothing more in my life than to get over PE as soon as possible. I don't ever want to feel this way again. Problem, I don't know how to. I'm having labs done on me this next week to see if I have prostatitis which can cause it. If I don't have that then I think it's a nervous system, psychological deal. If it's that, I don't know how to get better except to love myself more and relax and enjoy sex.... how do I do that when sex is the most painful thing in my life?

    The last thing I have for myself right now is love. It's pathetic that I'm putting this shit on a forum but since coming back to college (I'm almost 27) all my friends are gone and she's the only person I have in my life. She wants to stay best friends but I'm incapable of doing that, and her feeling that way only hurts me more.

    Any words of wisdom or advice or channeling energy to me is so appreciated. I have so much to do with school but alll I want to do is drown myself (This is not a cry for help and I'd never do that. That is just how I FEEL)

  • Hey buddy...sorry about your troubles. Just know this, it does get better and there are some things you can do both medically and with sexual retraining regarding the premature ejaculation.

    Know this first: it's a very common issue between men and women that the guy arrives before the lady. There are a couple of ways to deal with this.
    1. You could simply focus on bringing your partner to orgasm by hand or tongue or toy (vibrator) first. Make this the first stop on your foreplay plan. Once she's cum, then you can move into intercourse and it shouldn't matter as much how quickly you cum. By that point, she'd be begging for you to stick it in. Just keep going til she cums then put your penis in her and pump away. By the way, the average duration of pumping time by males is five minutes...not 30-minutes or an hour. The average duration of a sexual session is 30-minutes and in a report from Indiana University on Sexual Practice in the US, they showed the average US couple engages in multiple forms of sexual activity (mutual oral, mutual masturbation, etc.) not just intercourse during an average sexual encounter.
    2. You can train yourself to take longer to come by focusing on a masturbation technique known as edging. In this practice, you masturbate, bringing yourself just to the point of no return or ejaculatory inevitability and then stop stimulating yourself and clam down on your PC muscles to prevent the seamen from shooting out and holding off the ejaculation. You have to practice your PC muscle exercises for several weeks in multiple sets daily to strengthen these muscles to where you are able to do this. But, it can be done. It takes a number of practice sessions masturbating by yourself to get this technique down. Once you become skilled in this clamping down, you can do it while you're having intercourse and keep an ejaculation from coming on. The other benefit of this technique is that once you master it, you can sometimes have multiple orgasms because the clamping down on the PC muscles shuts off the flow of seamen but it doesn't stop the orgasm. If you get really good at this, there's really no limit to how many orgasms you can have and then when you and the lady are ready, have another and let it blow.
    3. There are some medications that can help PE. Antidepresants can delay orgasm and this might be a solution. Viagra, Levitra and Cialis, although not normally needed for a younger guy like you, might be the thing to take the psychological pressure off from time to time. If your body responds to these like other guys your age, you'll make very hard wood and be able to keep going after you cum because your boner won't go down for a while...also making multiple orgasms with ejaculation possible. I use these meds for this purpose because my wife has a higher sex drive than me and I would sometimes get performance anxiety and worry about "what if I go soft during this?" and of course, that was all I could think about and it would happen. Try NOT thinking about a white polar bear. Same phenomenon. With these erection drugs, assuming everything is physically okay with you, you won't be able to NOT get hard and stay that way. Just helps you relax and not worry about performance.
    4. Finally, there's no substitute to an open and honest relationship. If this girl really loves you, she's not going to jump ship over a lack of hang time. She'll work with you to find a solution that works. If she's that shallow that she'd dump you over a circumstance like this, let her go. There's other fish in the sea. You're a good guy. You'll find the person that's right for you.

    I hope you have a better day and I hope you have a good friend or buddy you can talk to about this. It's not as uncommon as you're feeling. We guys like to keep it all inside, which is sad. Let me know if I or any of the other guys here can offer any more help.
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,492

    Your depression is palpable and my sympathy is with you, 'newguy8762' gave you some good advice and information. Premature Ejaculation is a complex issue which can have both a physical and psychological basis. The fact you are taking a proactive stance and are having the physical side of the problem investigated is excellent, good for you! Now you need to also investigate the psychological side of the issue. In the Aneros WIKI we find :The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists is a not-for-profit, interdisciplinary professional organization. In addition to sexuality educators, sexuality counselors and sex therapists, AASECT members include physicians, nurses, social workers, psychologists, allied health professionals, clergy members, lawyers, sociologists, marriage and family counselors and therapists, family planning specialists and researchers, as well as students in relevant professional disciplines. These individuals share an interest in promoting understanding of human sexuality and healthy sexual behavior. You can write to them at P.O. Box 1960, Ashland, Virginia – 23005-1960 or visit their web site at for further information.
    Another web resource is The Sexual Health Network, dedicated to providing easy access to sexuality information, education, support, and other resources.
    Additionally, most colleges have a student health center, which is usually free for full time students, they would most likely have counseling services available there as well. I do hope you will take advantage of these resources to restore balance and re-enable satisfactory physical relationships in your life. It could be the most worthwhile step you take at this point.
  • Thanks Newguy,

    I've tried using my hands but it's very hard for her to get off from that. She isn't really a fan of oral although I would love to do that. Doesn't get off from clit stimulation just needs deep thrusting which makes me go faster than I can tie my shoes.

    I've tried edging for a while but it doesn't seem to help at all. I'm thinking that maybe instead of getting close I should just quit as soon as I start to feel the pressure/tension build up.

    My uncle who is an N.D. who has dedicated his life to science and health told me that if it's not a prostate problem (which we're soon to find out) it is a nuerological problem. Instead of experiencing sex, I'm having conceptual sex. Meaning, I'm getting caught up in the "idea" of sex rather than just experiencing it. I have what he referred to as a "rut" in my brain (a neuronal pathway) that I travel down when I start into sex instead of experiencing it. That triggers the ejaculation (during the first round of sex without orgasm). The way he says to heal this is to not ejaculate for a few months. The rut, when not used, will eventually dissolve. Then I can reintroduce myself to sex slowly and meditatively.

    I had this conversation with him a couple months ago but was so caught up in trying to resolve it NOW and please her NOW that I never took the time away from ejaculation. I guess now I can abstain from ejaculation as long as I need, SILVER LINING!

    ugh. I'm sure with time I will learn to love myself again. I actually have quite high self esteem in all other aspects of my life. I think I'm good looking, smart, athletic, very loving and emotionally developed. But then there's this ONE aspect to my life that makes me unlovable. With time I know this pain will fade and I'll hopefully learn to develop and integrate a new healthier sexual response.

    Thanks for the words Newguy, it may sound sad but you put time and thought into your response and as low as I'm feeling right now that alone made me feel a little better.
    Thank you
  • Thank you Rumel,

    I hadn't reloaded the page and seen your response until I'd finished mine.

    Thank you. I just want to be healthy, it's really hard not to be discouraged. I will check into the school counselor when I'm feeling a little better. Right now if I were to talk about it I'd just start bawling. I went to the ASECT site and all I see short of meeting with a counselor (not an option at this point in my life due to being a broke student) are books. I will definitely be looking for books to help me on my path and that's a great resource for finding them, but right now reading anything about sex would just make me feel sick inside.

    I know I'm more than worthy of love. I wish my body would just allow it. This is the second time I've lost someone I've loved due to PE.

    I'm going to do some meditation and then go for a run.

    Thank you so much, both of you, for your replies. It's helpful just to be able to communicate this and receive support and a direction.
    Thank you
  • Sorry to hear about your breakup, BMF....that sucks.

    [QUOTE=Buttmasterflex;92007]But then there's this ONE aspect to my life that makes me unlovable.

    But, I just have to disagree with you on this sentence from your post.

    PE does not make you "unlovable" (although it may seem like it right now). Whether you're capable of being loved has nothing to do with how the body-you-inherited works, any more than it depends on the clothes you wear or what car you drive. Did PE make a difference to this GF? Sounds like the answer is "yes". Does it make you unlovable to every potential GF in the world? Nope.

    So, is it possible that you could FEEL unlovable (right now), and yet still BE lovable? I think you already know the answer is "yes".

    That's my 2 cents...
  • Dear BMF,

    Just as this is not the place to get serious medical advice, it's not the place to get advice on medical issues with psychological components. And while you will certainly get commiseration and some expert advice, you deserve better. When I was doing my medical residency, when folks would come up to us and ask for an "instant consult," rather than asking for a full evaluation, we used to say "a curbside consult is a tombstone consult," because something is always missed on the speed and urgency of such an informal conversation.

    This deserves professional help, either with a psychologist or health professional skilled in sex therapy. You actually need and deserve this beyond the current situation, because it will not go away and will hang up any future relationships as well.

    So the advice is: go see a professional with expertise in this area. This is a serious issue and deserves your serious efforts. It will be a pain in the neck, and potentially hard and frustrating. But you deserve a better existence now and in the future. It will be worth it.

    Best regards,
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,492

    'cosmicmuffin' is absolutely correct, PE does not make you "unlovable" and anyone making that an issue of their love is misunderstanding the concept of unconditional love.[QUOTE=Buttmasterflex;92009]I will check into the school counselor when I'm feeling a little better. Right now if I were to talk about it I'd just start bawling. There is an old proverb which states "The eyes are the window to the soul." If that is true, then tears are the 'Windex' that allows the soul to see clearly again. The whole point of speaking with a counselor is to obtain that emotional release and begin the process of feeling better. As 'QuoVadis' recommends, please hasten the healing process by scheduling a meeting at your earliest convenience, what good would delaying accomplish?
  • Thank you guys. I have an appointment later this week to have a prostate exam and run labs on my semen, blood, and urine to see what's up with it if anything (due to my low income I get 75% of the cost waived)

    Now that I have a little more time (no GF) I will go in this week and see if we have a school counselor. I have to admit I'm pretty scared about this though. This town is SMALL and she and I are both in the same program and.... ugh, it's hard telling someone about your sexual incompetencies.

    About me not being unlovable, I don't know. If I had a GF that always orgasmed 30 seconds into sex and had to wait 15 minutes before I could try again and squeeze one off before she shut down again it would be really hard for me to feel intimate and connected and interested in having sex with her. I would wait it out for a while but after 6 months I would probably withdraw myself as well. So although I'm sure that it doesn't hands down 100% make me unlovable I think it does make it virtually impossible for someone to feel fulfilled with me. Oh, I forgot, unless of course they could get off by hand or oral. Which she cannot.

    I'm trying to not think about it so I can get my few hours of homework that's due tomorrow done. It's really hard. Thank you guys for the support. Thank you.
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,357

    i have never heard of prostate exams being related to PE. PE is the most common sexual issue for young guys. there are countless ways to approach it. in most cases it is simply TRAINING. there are tons of books out there. one that i like is ESO: Extended Sexual Orgasm by Brauer and Brauer.

    i do not agree with the folks here who are trying to medicalize this. it is possible it is a medical problem. but i would first try the approaches that so many guys in your situation have tried.

    about GFs dumping you because of this. if they really loved you they would help you with it. a good book, like the one i suggest, includes lots of exercises that involve your GF.

    keep us posted.

  • Thanks Darwin, I will keep that book in mind and order it once I feel healthy enough to read something like that and not feel sick.

    About being young and prostate problems. There were a few years where I ate nothing but fast food, microwavables, and boxed pizza. Further, I was force feeding myself that crap because I was lifting and trying to gain weight. During this time I started feeling something that could be described as a fluttering or a gurgling in my prostate region and I started getting some semen discharge when I pooped. Not pleasurable, not painful but milky stuff completely the same consistency and color as ejaculate, but only a few drops. During some labs my uncle ran a few years ago (never tested semen) he said that my prostate was overstressed.
    The strange thing is that extensive prostate milking doesn't usually return the discharge that pooping does so effortlessly, and Aneros never has. I don't know what's going on. I'm sure there are practices I could do but I also think that there's a high likelihood there is something medical going on here.