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Aneros brings lies and selfish bedtime practices
  • I am very unhappy with my partner's use of the aneros. At first, I was supportive but the longer he uses it, the more lazy he is in bed. When I told him about my unhappiness, he just retreated further into aneros only masturbation. Sex became non-existent. When I asked him about it and said I wasn't happy with lack of sex, he said he wouldn't use the aneros unless I said ok. He is now lying about using it. It has brought me to the point that I sometimes think about separating. I know we all will masturbate but it shouldn't be to the exclusion of no intercourse because the aneros is more fun. Truly, the aneros was supposed to enhance his sex life in general and ultimately with me. Now the aneros is his sex life. I believe these sex toys can destroy a marriage.
  • B MayfieldB Mayfield
    Posts: 2,077
    Bostonbabe,

    I’m deeply sorry to hear that you’re experiencing this kind of distress in your relationship with your partner. The fact is, while Onanism is undoubtedly the subject of many threads in the Aneros forum, most partnered men here are indeed interested in integrating their Aneros use and new found multi-orgasmic skills into sessions with a significant other. There are dozens upon dozens of threads devoted to this topic. Furthermore, the forum is full of posts and testimonials from delighted Aneros users and their partners that attest to a true revitalization in their encounters together. Again, I'm sorry that this hasn't worked out for you in this way. But just to be clear, pieces of plastic do not, in and of themselves “bring (promote) lies and selfish bedtime practices” Behaviors like these occur as a direct result of choices being made by an individual. I would think a deeper conversation with your partner is in order to explore what’s really going on. Perhaps a counselor might be helpful in this regard as well. While I’m not trying to discourage your comments here, I would respectfully submit to you that the answers you seek ultimately lie elsewhere.



    BF Mayfield
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,252
    Hello BOSTON BABE,

    I too am sorry to hear of the situation in which you find yourself. As I and many others have frequently noted in postings, use of the Aneros massagers can become a troubling habit or even addiction for some men. You may or may not have been a contributor leading to this situation but you can certainly be a contributor to helping resolve the difficulty that has been created. This is a psychological condition that needs to be worked through, open communication as to how both of you can receive pleasure from each other is the critical issue here, not Aneros use. If there is an unsatisfying sexual aspect to your relationship it isn't the Aneros causing it, his behavior and usage is symptomatic of deeper emotional conditions. The condition of your partners self absorption probably existed prior to his Aneros use.

    It sounds like this has reached a critical juncture from your point of view, as such I agree with 'B Mayfield' that professional counseling for couples may be warranted here. Please read the Getting Help section of the WIKI.
  • Yikes.
    I would advise that he start conserving semen during intercourse.
    My guess is that he thinks that ejaculation is draining his sexual energy and wants to save that sexual energy for aneros sessions.
    The great thing about not ejaculating during intercourse is that you can go as long as you and your partner want.
    Bishop
  • tokertoker
    Posts: 128
    sorry to disagree but i would just tell him to get a grip i dont think he would like it if you spent hours plesuring yourself with a sex toy and took no notice of him for me it has brought my wife and i closer together its boosted my sex drive and gave me greater control over ejaculation all of which my wife takes advantage of and the idea of me using it now and again is a turn on for her and she likes the idea of the health benefits. the aneros should be an addaition to a conventional sexual relationship with your partner not a replacement
  • sydsg
    Posts: 8
    hey mate, sorry to hear about your situation. It is possible that there are some underlyign issues between you and your partner, but also the aneros might just be the issue. you chould have a chat with him, and if he likes it so much, intergrade into your sex life, its all about being in the zone where two ppl can operate .. right?.. good luck ...
  • 1. This is probably fake
    2. If this is real then there is probably something else wrong in the relationship and he uses the aneros as an excuse or an escape.
  • xhepera
    Posts: 48
    [QUOTE=New111111a;85286]1. This is probably fake
    2. If this is real then there is probably something else wrong in the relationship and he uses the aneros as an excuse or an escape.

    I will give the benefit of the doubt and reserve judgment on whether or not this is a legit post or just another anti-Aneros troll. But, that being said, I think you're spot on in saying that this alleged fixation on the Aneros to the exclusion of the partner is indicative of deeper problems in the relationship. The Aneros isn't causing this. . .the Aneros is allowing him to act out what he either can't or won't voice. Be glad it's not hookers. I'd advise counseling.
  • rookrook
    Posts: 1,602
    Now in my fifth decade of the game I'd offer:

    A marriage is like a table supported (hopefully) by more than two legs. The legs have labels like... spirituality, hobbies, sensuality, finances, children, extended families, fishing, hunting, quilting, sex, etc.

    Generally, if there are plenty of legs and more than two are shared rather than individual, the table is stable. Add a single leg, longer than the others and the table goes on tilt.

    Solution is to place things in balance. Sometimes that's through growth of the shorter legs to match the new one. When a couple can't do that on their own, getting some outside help may help.

    Sawing off the new/long leg will also level the table; but, at the expense of some recrimination.

    A specific suggestion -- find a compatible time for both sex with the Aneros and for solo sessions. Very early morning works for us. hth, rook


  • This was a legit post. I haven't had time to check back. Yes, my partner has been selfish in the past but 3-4 years ago when he stumbled onto the aneros, we integrated it into our sex life. I never had a problem with it as long as my needs were being met. As a matter of fact, I was glad he found something so enjoyable. I am not anal phobic. I enjoyed the peridise until he became so selfish. At first, I thought he was afraid of losing his erection during sex as I would do prostate massage for him or he would use the aneros. So, I didn't worry about his lack of attention in my arena. I thought it would pass when he felt confident he wouldn't lose his erection. It's been 2 years now. I am only seeing him become more and more selfish when we are together. I have spoken up, not condemning, but encouraging him in being both mutually giving and receiving. He isn't hearing me obviously. I don't want to come out and tell him he has turned into a selfish lover as that can be like telling him he is a bad lover. I don't want him to have doubts about himself. I've told him I don't mind him using the aneros if we are having plenty of sex. He said fine that he won't use it unless I agree. Then, he proceeded to use it even though he said he wouldn't unless I agreed. That is the lies I am talking about. When somone lies about something sexual when we have always been open about this subject, I get uncomfortable. Counseling is out of the question as he would never go. I am confused how someone who used to be an amazing lover could morph into a selfish, boring lover. As for the person who said at least it isn't a hooker. You obviously haven't been in a great relationship. We have been married over 30 years and have always had a good relationship, until he began using the aneros. We still have a great relationship except for his obsession with the aneros and selfishness in bed. However, sex has always been important to me and lying doesn't fly with me either. Like I sid, take away the selfishness and obsession and lying, and I don't have a problem with the aneros.
  • Ask him what it is about that Aneros that makes him prefer that to you. I know the answer may seem obvious, the intense prostate pleasure, but then after his response, remind him that contact with a flesh and blood human being who cares deeply for him has its pleasures too. The Aneros may be great at allowing some men to open themselves up to sexual pleasure more, but that is no longer an issue with your man. He seems to have enough of that. I think you started out with the greatest of intentions in letting him use his Aneros during your lovemaking, but that too has been taken advantage of, from the account given. It seems to me that if he gets less than optimal stimulation, meaning the Super-O from the Aneros, that he just isn't pleased. Well, as you said, you're not pleased either. I'm sure you could try a tit-for-tat method, such as you getting a rabbit vibrator, or better yet charing a Sybian to his credit card, but that isn't solving the issue either. The issue is that quite frankly you want to be with the man you love and enjoy him while he enjoys you.

    There are two tactics I can think of. And please keep in mind this is just my humble opinion. You can try the Brewster's Millions approach. Just give him free and total reign, or better yet force him, to use his Aneros so much that he gets sick of it and wants to go back to you. I don't like that idea much myself. The ideal would be him feeling like he has some freedom to use it occasionally, and you getting your satisfaction as well, which I assume to be spending time with him and feeling close to him as well as the physical act of sex and the sensations of pleasure from that.

    However, you said you've tried that. He can use it sometimes as long as you're getting your together time enough. And that's not happening.

    I think the bottom line is that you've given and inch and he's taking three years. So, maybe this is where we can try the other option I was thinking.

    Let him know plainly, but as kindly as possible, that he's clearly taken advantage of the parameters that you've set up. He's been shady. He's lied. I'm not going to say that he's technically "cheating" or anything. That's a gray area here. However, lying and trying to mask actions, especially after knowing full well how you'd react and how upset/unhappy this would make you clearly violates the terms that you expressed and deemed as a safety net for you. It's like my girlfriend and I both agreed that cyber chat or web camming is cheating in our relationship. It's the rules that you two have agreed to that make the circumstances. So, let him know that he's gone beyond what you both said were the rules, the boundaries as it were. Now, you say he's obsessed. I wouldn't yank the Aneros cold turkey on him. Suggest a titration period. Ween him off slowly. Let him remember why he's with you. Let him remember how enjoyable sex can be. There is a big difference between seeking pleasure for pleasure, and sharing pleasure with another. It seems he's blurred the line or just forgotten about it altogether. Some people have a gambling problem. Some people over eat. It seems he's overstimulating at a rate that might not be the healthiest. You're obviously not ready to give up or you wouldn't be here talking about this and also being open to the advice given. You could have left your first post as a blast against Aneros and be done with it, damn be the consequences. But I think you're also looking for some advice. If not, then just ignore my words. I leave them for you to use how you will.

    The facts are this:

    You were open to the idea of him using the Aneros. He used it. You even tried a product. He still used his. You even tried incorporating the product into your lovemaking. He still used it. You've made your concerns clear. He still used it. You've told him that while he listened to your concerns, he was ignoring them, so now more stricter parameters must be made. He still used it.

    Quite honestly, you say you don't want him to feel bad, hun, how is he making you feel right now? You're right, this isn't about Aneros, it's about him. There's nothing wrong in calling a red tool shed a red tool shed. So, why not call a liar a liar? Will he not like it? Sure. He'll probably get mad. Is it the truth? If what you said is true, sure it is.

    I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully he regains his senses some and realizes what a wonderful woman he has. You gotta be if you're willing to go this far to be with him.
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,252
    BOSTON BABE,

    I am not a psychologist, so you can take the following with a grain of salt. It seems to me your husband may be exhibiting aspects of OCD. If that is the case then blaming the Aneros for the present situation is like blaming a bar of soap for compulsive hand washing. I get the feeling there are some deeper psychological issues here in the relationship.

    You obviously know your husband better than any of us here on the Forum, so your comment - Counseling is out of the question as he would never go.” suggests rigid thought patterns and an unwillingness to consider alternative behavior patterns. The use of the Aneros may be, as suggested by 'New111111a', an escapist behavior pattern to avoid dealing with some other anxiety issues.

    I find it interesting, whether you realize or not, you have made approval of his Aneros usage conditional upon his satisfying you with your statement - “I've told him I don't mind him using the aneros if we are having plenty of sex.” (emphasis mine). It seems to me this is indicative of a control /dominance behavior on your part. I don't know if this has been a typical pattern in your years of marriage prior to Aneros use or not. I also found your statement “I enjoyed the peridise until he became so selfish.” rather curious, how does his behavior affect your ability to have pleasure? If your personal use of the Peridise was pleasurable before what physical changes have occurred to change that? I am not being judgmental here just making some observations.

    Given the scenario you have described, I seriously doubt having your husband cease use of the Aneros will help your relationship. He may resent your trying to exert control over or deny an experience he obviously enjoys. His lying about its usage is to avoid a confrontation with you for indulging himself without your permission. Is there a solution to your relationship issues? Yes, I believe there is but it won't take place on the pages of this Forum. It is going to take some thoughtful discussion between the two of you to find the causes of the underlying dissatisfaction and work through to a solution. I am fairly confident a simple piece of plastic is not the problem here.
  • Hello,

    As previously mentioned when we try to control our partners we create barriers in the relationship.

    Sex, should never be used as a means for negotiating relationship problems.Once, you start using sex this way you begin to develop problems in the bedroom.

    Rather, calm, honest and open communication will promote a better relationship.Try to build on things you both enjoy. Realize, that as a partner we cannot fill every single need of our mate. Consider this point.

    Some women get very little stimulation from intercourse, but with additional stimulation solo or
    with their partner have fulfilling orgasms. So, if a woman stimulates herself does this indicate selfishness
    on her part? Hardly, she probably still enjoys intercourse with her partner, but her body needs a different
    type of stimulation for her fulfillment. She may incorporate this into her sexual relationship with her partner, if he is a agreeable. If this is true for woman could it be true for men?

    Prostate massage provides a different type of stimulation for a man than intercourse. Using the Aneros
    helps your husband to maintain healthy sexuality.

    Additionally, prostate massage does not stifle intercourse, many men want intercourse with their partner
    after a prostate massage. The aneros can have a viagra affect on a man.

    So, your problem is probably not the Aneros, but most likely is rooted in your relationship with your husband.

    Many people in marriage understand so little about sexuality and relationships and this type of problem
    is very common.

    Health Positive
    http://www.healthysensus.com
  • B MayfieldB Mayfield
    Posts: 2,077
    Bostonbabe,

    You've received a great many responses from our membership that seem to point in one direction; creating better communication with your partner, be it on your own, with a counselor or perhaps with a spiritual advisor. Again, I do wish you the best with this. If there is love in your relationship there should be a way of facilitating better understanding between you two.

    As an aside, I'm curious how you came to find us here. Had your partner told you about the forum and discussed his participation here? If so, have you read any of his posts?

    BF Mayfield
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,193
    everybody-

    i again want to offer my different view. again, i will say that we *rarely* hear from spouses/partners about their perspective on our use of the aneros.

    many of us here have described what amounts to addictive behavior with the device. or staying up half the night. i have a feeling that if spouses had more access to this forum we might hear more views like bostonbabe's. of course we would also here views from spouses praising the aneros.

    sure this couple has some work to do. but many many couples do. i think there is merit in sometimes blaming the weapon. for example, that is the whole idea behind gun control (to pick a "loaded" topic!). the point is that some situations worsen because of the availability of some kind of device, technology or substance.

    so i respectfully differ with the chorus of responses that suggest that bostonbabe and/or her husband have almost pathological issues. i do think that in the case of this couple, the aneros is possibly making trouble where there may not have been any in the past, and it would not surprise me if this is more common than is suggested by the posts on this forum.

    darwin
  • MarkM
    Posts: 33
    Darwin,

    I know that you’re one of the venerable contributors to this forum, but I must respectfully disagree with your suggestion that the Aneros created this difficulty between these two people. That seems like a cop-out to me, the kind of thing that one says when they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. The analogy between the Aneros and a weapon is quite a reach as well. The most probable scenario here is that the Aneros helped this man discover a new sexual potential within himself and that he's been unable to put it into proper perspective in his relationship.

    Are there “pathological” problems here? I doubt it. On the idea of this product actually producing some "addiction", I know that some here have made this reference in a more light-hearted way from time to time. With respect to a more serious interpretation of addiction I would say that this is more a result of the personality of the individual as opposed to some dark side effect associated with Aneros use. That is to say, there are some people that will fixate on anything (addictive personalites), particularly those things where there is some pleasure involved. Bostonbabe has indicated that her partner would not even consider seeing a therapist; surely the Aneros isn’t responsible for that too? No. Again, there's some pre-existing stuff here. These good people have some problems to work through. As one user already said, this is a man making choices and some (I,d say) are bad ones. In the end it must be remembered that these are adults, not children. And the Aneros is an erotic device, no more, no less.


    Mark M
  • Thank you to all for your insights! Believe it or not, reading all you have said has "set me free". I can not make him be more giving in our sex life. But I can stop trying to control the situation. The aneros is not inherently bad. The laziness that is shown by my husband is his problem. I have never been lazy when it comes to sex. As soon as he found this forum, I read it too. Even before he found this forum and the aneros, I was the one who during foreplay felt the urge to massage his prostate. He quickly found out what YOU MEN HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG, MASSAGING THE PROSTATE BRINGS GREAT PLEASURE. I have read many of your posts to learn more about how to pleasure my husband. There is nothing more sexually exciting than to see your spouse moaning with pleasure for hours because of something you are doing to bring him sexual pleasure. I just want some reciprocity. I fully understand the pleasure one can find in anal and perineal pleasure. I fully enjoy the peridise. I quit using it as it reminded me of the lack of reciprocity I was receiving with my husband. However, after reading the above posts, I see I was just hurting myself. No More! Truly, thank you for your non-judgmental insights. I know this forum has been primarily for men. However, I would like to see more ideas where the use of the aneros and peridise in a sexual interlude could be used. Just a thought. I'll check back later. Got to go to bed.
  • B MayfieldB Mayfield
    Posts: 2,077
    Bostonbabe,

    I'm so glad that you've found something helpful here in this forum. You sound like a terrific and caring lady and a very generous partner. I suspect that this man, that you so obviously care for has temporarily lost his focus. I trust that he will regain it very soon. If he still follows the goings on here you might mention to him that I said that this place is filled full of guys that would give their eye teeth to have a woman like you in their lives! Once again, if there are other issues that are underpinning this in some way get them dealt with. And if he won't go to therapy, you might consider doing some sessions yourself. It's great having someone to bounce this kind of thing off of in a one-on-one setting.

    I must add that I was delighted to hear that you're a fan of the Peridise! Yes, indeed, I say you should revisit it without further delay and enjoy yourself! With respect to the female perspective, there are a small group of women who post from time to time. We have a sticky thread that can be viewed at the top of the Forum entitled " A Wife's Perspective" which is an archive of posts of many of our female contributors over the last several years. In addition, check out the posts of Lynn2694 a lady who was quite involved here last year. http://www.aneros.com/forum/f5/woman-peridise-12952. Lynn was a big fan of the Peridise! You might also consider posting some of your own couples suggestions, I know that they'd be much appreciated by everyone.

    All the best,

    BF Mayfield
  • OH!!
    Posts: 260
    Hi BostonBabe,

    You attract more flies with honey, than vinegar. My point, try and be a positive force in your relationship. Make sure you do everything to maintain your looks, figure, etc. Dress nicely - if not provocative around your husband. Flirt, tease, and make him feel special. Remind him why he loves you and married you. Establish productive and open communication. Ideally marriage between two is about each sharing themselves and life together. You might consider Tantra / kama sutra positions because they are very intimate and the spirituality deals with the concept of life force and energies being shared between two. I don't necessarily believe in the entire concept completely but there seems to be something true and very good about two lovers sharing themselves and pleasure together - each focused on the others pleasure.

    No doubt the Aneros is a distraction. It certainly can pacify, and relieve stress in guys. From experience though, there is only so much a person can do alone - even with intense pleasure before they get bored. Almost certainly his desire for you is still there, but perhaps sleeping at times. He probably needs to learn to not use it all the time, but as most things in life achieve balance. The Aneros is good at stimulating pleasurable feelings, but doesn't do anything in regards to providing fulfillment of desire of the opposite sex (IMO). He may need you to "encourage" him and help keep him balanced; however this is probably better done indirectly as if it is his idea.

    Relationships can be complicated. Make sure there are no 'issues' outstanding between you. Sometimes...perhaps over a glass of wine or champagne (even beer) you might discuss your ideas of intimacy, togetherness, and how two people can be as one and share the pleasure of each other in a reciprocal edifying way. No doubt if you've been married as long as you have...then you are already best friends. Be a best friend and encourage and love.

    Just my 2 cents... Best of luck.
  • zanebluezaneblue
    Posts: 224
    I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.
  • MarkM
    Posts: 33
    [QUOTE=zaneblue;85844]I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.

    While I believe that Zane's response may be over simplifying it just a bit, I do agree that OH! has put far too much of the onus on Bostonbabe in his response. Of course we're all a bunch of arm chair therapists around here anyway. The fact is we only know one side of this story, the Aneros user has never been identified and we've never heard from him. But from what has been presented, it isn't up to one person to make this situation work, it's a two way street. If this does end up being about a guy who is an unrepentant selfish boor, then it's up to Bostonbabe to identify it and perhaps move on and find someone else who will be more appreciative of her.

    MarkM
  • I can relate to this maybe this bloke is simply a bit like "YOU JUST CANT LEAVE THE DAMN THING ALONE MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY"
    once the aneros has you hooked you are hooked for good it is like it has become part of you and you cannot simply live another day without
    it because it feels sooo good to use it good i hope this bloke doesnt end up injuring himself like i have, well thats because i am an idiot which is
    a different matter altogether i am glad she has gotton over the problem now, but i think her husband should get off his lazy backside and be a bit
    more loving, and just be like an animal on heat isnt that what all women want their partners husbands to be a willing eager to please sex starved horny animal, or something like that anyway.

    Pity on me
  • OH!!
    Posts: 260
    [QUOTE=zaneblue;85844]I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.

    My point here - or at least one of them, is that there is likely other issues with the attraction / relationship. I am fully aware of the capabilities of the Aneros - believe me, and that would not be the only reason these two aren't having sex. As much as we would like to be selfish and pretend it isn't a two way street in reality it is. Both have to give and bring something to the relationship. When one fails on their end likely the other will fail in perhaps another way on theirs. If the gal was enticing her mate there would be no issue. Too often, too many get married and then think the work of relationship building and bonding is over and they no longer have to maintain their appearance for the partner. It's the idea that you are off the market so why bother looking nice. "If they truly love me, they will love me however I look". To some degree that is true, but none of us should take advantage of it, and take our partners feelings for granted. In a truly monogamous relationship all either person has in a sexual relationship is each other. If one partner decides to let it all go to *&*& then the other partner is a bit ripped off. They then take issue with it and and perhaps foster an inner resentment. If that is what is happening in this case then my opinion is the last thing the guy needs is his wife nagging at him. That will just make it worse. I stick with my original recommendation which is always a good recommendation no matter what situation the relationship is in. I have the same recommendation for the guy too. He should treat her the same way. Other than that, I'd say he either is or turned gay, or perhaps he has low testosterone.
  • Korkelz
    Posts: 294
    As much as it sucks to be a victim of selfishness, you need to think of what you might not be doing for him that he might want and not be telling you. Ask him "What can I change about myself, what can I do to serve you better?" Really try to get that out of him if there might be even the smallest thing that he wants but is not telling you.
  • OptimusOptimus
    Posts: 25
    [QUOTE=BOSTON BABE;85225]I am very unhappy with my partner's use of the aneros. At first, I was supportive but the longer he uses it, the more lazy he is in bed. When I told him about my unhappiness, he just retreated further into aneros only masturbation. Sex became non-existent. When I asked him about it and said I wasn't happy with lack of sex, he said he wouldn't use the aneros unless I said ok. He is now lying about using it. It has brought me to the point that I sometimes think about separating. I know we all will masturbate but it shouldn't be to the exclusion of no intercourse because the aneros is more fun. Truly, the aneros was supposed to enhance his sex life in general and ultimately with me. Now the aneros is his sex life. I believe these sex toys can destroy a marriage.

    To paraphrase gun people (and I don't even own one), "guns dont kill people, people kill people". Isn't it counter-productive to blame these issues on an object?

    What is your hubby's background? Has he ever had obsessive problems with drugs, alcohol, specific foods, etc. in the past? Does he have any history of depression, character disorders, etc. in his past? I can't help but feel that there is a hidden problem here.

    Not that I would recommend sending him to a shrink right off the bat. Sometimes problems with OCD-like behaviors have biological causes. For instance, shrinks will sometimes prescribe anti-psychotic drugs to patients, when their problem is really an endocrine system disorder. Has your hubby had a workup lately? Has he had any environmental exposures, or does he use junk foods like hybridized gluten, GMO soy, HFCS, etc.? Has he ever had any adrenal or thyroid testing?

    If his biological health is OK ... you might want to think about narcissism. I believe it is one of the character disorders described in the DSM.
  • pnomanpnoman
    Posts: 145
    BOSTON BABE-

    I'm on the other side of this coin. I totally know how your husband feels.

    I just posted this thread:

    http://www.aneros.com/forum/f5/hi-my-name-im-aneros-holic-14489/
  • XIII
    Posts: 6
    [QUOTE=zaneblue;85844]I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.

    Indeed, but is selfishness the root cause?

    His use of the aneros could very well have led to a sexual frustration in the relationship. This sexual frustration can lead into communication breakdowns, and frustration in daily life, as aneros play is generally a large span of time that cannot be used for much else but aneros time.

    I doubt this is the root cause of the entire issue.

    Being married to one person for 30 years is difficult to say the least. I couldn't make 3 years (but I had the wrong person), and you have to make it work for you. It sounds to me like you THINK you have spoken to him on the matter, but that you haven't quite gotten through that thick plating around the brain us males develop. Don't restrict him from the aneros. This will cause more problems. Instead try to work backwards toward the root cause.

    Your frustration sounds more like you want an honest, open avenue of communication and understanding. Carefully confront him, and start with the communication problems. Then work backwards to the amount of time he is laying around with his mistress. Then work backwards to your lack of sexual gratification. Then work to what caused this mess. The entire time you are going to have to be understanding, forgiving, and you are going to have to make certain that he is aware that this is not just his burden. You are going to have to offer to share the burden. You are going to have to make sacrifices to make sure he is aware that you are involved in fixing this as well.

    Whatever you do, do not let him see you get angry. Do not let him hear you yell. Do not let yourself cry about any of this. These emotions just harden us men against whatever you have to say. We stop listening once you turn the conversation into an emotional one. Think logically, and express rational, quantative points. If you just tell him about how you FEEL, and can't back it up with numbers and incidents, you aren't going to get anywhere with this.

    The communication thing is going to be the first hurdle, and the hardest to solve. You have to be careful, you have to make certain not to offend him, and swallow the unfair burden of being offended and feeling like you are valuing him more than he values you. But you are going to have to do it. Otherwise, you run the risk of having him either lie to you to make you leave the issue alone, or offend him and have him take everything you say as a personal insult.

    The next step is going to be the laying around. Try getting him off his back every now and again to do something with you, take a walk, just sit and watch a movie, cuddle, go out to dinner, etc. Don't blatantly interrupt him, but if you feel jealous of the plastic toy, you are going to have to be more mature than he is being, and actually do some marriage maintenance. Get him away from it. If he tells you he doesn't want to, start trying to make suggestions at a longer time frame. Try suggesting things that he might find fun, and will not necessarily cut into his aneros time, but will give the two of you time alone to talk and to just be friends for a while. If he keeps saying no, do not get frustrated. Don't badger him, or harp on him. Just keep trying. Start making plans that he can't say no to. Dinner reservations, movie tickets, and be sure to space these things out at first, and eventually increase the pace until you are both satisfied with your alone time. The real kicker to this step, is that you are going to have to stray away from the subject of sex for a while. Step 3 is about sex, don't show your hand by bringing up your sex life, or complaining about the aneros.

    Step 3 involves fixing the sex issue. If he still insists on using his aneros, try getting involved. Massage him, then ask him to massage you. Sit on the man's face if you have to. Be aggressive, be spontaneous, be open to new things, try talking to him about fantasies, and get involved in new and fun situations. Spice it up! You need to remember that you aren't rewarding him with sex, you are getting what YOU want by making a compromise. Eventually, the man's going to get into the rhythm and be excited by you in ways that the aneros can't. While you may not be able to beat the super-O in pleasure, you can definitely beat it in other ways that are far superior.

    Once you have the symptoms of that problem solved, you need to start trying to talk to him calmly about what happened over the last two years. Don't get offended by his answer. An honest answer is never wrong.

    I know it seems like I'm siding with the man on this one, but I know what I'm talking about here. You don't want any more lasting scars in the relationship here. And to whomever suggested the "tit for tat", and other such childish shows of wrath and vengeance, shame on you. These sorts of childish actions break relationships beyond repair, and do nothing but demean both parties, obscuring communication and adding more fuel to both fires.

    You are going to have to keep this up, and get him in on the maintenance as this goes on longer and longer. You can't pander to him, making him feel like you are treating him like a king, but don't expect to be treated like a queen either. Insist that he take the reins every now and again, make plans, take you out places, and occasionally try to get into your fantasies as well.

    Relationships are give and take, but whoever said they are all bad if the give and take isn't equal and fair is an idealist moron. As long as giving makes you happy, give, and as long as taking doesn't make the other unhappy, take. If you are tallying up who does more in a relationship, chances are, you are already unhappy, and should rethink why you are in that relationship.

    Being married requires you to be a friend before being a lover. Friends enjoy each others' company, and are willing to give everything to each other without expectation of return.

    Good luck, and hang in there. Don't let yourself get frustrated. And if you ever need any advice, I'm sure there are a fair few other websites out there that can offer you adequate support, and I'm always around. I like helping people, and I'd like to think I'm good at it with how often I do so.
  • HelixerHelixer
    Posts: 566
    I can completely understand your husband. Penile stimulation is very monotoneous compared to anal. I understand Chia Mantak has written on how to experience amazing multiorgasmic orgasms the 'traditional'way, so maybe I'm speaking prematurely, it would certainly add color to an activity that is otherwise more or less always the same kind of sensation. Now, with the Aneros, everytime I use it it's different. My rectum isn't a galaxy, but it sure feels that way sometimes. Sometimes you stumble on to a place that completely blows you away, perhaps visited before, but the sensation's all new, just when you think the pleasure couldn't get any better...every day a new discovery.

    It's amazing really, what lengths men go to 'get pussy', when the Aneros is so much better.
    As Brian Mayfield wrote why take coach when you can fly first class with Aneros, heil Aneros!