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With apologies
  • So, my parents binged one of my emails and it came up in this forum (strangely it doesn't come up in google) and freaked out.

    Started asking "How can you associate in such a seedy place?" "What if one of these guys talks to you wants sex and wants fly up and visit you?"

    It got my blood boiling and I tried to explain that I wasn't interested in meeting the people just trying to learn about my body.

    They think I have a sex addiction, I'm looking at the "Behaviours Associated with Sexual Addiction" now and the only two I could see as plausible are Compulsive Masturbation and Consistent Use of Pornography. I don't think once a day masturbation (with the aneros) is too much for people my age (early twenties) and who doesn't use pornography to masturbate ffs?

    I still have healthy relationships with friends and family, I'm going to start dating a girl when she returns from a trip in a few weeks, I have a job and I go to school.

    I probably don't communicate with them enough which lead to them doing this and its something I'm trying to correct, but ffs this is something thats very private. I'm certainly not going to be talking about this with stuff with them.

    Now they want me to go see a therapist and I'm wondering if its worth doing just to get them off my back.

    To get them to calm down I promised I wouldn't post anymore, so consider this my last post for awhile, at least until they start to understand.
  • nurselady
    Posts: 77
    Hang in there. I feel I can reply on this one from several levels. Quite some time ago, I came to this site in search of something to help in my own marriage... However, he just wasn't open to anything in this arena. It was a desperate move on my part to save a marriage. (Didn't work and now we are in the center of a nasty divorce... very long story.)

    As a nurse, perhaps I am a bit more open and understanding? I would have to say that one's sexual preferences are private. What works for one may be different for another. Also, this site has been the furthest from a "seedy" spot on the internet. I posted in this forum months ago for a neighbor man who suffered from paraplegia and had a horrendous sex life that I would say was barbaric. Now, with the thanks of Aneros and some advice from well meaning individuals, they are able to have a productive sex life and enjoy each other. So.. I would disagree completely with your parents. As well, there are men in this forum that are very normal, caring and everyday people.

    Give your parents some time. I'm not sure of their background? But, this may have been a bit of a shocker for them. I remember the first time I found condoms in my son's room... that was a shocker for me. As a mom or parent... we often think of our older children as still yet kids. (Yes, I have a twenty year old, myself.)

    Nothing you have written points towards a sexual addiction. I think understanding yourself and your own needs are very important. So, hang in there... I'm sure some of the men will post other ideas for you before the day is over.... In the future; delete your history.
    Nurselady
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,265
    (Note : Underlined Text is a Hyper-Link)
    whatsitallabout,

    You are not the first man to face this dilemma of expressing your own desires while being subjected to the misguided judgmental attitude of others. There are numerous threads on this Forum dealing with homophobic over-reactionaries. Here is just one of them for you to read ”dificult to keep going”. I do hope you will continue in your steadfast learning about your own body and your right to use it as you see fit.

    As far as sexual addition, you behavior sounds like a pretty typical young male. If meeting with a therapist will placate the parents then I can see it also helping them when you inform them the therapist also finds your behavior perfectly normal and healthy.

    I also hope you rescind your promise of non-posting, this is a free speech issue and your parents have no right to censor you for perfectly healthy thoughts and behaviors that affect no one but you. If anyone has a right to be disturbed, it is YOU, for their intrusion into your private communications. Such snooping is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unjustified and perhaps even illegal.
  • newbie2009newbie2009
    Posts: 267
    Here's more counsel for meeting with the therapist -- perhaps a therapist of your parents choosing, mainly for "appearance" purposes. However, seek a more independent therapist if you find yourself entangled in some mantra of fundamentalism and the proposed therapist comes from that sect. I'm not against sects, just the limited choices that they sometimes provide. ...not big on exorcisms either.

    Remember that your communications with the therapist are protected. The therapist will enforce patient confidentiality unless you specifically sign-off on disclosure. Your parents do have a right to communicate to the therapist along a one-way path.

    I'd counsel in favor of 'no disclosure' at the outset of therapy. (If questioned, answer, "I love you both; but, starting out, I have established non-disclosure of my sessions as a personal boundary.")

    Please employ the session(s) in your favor. (set the objectives) Seek from the therapist the things you want, not what others want. That said, consider gaining these things from the therapist:

    -- Short term coping skills (to make the situation livable and to 'normalize' comms.)
    -- Assertiveness skills (to express yourself in terms and ways that do not trigger angry responses)
    -- Improvement in two-way communications to engender mutual respect and individual development within the family unit.
    -- Finally, the setting of boundaries -- yours, not anyone else's. Before you attempt this, refine your
    assertiveness skills. Then lean on the therapist for assistance. Google for: < Setting Boundaries Appropriately >

    Hope this helps -- You've got a cheering section here. Please stay in touch. Posts will work... from the library computer if need-be. (often enough so that this thread stays active--if you have nothing new to add, just make a blank post.)

    signed: happily married (>45 yrs) guy, monogamous entrenched heterosexual grandfather, taichi in the park on Saturday, Church on Sunday (well, most Sundays), so-so autocross competitor, pistol expert, occasional gymrat and 2-3 Aneros sessions a week. Then, there's the dark side -- Wii and DS freak! :D /end rant/ ... take care!
  • Now these are the types of responses that got me to visit these forums in the first place.

    Well as a general update I have managed to convince them that I'm not addicted and I'm not interested in meeting people here. I have also managed to convince them that its just akin to masturbation and that this forum is how I can relate to people as an anonymous person. I enjoy discussion of this subject without the types of over reactions that my parents display. I don't visit too often and I post even less. I also had to point out to them that no one has been hitting on me or asking to meet me and I'm not asking to meet them and that's just the way I like it.

    I've agreed to see a therapist to work on communication with my parents to ensure that we can keep open channels of communication and that barriers can be set.

    I'm considering showing them this thread to show how people can be, but I'm not sure it would be something they'd be willing to even read.

    nurselady said:

    Hang in there. I feel I can reply on this one from several levels. Quite some time ago, I came to this site in search of something to help in my own marriage... However, he just wasn't open to anything in this arena. It was a desperate move on my part to save a marriage. (Didn't work and now we are in the center of a nasty divorce... very long story.)

    As a nurse, perhaps I am a bit more open and understanding? I would have to say that one's sexual preferences are private. What works for one may be different for another. Also, this site has been the furthest from a "seedy" spot on the internet. I posted in this forum months ago for a neighbor man who suffered from paraplegia and had a horrendous sex life that I would say was barbaric. Now, with the thanks of Aneros and some advice from well meaning individuals, they are able to have a productive sex life and enjoy each other. So.. I would disagree completely with your parents. As well, there are men in this forum that are very normal, caring and everyday people.

    Give your parents some time. I'm not sure of their background? But, this may have been a bit of a shocker for them. I remember the first time I found condoms in my son's room... that was a shocker for me. As a mom or parent... we often think of our older children as still yet kids. (Yes, I have a twenty year old, myself.)

    Nothing you have written points towards a sexual addiction. I think understanding yourself and your own needs are very important. So, hang in there... I'm sure some of the men will post other ideas for you before the day is over.... In the future; delete your history.
    Nurselady



    Its good to hear that you have helped someone with such a problem with help from people here.

    I don't want to say too much about my parents for fear of revealing too much, lets just say they're not fundamentalists but they sure aren't hippies either.

    Yes, they explained the shocker element and it being their duty as parents to watch for any 'red flags'.

    Oh and it wasn't my history, I have my own computer and they can't use it, I used my email in a post and it came up in a search engine (bing), I went back and edited out, but the search engine still pulls it up, I guess cuz its in the cache? Do any mods know if its possible to clear that from the cache? Here' the post: http://www.aneros.com/forum/any-younger-guys-want-to-chat-t3181-15.html

    rumel said:

    whatsitallabout,

    You are not the first man to face this dilemma of expressing your own desires while being subjected to the misguided judgmental attitude of others. There are numerous threads on this Forum dealing with homophobic over-reactionaries. Here is just one of them for you to read ”dificult to keep going”. I do hope you will continue in your steadfast learning about your own body and your right to use it as you see fit.

    As far as sexual addition, you behavior sounds like a pretty typical young male. If meeting with a therapist will placate the parents then I can see it also helping them when you inform them the therapist also finds your behavior perfectly normal and healthy.

    I also hope you rescind your promise of non-posting, this is a free speech issue and your parents have no right to censor you for perfectly healthy thoughts and behaviors that affect no one but you. If anyone has a right to be disturbed, it is YOU, for their intrusion into your private communications. Such snooping is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unjustified and perhaps even illegal.



    I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I have promised to not correspond with people, I say posting on the forum is not correspondence, just nothing outside the forums is best.

    Yes they did mention that is was a violation of my privacy but they got scared and did it anyway, its funny how rights can quickly turn to privileges.

    That's what I hope to accomplish with the therapist. I certainly don't want this type of drama in the future.

    Here's more counsel for meeting with the therapist -- perhaps a therapist of your parents choosing, mainly for "appearance" purposes. However, seek a more independent therapist if you find yourself entangled in some mantra of fundamentalism and the proposed therapist comes from that sect. I'm not against sects, just the limited choices that they sometimes provide. ...not big on exorcisms either.

    Remember that your communications with the therapist are protected. The therapist will enforce patient confidentiality unless you specifically sign-off on disclosure. Your parents do have a right to communicate to the therapist along a one-way path.

    I'd counsel in favor of 'no disclosure' at the outset of therapy. (If questioned, answer, "I love you both; but, starting out, I have established non-disclosure of my sessions as a personal boundary.")

    Please employ the session(s) in your favor. (set the objectives) Seek from the therapist the things you want, not what others want. That said, consider gaining these things from the therapist:

    -- Short term coping skills (to make the situation livable and to 'normalize' comms.)
    -- Assertiveness skills (to express yourself in terms and ways that do not trigger angry responses)
    -- Improvement in two-way communications to engender mutual respect and individual development within the family unit.
    -- Finally, the setting of boundaries -- yours, not anyone else's. Before you attempt this, refine your
    assertiveness skills. Then lean on the therapist for assistance. Google for: < Setting Boundaries Appropriately >

    Hope this helps -- You've got a cheering section here. Please stay in touch. Posts will work... from the library computer if need-be. (often enough so that this thread stays active--if you have nothing new to add, just make a blank post.)

    signed: happily married (>45 yrs) guy, monogamous entrenched heterosexual grandfather, taichi in the park on Saturday, Church on Sunday (well, most Sundays), so-so autocross competitor, pistol expert, occasional gymrat and 2-3 Aneros sessions a week. Then, there's the dark side -- Wii and DS freak! Very Happy /end rant/ ... take care!



    Sounds like appropriate goals, thanks for the recommendations. I definitely need the boundaries set down about sex.

    I'm assertive as hell when it comes to what I can and can't do as far as masturbation goes, there's not a damn thing they can do to get me to change that, the trick is to get them to not be scared about what I do online, or at least trust me enough to know that I can handle myself and if I do have a problem I will ask for help.
  • Anon17564
    Posts: 57
    This is what I've been scared of, I'll be honest.

    It hardly needs to be said, but this forum is the nicest, least judgemental place I've found on the internet. It's just concerned with the maximum amount of happiness and pleasure for each of its users, it's not some twisted meet-up point for anal perverts or whatever it is your parents are scared of. I know it's already been said, but I felt it beared repeating.

    Good fortune to you.
  • GrandTiger
    Posts: 325
    Hello Whatsitallabout, it also sounds to me that your parents are hung up about masturbation anyway, which is typical of pseudo-Christian upbringing and yet has no Biblical foundation at all. I recommend the following website on this subject:

    www.boysunderattack.com

    which contains material for parents too.

    To teenage boys I would say:

    God's desire is for you to have joy and delight in this wonderful time of self discovery, and to be happy and fulfilled. So thank God for His awesome and pure gift. Do not let Satan make you feel dirty and guilty, which leads to frustration, misery, and depression.

    "I will praise You,
    for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    Marvelous are Your works,
    And that my soul knows very well." (Psalm 139:14)

    "If you abide in My word,
    you are My disciples indeed.
    And you shall know the truth,
    and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:31-32)

    Religion is a loathsome enemy that keeps people in bondage and ends in utter destruction. True Christianity, which is very rare, is not about religion at all but about a relationship with Christ. Share this with your parents.
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,196
    whatsitallabout-

    with all due respect, i think that it is your parents who need to see a therapist.

    they have violated your privacy, jumped to wild conclusions about you and showed a very primitive understanding of sexuality.

    finally, you mentioned that you are 20+ years old. You are an adult. your sexual practices are not their concern. i am a parent and i simply could not imagine doing what they are doing.

    your idea about seeing a therapist to improve communication is very open minded and mature. however, i do not believe it will be productive. the problem is not on your side, but on theirs. i agree with the voices here who are wary of any "therapist" they would suggest.

    with respect to addiction, you asked the right questions: is your sexual behavior seriously interfering with your ability to function in other pursuits? most guys your age are fixated on matters sexual. they think about it much of the time and exercise their genitals frequently. however they function fine. i suspect you are in that category.

    my suggestion is that you change your handle here so you can continue to post anonymously.

    you have learned your lesson about giving out your email address. i trust you know you can get an anonymous email account for example.

    at this point you are showing considerably more maturity than your parents. keep up the good work, and do not let them mess with your mind.

    darwin
  • darwin said:

    whatsitallabout-

    with all due respect, i think that it is your parents who need to see a therapist.

    they have violated your privacy, jumped to wild conclusions about you and showed a very primitive understanding of sexuality.

    finally, you mentioned that you are 20+ years old. You are an adult. your sexual practices are not their concern.



    This.

    You are indeed well over 18 and capable of making your own decisions. You have thus far displayed more maturity in handling this situation than your own parents have. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.
  • artformartform
    Posts: 1,488
    Hi whatsitallabout, Anon17564 and All

    Anon17564 said:

    This is what I've been scared of, I'll be honest.

    It hardly needs to be said, but this forum is the nicest, least judgemental place I've found on the internet. It's just concerned with the maximum amount of happiness and pleasure for each of its users, it's not some twisted meet-up point for anal perverts or whatever it is your parents are scared of. I know it's already been said, but I felt it beared repeating.

    Good fortune to you.



    whatsitallabout and Anon17564, and all young men, this is the concept-changing, paradigm-shifting that we all are all about here and it is a painful wrenching of complacently accepted "rules", "truths" from the imperfect human past as we move into a differently imperfect, but we hope better, human future.

    Here in this Aneros Oasis, we have this wonderful community we all celebrate, and though our individual journeys may be long and winding roads, it all seems like such a simple, honest, truth about being in the world in our male bodies, as nature built them for our survival, our thriving and ongoing development.

    As a man raised in Christian churches and traditions, on the personal spiritual journey too, I feel the common ground of the Golden Rule, the clear common creed of all of the major religions and many indigenous spiritual traditions and other belief systems and philosophies, as the core of our being together. GrandTiger, I share your point of view in your post here in many ways. At the same time my ecumenical journey has been so enriching and comparatively re-enforcing of many of the essentials for life, in other traditions such as Buddhism, Tao and others...


    more later, sorry called away...


    One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was the non-interference in any way with regard to anything sexual, after the general soft Christian (non-prescriptive, but rather celebratory) introduction book, and the trust they expressed in me by doing that. We have done the same with our sons, with the added explicit assurance that they have our love and trust in them as they matured sexually and into young adults and that we are available anytime they want to talk about anything.

    I am sure that you trust them to live their sexual lives the best they can without you having to be involved in the details, and that they can find themselves able to trust you to find your path and live your sexual life as best you can without them having to be involved in the details.

    This may provoke laughter but the reality point is clear I have no doubt.

    all the best guys with this dilemma and let's keep up this discussion as events unfold all

    artform
  • :wink: