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whats happening to me?
  • dmrdmr
    Posts: 11
    Hey,

    I have enjoyed my aneros toys for a few years now. I just finished a great session with my helix. I have finding myself in a state of confusion - sexually.

    I have been with my wife for almost 15 yrs and we have a great family together. Early on in our relationship I felt the desire to explore my bisexuality. I never followed through physically, but I did befriend a man who was willing to "teach me". After almost losing my marriage, I lost friendship and continued on with my marriage.

    Well, 4 yrs after that misstep, I find myself falling back. I guess alot of it has to with the fact that when I am in a session, I find my fantasies drifting back to that period in my life.

    I love my wife; and I guess I am thinking about hanging up my toys and focusing on my hetro side. Any one else have this problem?
  • tallguy
    Posts: 57
    Hi dmr

    I can relate. I have been dealing with the same "duality" all my life. I've been married for 20 years, and I almost lost my marriage 10 years ago during a period of exploration. I ceased the exploration several years ago and decided to focus on my hetero side, as well. I have been successful at doing so, and with the same satisfaction I'd found in the years just before and after my marriage. But I when I made that decision I fully understood, as I do now, that the "other side" was certainly not going away as a result. Rather, that side of me lives purely in a fantasy world which I enjoy but which cannot be shared with anyone else. I won't say "which unfortunately cannot be shared" or "which regrettably cannot be shared" because either of those words would imply I gave up something that was central to my life. It took me a while to figure out that sexuality, while a critical part of our being, is not the only part, and perhaps not the central part. So I was willing to recategorize and perhaps "mothball" a part of my sexuality in order to get on with a marriage and family life that was, in fact, more important to me.

    I'm just now starting to explore the part of my male sexuality linked to prostate awareness and stimulation. I have no idea where it will go, but so far I'm intrigued and have had some positive experiences. Somehow, I don't see this new chapter as something having to do with my sexual preference. I'm curious that you link your solo experiences and the associated fantasies with sexual preference. I can certainly understand that, if it intensifies your male-male fantasies, it could cause you to reconsider the choices you've made and any part of your sexuality that you decided to put aside.

    I'm just wondering, could you consider your alone time and your fantasy life as something that you are entitled to, and for which you are entitled to your privacy? Could they be a way of enjoying a part of your sexuality that will always be yours and that can complement the parts of you that are shared with others?

    At least in your own mind, can you have your cake and eat it, too?

    I don't claim to have an answer to that question. Just asking it. I wish you all the best as you ponder the mysteries of self and sexuality, and try to strike a balance between expression of your private and shared selves that will make you truly happy. (Heck, I wish the same for myself!)
  • rickg
    Posts: 94
    Yes, both of you are NOT alone. I have found myself in a similar situation. My wife is accepting my bisexuality but she does not let me explore it outside the marriage. If I could "roll the clock back" several years, I would have done things differently. However, for the time being, she is helping me with my anal needs and the aneros is part of that. PM me if you want to discuss more. :-)
  • artformartform
    Posts: 1,488
    Hi dmr and Welcome!! :D And Hi again tallguy and rickg!! :D :D

    I second your statement RG! DMR and TG, do know that you guys are not alone! Please see the Community Poll Male Sexual Orientation Here: http://www.aneros.com/forum/f6/male-sexual-orientation-here-12285/ Please vote and post there too.

    I did experiment with a close male friend in my youth in a full homosexual relationship as you will see there. I haven't felt the need to since. My wife knows me as someone who is functionally bisexual, butt on the straight side of bi and committed to her for the past 40+ years. Since becoming empty-nesters with both sons at university and now employed in different cities, we have both explored those areas we had wanted to, and that included bringing my 50 year solo prostate massage and Super-T practice into our intimate life together. We have developed a fabulous mutual prostates practice, discovered our Taoist sex-based energies practice that now extends into spiritual orgasmic events of ineffable wonder and light.

    Each person and each marriage is different and unique. Yet I believe that you two may find some dimensions of this practice that both builds a healthy integration of the whole you into your journeys with your wives, and a healthy integrated interior life as your own Aneros-based journey within the commitments of that relationship and its potential for growth.

    It would be great if the four of us could co-ordinate sometime and chat together during the upcoming chat week here. I am also on Yahoo and happy to chat there too, as well as PMing here. Sorry RG to have missed you at Yahoo an hour or so ago there.

    all the best whole full spectrum male being as one feels their whole self emerging all

    artform
  • newguy8762
    Posts: 198
    Nope. You're not the only ones who have ever been attracted to or intimately involved with the same sex. It's probably more common than surveys show because most men wouldn't admit even to themselves that they've been sexually attracted to, aroused by or engaged in sexual activity with another male. I've been married over 20 years and enjoy a vibrant sex life with my wife. Prior to marriage, I was almost exclusively homosexual in my sexual experiences and fantasy. I have never acted or been perceived by others to be gay. I decided that even though I had these powerful attractions to and enjoyed having sex with other men that I did not ultimately wish to live a gay lifestyle. My decision was based upon my reading and understanding of Scripture (the Bible) that God asks those who embrace Jesus as Lord and Savior and follow Him to abstain from sexual relationships outside marriage and that marriage is, by His original design and purpose, exclusively between one man and one woman for life and that the marriage relationship, including sexual intimacy, is sacred before God and should not be defiled by inviting others to share that relationship. I could have chosen to remain unmarried the rest of my life but God brought a loving woman into my world, whom I fell in love with. So, I accepted this gift of a wife and marriage and left my past behind. I do not say this to condemn anyone in any way for living otherwise. I do not claim that under my own will or power I forced myself to this position. I believe God, by His grace, has enabled me to live this way. From the beginning my wife knew of my past and has loved me unconditionally. Am I still sexually attracted to men? Yes. Do I dwell on this or fantasize? No. Am I aroused also by my wife. Yes. I don't find labels like "gay" or "straight" particularly helpful in that I think we all have the capacity of experiencing sexual arousal and attraction from different situations and different people at different points throughout our lives, whether we choose to have these feelings or not. Sometimes, it happens spontaneously. Does getting turned on by another guy make you gay or bisexual? If it did, there would be far more gay or bisexual men. I think there's a great bit of elasticity in a younger mans sexual arousal and if like me or possibly you, you had youthful sexual experiences with other males, it's easy to see how the reinforcing mechanism of arousal and orgasm could establish a preference for what first causes this to occur. Does this mean this condition is fixed for all time? Hardly. Yet, I am convinced it is not the feelings and arousal in and of itself that's the most important but what we chose to do with these that makes all the difference in the world. I believe God's calling for those of us who follow Him is clear and unambiguous. Some would say I'm in denial. In a sense, this is both true. The true condition of humanity, I believe, is one of brokenness. This includes our sexuality and all our desires. So, in this sense, in my fallen humanity, my natural desire based on early experiences and feelings is to have sex with other men. I also believe the Scriptures teach that by God's grace and His grace alone, we can become new creatures in Christ and rise above our broken, natural nature to a new way of living and this includes our sexuality. When God so empowers us to new life, however, it doesn't eliminate our old nature entirely. The old nature, along with it's desires, still lingers. As a result, we also are called and empowered to deny ourselves...this means to deny the old nature with it's desires, which are corrupt and broken. When we truly struggle is when we fail to acknowledge we even are involved in this conflict between two natures...when we pretend like it isn't so. In reality, how could I deny myself sexual pleasure with another man if I never acknowledged I had it in the first place? Our desires and feelings will always rise to the surface. Must we submit them just because they are there? No. We can chose the feelings we follow. And, we can cause them to grow or diminish in power by dwelling on them and feeding them or by shifting our attention to higher things. I write all this to encourage you that what you're experiencing and have experienced, is pretty common among other men and to ask you to possibly consider, if you haven't already, exploring how your sexuality might relate to God and your relationship to Him. If the Bible teaches anything, it's this: we are to keep a long-term perspective in view. We live, not just for this time and place, but we have an eternal destiny. What we do now matters for eternity and this includes our sexuality. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to continue this discussion off forum. I'm happy to provide any advice on how I've come to terms with this and how God helps me to keep my commitment to Him, my wife and my family.
  • tallguy
    Posts: 57
    Gents,

    Interesting perspectives. newguy, I can appreciate the spiritual approach to "managing" sexuality. People of many beliefs see Creation as essentially broken, or imperfect, and believe it is our responsibility as human beings to repair or perfect ourselves and the world through acts of loving and justice.

    Me, I'm mostly pragmatic. I see us all as flawed in various ways, and in the case of many of us, we're crosswired in a way that doesn't fit societal conventions--even as those conventions shift toward acceptance of homosexuality. (The idea of "true" bisexuality is not easily acknowledged by either heterosexuals or homosexuals; bisexuality, to many, is some sort of purgatory where the bisexual must wait until he or she sees which way the pendulum will finally swing!)

    Artform, RG, I'm happy to discuss this at any time, but please note I answered dmr's post as a way to demonstrate to him that there are at least some of us who have willingly made a choice (a compromise, perhaps) in favor of a loving heterosexual relationship. In doing so I've put my male-male tendencies in a private mental place where I can at least acknowledge and accept them on my own. And certainly my contentment is helped a bit by knowing there are millions out there like me! Finally, I see my foray into prostate stimulation and related expansion of sexual experience as "preference neutral..." not something that defines my sexual identity, per se. And I like the thought that artform articulated: That someday, this practice (if it's something I adopt long term) could be incorporated into sex play with my lovely wife. She is going through menopause right now and is, frankly, not a very sexual being at the moment, so this is not something I am going to push at this stage!
  • sunny
    Posts: 3
    after nearly 35 years of str8 sex had the first life penis up my back the other day. Involuntary contractions immediatly started which massaged my partners penis in a way he never experienced before.

    It was an interesting experience, but str8 sex with my girlfriend is much more pleasurable. At the moment do not have the desire for a male partner - tried it, liked the experience and that is all there is to it. My partner at the time wants more as he had the best orgasm ever (his words) but I dissapointed him by explaining that it is not what I want.

    I personally believe that one should not supress any feelings - let them surface - explore them and then have the courage to follow what you think is best for you. Following what others think is best for you is a sure recepi to unhappiness, medication and alcahol=drug abuse as a escape into momentory psuedo bliss states.
  • rookrook
    Posts: 1,604
    [QUOTE=dmr;88691]................
    I am thinking about hanging up my toys and focusing on my hetro side. Any one else have this problem?

    Whoa !! Don't throw away the toys. That would be akin to the baby and bathwater parable.

    I was hesitant to post on this thread since I'm not a qualified member of the club. I agree though that there's a spectrum of orientation. We each select our role in life and establish boundaries, many of which are 'codified' in our marriages and I think that's important. I feel sorry though for those who might have been slow in finding themselves or who have been forced into a role that didn't match up with their inborn wiring. I'm pretty OK in the role of "wired monogamous breeder."

    I've had sessions where the male-male fantasy is pretty distinct even though I've never bedded with another male. Over the years my wandering eye has always been about 85% female object and 15% male curious so I fall into the bi-curious category; however, it's like looking at a Ferrari or Masserati advertisement. I'm not going to even stop off at the dealership but I still feel free to glance. I can fantasize about the qualities of the transmission, whine of the engine etc. I just don't go there.

    Get rid of the tools -- absolutely not. They help keep me straight and fulfill a need that while not fully consummated is an OK thing. Tool use provides a definite boundary for my activities and realizations of desire. Together, my wife and I view it as a, "guy thing." Female g-spot is an OK thing with a vibe or dildoe, why not my p-spot with an Aneros or sleeved vibe..

    I remain as big on ano-rectal play as I am on reaching for dry orgasms and I dedicate about one Aneros session in eight to pure sweaty ass-fucking -- even though they are probably counter productive to a rapid rewiring. I make them as raunchy and raucous as I can imagine in every posture I can achieve. I promise my wife that I will not kill myself doing this. My wife understands my craving for prostate pleasure and presents me with a new toy a couple of times a year. Maximus is probably next and will round out my toybox. Putting a lead weight in the head of a Progasm is also on my list if Aneros further delays the stainless steel Progasm (even though I doubt that I can handle the mass of that monster.).

    I don't allow myself to stray from a loving monogamous relationship and I don't shop for a Ferrari.
  • artformartform
    Posts: 1,488
    tallguy said:

    Gents,

    ...Me, I'm mostly pragmatic. I see us all as flawed in various ways, and in the case of many of us, we're crosswired in a way that doesn't fit societal conventions--even as those conventions shift toward acceptance of homosexuality. (The idea of "true" bisexuality is not easily acknowledged by either heterosexuals or homosexuals; bisexuality, to many, is some sort of purgatory where the bisexual must wait until he or she sees which way the pendulum will finally swing!)



    I have seen and heard those ideas first hand too TG. IMHO, the most natural explanation, backed increasingly by current science, is in fact that we are wired as males for anal penetration and prostate massage. We all undergo the vicious socialization processes, including The Rolling Poison of the Playgrounds, that are developed to extinguish these natural responses inherited from our Bonobo cousins.

    Prostate health requires prostate massage and more ejaculations, contrary to most religious and some other traditions. Anthropological evidence supports this view as well. See Marvin Harris's Male with Male chapter, and others, in his book Our Kind. And Jared Diamond in his book The Third Chimpanzee.

    I know too many gay men who feel they have to be one or the other and yet are in significant turmoil. We are all a rainbow of possibilities with different high points or tent-poles plural at different points along the spectrum, IMHO. You and I and rook (and thanks so much for your descriptions rook!), although differently self-defined, are all males who have a significantly dominant tent-pole some (varied) distance into the hetero-preference zone, while we each have more or less secondary tent-poles somewhere the other side of the geosexual bi-line.

    Once your practice moves fully into the ecstatic energies, all these differentiations mean even less in practical terms. Things are less and less narrowly sexual and more about total integrated enegetics. Genitalia become inccidental. At least in my marriage, our commitment with the added energies communion we now share, is a profoundly enriched added dimension to our relationship and love in every sense.

    tallguy said:

    Artform, RG, I'm happy to discuss this at any time, but please note I answered dmr's post as a way to demonstrate to him that there are at least some of us who have willingly made a choice (a compromise, perhaps) in favor of a loving heterosexual relationship. In doing so I've put my male-male tendencies in a private mental place where I can at least acknowledge and accept them on my own. And certainly my contentment is helped a bit by knowing there are millions out there like me! Finally, I see my foray into prostate stimulation and related expansion of sexual experience as "preference neutral..." not something that defines my sexual identity, per se. And I like the thought that artform articulated: That someday, this practice (if it's something I adopt long term) could be incorporated into sex play with my lovely wife. She is going through menopause right now and is, frankly, not a very sexual being at the moment, so this is not something I am going to push at this stage!



    TG, I think you are right on seeing this practice as "preference neutral...", as I too have outlined above. I have been experiencing Spiritual Orgasms over the past two years and have discussed these with my wife, with my minister (who is an open lesbian), and with friends, the wife in the particular hetero couple having just become a theologian.

    My most recent voyage included some technique guidance by fellow Anerosian male, and he and I have been experimenting sharing these energies over the long geographic distances between us, which has been part of these conversations too. This parallels the established Taoist practice of distance healings using these energies. The Aneros prostate awakening becomes a generalized bio-energetics awakening that gives the widest ranging and most profoundly moving gifts in all dimensions.

    Mrs. a and I are both currently 63. She was just out of menopause a year or so when we started just over three years ago, me with my MGX and she with her G-spot dildo, which we bought together at the store along with some added supplies. Your thoughts on waiting are appropriately sensitive, IMHO. Best wishes to you both!!

    dmr, I hope these further discussions are helpful for you too and I remain happy to chat (here or at Yahoo) or answer any questions you may have through the PM system here.

    all the best reintegration of the natural you and your bio-energetic ecstatics potential all

    artform
  • artformartform
    Posts: 1,488
    Hi sunny and Welcome to this great community of fellow journeymen, and women encouragers!!! :D :D :D

    35 years of "str8 sex" plus maybe 15+ before you got started... Does that put you in your early 50s? There are other Anerosians here who also found themselves around that age having a greater interest in their possibilities along the full male spectrum. Congratulations on your courage and self-assurance in exploring your potentials!

    You were able to give your exploratory male partner that unique "involuntaries" massage. Nice. How long have you been in your Aneros practice so far? What levels do you get to now?

    Your comments about, ...was nice, ...butt don't need it again, parallel my experience receiving anally in my late teens. Pleasant, but not where I want to pitch my tent for life thanks.

    Does your girlfriend know about this new anal experience of your? Do you and she include anal stimulation in your sessions together? Does she massage your prostate?

    Sunny, DO NOT feel you have to answer any of these questions! I ask only because your thoughts on all of this can be valuable for other members here in putting your post above and your responses into the more complete picture/context.

    Thanks for your post!! and all the best with your continuing Aneros journey with you friends "the involuntaries" and others!

    all the most assured courage in exploring your full potential within your commitments and your care for all all

    artform