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To gay men: possible to not like forms of prostate stimul'n?
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    Hi,

    I was just wondering, seen as I'm not completely sure of my sexuality (or every facet/full extent thereof), and penile stimulation so far has never really been all I expected it to be (not much pleasure. Im not on meds. Masturbating isn't pleasurable, in fact less so, usually), whether my pleasurable future lies in me bottoming forever.

    My reasons for Anerosing has been threefold: to see if I can get more sensitivity in my penis (head etc); to see if I can use it to boost/add to penile stimulation; and thirdly, as a possible sneakpeak at bottoming or prostate stimulation in general, to see if I can get pleasure THAT way.

    I don't particularly know if I could be sexual with guys actively, and if so, I would just stick to females, but to be able to have an encounter in which sex doesn't depend on me, in which I'm not getting the least pleasure and doing the most work, to be the one that relaxes on their back without needing to be all that aroused, the submissive one whose job is to enjoy, if my future lies in bottoming then I may be interested or curious. I psyhologically seem to want to be submissive. I wonder if that is playing a role in why I don't find sex to be that great much. But then I would enjoy masturbation, wouldn't I?

    But so far, I have not rewired with the Aneros. Is it possible that I would rewire faster with other forms of anal play other than the Aneros? Is it possible to like some anal/prostate play yet never come to like the Aneros? How about the other way round? Is the Aneros a good substitute for anal sex at all?


    This issue is killing me, and I just wish I had been born with a normal capacity for pleasure, and knowing what sexuality I am. Even coming out to some people hasn't helped me. It's certain things that trigger my worries about sex/uality, and it became an obsession long ago. Lately, I'm jealous of the female capacity for pleasure (orgasms, intensity, etc). My sexuality obsession goes along the lines of the Internet-coined "Homosexual OCD" or "Sexual Orientation OCD", except I think mine has a real basis, and is not all just "made up in my head". I don't want to be in denial. if knowing could make me happy, then I'd rather know, although I guess no-one is thrilled to learn that their sexuality isn't what they first believed/wanted. etc.

    Thanks.
  • BoPBoP
    Posts: 96
    Many females have problems experiencing orgasms and you are not alone with sexual problems trust me, many people have problems there.

    I always say that before you will have any orgasms that will satisfy you, YOU NEED TO ACCEPT YOURSELF. You can not expect to move on if you are confused about your sexuality. There is really no need to define anything here you just have to say to yourself I am sexy I accept myself as I am. That is the difficult part.

    You can't get joy out of sex if you are not ok with getting it, and if you are not open with yourself and do not feel that your physical body is sexy and feel passion for it then you can't open up to pleasure.

    Taking a woman has it's kick to it, with a woman it's different while having sex partners care for one another, and woman is not just laying there passively at least she should not be. Sex is about giving your partner pleasure and receiving pleasure your partner gives back to you.

    My suggestion to you is to you is to open to yourself try to accept yourself as you are and not look for ways to change yourself.

    My experience shows that men have insane capacity for orgasms in fact I think both female and male have that capacity, trust me there is no limit on pleasure as long as you are open to it you will have it.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    Hi, Bop.

    There are different types of sex that I've had over my short devirginized 4 months or so:

    - erection before sex; penis inside vagina; analyse pleasure: minimal or none; fight to keep erection; out of nowhere, orgasm/ejac pending; orgasm/ejac pleasurable.

    - erection before sex; penis inside vagina; analyse pleasure: minimal or none; fight to keep erection; erection subsides; anxiety and "here we go again!" set in; erection never as hard again; anxiety for next time; wondering if I have a sexual or sexuality problem.

    - erection before sex; erection subsides before entering inside vagina; anxiety and "here we go again!" set in; etc

    and once or twice-ish:

    - erection before sex; penis inside vagina; analyse pleasure: minimal but okay; wondering about keeping erection; gradually arive at orgasm stage, orgasm/ejac pending; orgasm/ejac pleasurable.

    I do have a lot of psychological factors, but then masturbation wouldn't be the same, would it? My libido crashes when I really feel low about this.

    BoP, I have tried to accept myself by considering myself bi, gay, Kinsey X/5, label-less, testing, but I just want the pleasure at the moment, and for sex not to be anxiety filled and pressure on me, and spotlight-focused on me, etc. I dunno what to do with my life.

    Thanks so much.
  • BoPBoP
    Posts: 96
    Thanks for sharing.

    It would be nice for you to speak with your partner about changing the way you have sex, you seem to have some guilt about having an orgasm too fast and obviously not satisfying you partner and yourself, that is what I see at this point.

    Try to forget about your pleasure when you have sex if you ejaculate too fast then do not use intercourse to please your partner if you make your partner happy she is likely to help you find a way to get pleasure and ladies work in unpredictable ways.

    I do not think you have a problem with your physical body, it seems that you are coming from very depressed emotional state in general, it is likely that other factors in your life have influence on your emotional well being. In this case then it's hard to judge anything without knowing them. Think about other aspects of your life you are not happy with and that might reveal allot to you, maybe sex is a way you want to escape something or make up for all the bad stuff.

    It's important to avoid feelings of guilt and unhappiness after or during sex, rather than focusing on not thinking about it just focus your attention on any pleasure you get and enjoy every moment, if you can't enjoy it then stop.

    Hope this helps.
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,265
    MyTurn,

    ‘BoP’ has stated some very good points regarding accepting yourself AS YOU ARE in order to be able to experience pleasure. I assume you are a fairly young man, you may be confused about aspects of your sexuality, this is all very normal. As you go through life you will try various different ‘roles’ with respect to your sexuality, eventually you will find the role which is the most natural ‘fit’ for you. Until you find that ‘fit’ life may seem a bit chaotic, but then life can be pretty messy for all of us at times. Accepting and trusting your inner thoughts and feelings to guide you in the right direction is key to finding your path.

    External devices such as the Aneros may allow you to experience new sensations but the real “rewiring” takes place in your own psyche as you come to know yourself. I detect in your posts a level of frustration borne of unmet expectations, expectations from yourself and from others. These unmet expectations can be real pleasure killers and by extension orgasm killers as well. It is also fairly obvious you are suffering from “performance anxiety” as a result of all the unmet expectations.

    You may ultimately find yourself to be totally straight, you may find yourself to be totally gay, you may find yourself to be completely bi-sexual. It doesn’t really matter. Any of those orientations will still require you to accept yourself AS YOU ARE in order to be able to experience pleasure. I think this is an issue you can deal with on your own with the cooperation of your partner, but professional counseling may speed the needed restructured thinking process. There seems to be a lot of underlying detritus that needs to be cleaned out.
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,196
    MyTurn-

    wow, sorry you are having these issues.

    a good way to figure out your orientation is to examine your sexual fantasies. if you are inhibited, allow/force yourself to sample a whole bunch, particularly trying ones that you think you shouldn't, including sex with guys.

    does your pleasure during masturbation improve if you find the right fantasy?

    if you are aroused by your fantasy, but aren't having pleasure then it could be something to discuss either with a psychologist or urologist.

    another thing: i am concerned that your mother may play a role in this. the story you told us about her snooping in your computer was very unusual and hurtful to you.

    darwin
  • darwindarwin
    Posts: 1,196
    i should add that your desire to relax and receive pleasure is a good thing. many men stifle that.

    yes, a good relationship of any orientation should provide that. that said, i fear that many relationships stuck in conventional don't manage to provide this for the man (and also may not provide orgasms for the woman).

    so, while being passive or "a bottom" might be an easy role to fill in a gay situation, by no means does desiring submission determine your orientation.

    to separate things:
    - wanting to be passive
    - who you want to be passive with

    again, let your fantasies be your guide.

    this forum is full of men who are bucking convention and finding their own way to eroticism. you are in good company.

    hope this helps,
    darwin
  • MyTurn...first, I'm glad you have a forum here (literally and figuratively) for expressing your struggles. I have to echo one of the other poster's sentiments (Rumel, Darwin...can't recall), you seem rather young from your previous posts (four months into NOT being a virgin, living at home, etc.) and I want to assure you of a couple things...

    First, you are going through what a lot of other men have gone through, are going through and will go through...since the beginning of time. It's just a part of the broken (from my philosophical/theological perspective) human condition. So, take heart, you are not alone.

    I have been there. I considered myself gay from the time I was five until my early 20's. I had a number of sexual experiences with other guys, all straight friends, none that I met in the traditional gay cruising sense. While I enjoyed the sexual experiences, they always left me wanting more and I didn't really want to live a gay lifestyle. I wasn't all that attracted to women but, I did find myself sexually attracted to males. So, I've shared this confusion.

    I can only tell you that I have been happily married to a wonderful woman for over 25 years and we've raised several happy, healthy children and she knew all of this going into our marriage and I've been faithful to her all these years and love our sex life together and wouldn't have it any other way. I have absolutely no regrets for not continuing to pursue my sexual attraction to other men. Am I still attracted to other men? Yes. Do I act on my attraction? No. Does this frustrate me or make me unable to fully enjoy sex with my wife? No.

    I don't think my experience is all that uncommon and I'm also not one of those that believes every straight guy is secretly gay. In fact, I don't find labels all that helpful. We can all be attracted to different people at different times and circumstances in our lives and just because you feel something...even really strongly, doesn't mean you need to act on it.

    That being said, your sexuality was never intended to be a source of frustration and anguish. Instead, the intention of the Creator is that you would experience both a wonderful sense of physical pleasure and a even deeper connectedness to another sin your sexuality. It pains me to know that you are currently deriving neither from your current situation. But I invite you to take heart...there is hope.

    I am concerned that you are depressed, which has known negative effects on sexuality but also of great concern is that you're not deriving any pleasure from sexual activity, either with your self or another. I am not a psychologist but based on your description there are a number of causes for what you're experiencing...it may be that there is abuse in your background that you have shut out of your conscious mind and this suppression is manifesting itself in this unpleasant set of sexual experiences. It may be that your family life has been a bit oppressive and severely frowned upon all sexual feelings and made you feel dirty about them growing up for whatever reason. It could be one or more of these combined with depression. Only a trained therapist can accurately diagnose this situation and I encourage you to seek professional help.

    But, again, I want to encourage you, there is hope. You can get through this and come to a place where your sexuality is experienced in the joy, pleasure and release it was intended. I wish you well and again remind you, you are not alone my friend.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    BoP said:

    Thanks for sharing.

    It would be nice for you to speak with your partner about changing the way you have sex, you seem to have some guilt about having an orgasm too fast and obviously not satisfying you partner and yourself, that is what I see at this point.



    Funnily, I'm more worried about the sex being crap or me being too nervous, sad, etc, than orgasming too quickly. I've never really worried about premature ejaculating, because at least I can ebb and flow if need be. Although, having said that, once I did that and got a good orgasmic feeling - maybe I hit the orgasm without ejaculating? - but then couldn't "finish" with an ejaculation, and just got tired and frustrated.

    BoP said:


    Try to forget about your pleasure when you have sex if you ejaculate too fast then do not use intercourse to please your partner if you make your partner happy she is likely to help you find a way to get pleasure and ladies work in unpredictable ways.



    I've tried to forget my pleasure, but then frustration builds. "All this thrusting for no pleasure? I'm anxious, my arms ache, I feel down, I'm checking my erection, and wondering if my relationship can withstand such a bad event". Oh, and my girlfriend is more of a "hurry up and give me sugar", rather than a "slow it down and foreplay" -type girl. She hardly needs warming up, and isn't into the caressing filler stuff. She is into the main course.

    BoP said:


    I do not think you have a problem with your physical body, it seems that you are coming from very depressed emotional state in general, it is likely that other factors in your life have influence on your emotional well being. In this case then it's hard to judge anything without knowing them. Think about other aspects of your life you are not happy with and that might reveal allot to you, maybe sex is a way you want to escape something or make up for all the bad stuff.



    True. I want sex to be amazing. I am not trying to escape anything by it. I'm not trying to find out my sexuality by it or convince myself of anything. I just want it to be pleasureful. I want my penis to provide pleasure. Failing that, I want the combo of my penis and prostate to provide unprecedented pleasure.

    BoP said:


    It's important to avoid feelings of guilt and unhappiness after or during sex, rather than focusing on not thinking about it just focus your attention on any pleasure you get and enjoy every moment, if you can't enjoy it then stop.



    It's hard to stop when you have someone to please, someone who can't sleep unless they get what they want, etc.

    I do appreciate your post BOP. Thanks.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    rumel said:

    MyTurn,

    I assume you are a fairly young man,

    ... eventually you will find the role which is the most natural ‘fit’ for you.

    I detect in your posts a level of frustration borne of unmet expectations...

    It is also fairly obvious you are suffering from “performance anxiety” as a result of all the unmet expectations.

    ...professional counseling may speed the needed restructured thinking process. There seems to be a lot of underlying detritus that needs to be cleaned out.



    Thanks rumel. Yes, I'm young-ish, 25. I hope I do - and am open to finding the role that fits me, even if its not what I had hoped.

    I often wonder if I'm mistaking perf. anx. for homosexuality or just no/low libido (which I do have). I try to test myself to see if I am/not in denial, looking at guys to see if I like them, checking obsessively, etc, but I guess I will just have to wait for the truth to come out on its own. Can I be in denial if I am discussing this openly, or maybe you can be in denial about being in denial?

    I saw a counsellor when I had a panic attack over anal sex (I used to be scared of anything anal as my brain said: "if you see anyone enjoying anal, you might like it with guys too". I would avoid anal hetero porn. Just vaginal. I'd run out of rooms when anyting anal might come up. This all culminated in an anxiety attack that saw me go to mental hospital when I heard a man's G spot is up his arse on a radio show. I freaked!! Luckily I am dealing much better with anal stuff, in fact, the lack of penile pleasure, in part, helped me to "reach out" to this G spot stuff. Also, a woman on a forum consoled me by detaching it from homosexuality), and they just suggested I talk to gays or call gay hotlines or whatever, which was no help. If I wanted to call gay hotlines, Id just do it. I think. I hope. If it were the case.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    darwin said:

    MyTurn-

    wow, sorry you are having these issues.

    a good way to figure out your orientation is to examine your sexual fantasies. if you are inhibited, allow/force yourself to sample a whole bunch, particularly trying ones that you think you shouldn't, including sex with guys.

    does your pleasure during masturbation improve if you find the right fantasy?

    if you are aroused by your fantasy, but aren't having pleasure then it could be something to discuss either with a psychologist or urologist.

    another thing: i am concerned that your mother may play a role in this. the story you told us about her snooping in your computer was very unusual and hurtful to you.

    darwin



    Hi, thanks darwin,

    Once, I bit the bullet and tested with a gay porn (I usually watch hetero vaginal porn, see above post), but felt anxious. Maybe I'm repressed, but I couldn't relax, let alone masturbate to it.

    Finding the right fantasy doesn't help either. Nothing changes the pleasure during masturbation.

    My mother has only been snooping and negative in my life since I told her that I might be gay in 2004, before that, she was ok. I can't think of a link between why I feel no penile stimulation/pleasure and her occasional snooping, as annoying and disappointing as it is (the snooping).
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447

    MyTurn...first, I'm glad you have a forum here (literally and figuratively) for expressing your struggles.

    First, you are going through what a lot of other men have gone through, are going through and will go through...since the beginning of time. It's just a part of the broken (from my philosophical/theological perspective) human condition. So, take heart, you are not alone.



    Really? Coz I have googled my lack of pleasure and only seem to find women with this problem, and even some of those women USED TO feel pleasure. Oh - are you referring to my confusion? Ah, I should have guessed. How can I be "penally unique" in this respect??


    I have been there. I considered myself gay from the time I was five until my early 20's. I had a number of sexual experiences with other guys, all straight friends, none that I met in the traditional gay cruising sense. While I enjoyed the sexual experiences, they always left me wanting more and I didn't really want to live a gay lifestyle. I wasn't all that attracted to women but, I did find myself sexually attracted to males. So, I've shared this confusion.



    Wow. If you enjoyed the experiences, what made you want more? Was it a relationship you wanted? Do you think you went through denial? Were you ever confused or did you just not like what you knew you felt?


    I can only tell you that I have been happily married to a wonderful woman for over 25 years and we've raised several happy, healthy children and she knew all of this going into our marriage and I've been faithful to her all these years and love our sex life together and wouldn't have it any other way. I have absolutely no regrets for not continuing to pursue my sexual attraction to other men. Am I still attracted to other men? Yes. Do I act on my attraction? No. Does this frustrate me or make me unable to fully enjoy sex with my wife? No.



    1. You are so lucky to have such an accepting wife. How did you convince her to be with you, considering you are more attracted to guys?
    2. How did you get used to never having prostate/anal stimulation ever again (until the Aneros came along) when you decided to settle down with your wife?



    That being said, your sexuality was never intended to be a source of frustration and anguish. ..

    I am concerned that you are depressed, which has known negative effects on sexuality but also of great concern is that you're not deriving any pleasure from sexual activity, either with your self or another.



    These days I am more consumed/obsessed/depressed/desiring to get pleasure than I am about my sexuality.


    ..it may be that there is abuse in your background that you have shut out of your conscious mind and this suppression is manifesting itself in this unpleasant set of sexual experiences. It may be that your family life has been a bit oppressive and severely frowned upon all sexual feelings and made you feel dirty about them...



    I wasn't abused that I know of. I hope not. I don't see where the opportunity would have happened as I pretty much went to school, childminders with many other kids, then home. Sex wasn't frowned upon at home (not until very late on, by whcih time I should have matured, developed a real libido, etc)..

    Gotta go, dinners ready...!
  • MyTurn,

    I'd need more information. First, have you undergone circumcision? Have you ever had a back injury or illness which would affect the nerves in your genitalia? Have you discussed this with a physician? What DO YOU feel when you masturbate (numbness, excess sensitivity, pleasure but no build up...)? How do you masturbate (rosy palm, full hand, shaft only, face down rubbing the sheets...)? There are so many variables involved I think it would be difficult determining a solution until you describe what you've tried. I don't think the Aneros will help with penile stimulation since it only contacts the prostate and stuff further south.

    Man, you have my sympathy.
  • rumelrumel
    Posts: 2,265
    My Turn,

    I agree with ‘slipperybugger’ that there may be physical reasons for your lack of pleasure and I encourage you to get those checked out by a physician, including metabolic and hormonal functioning. However, I suspect there is significant psychological turmoil causing this phenomenon. You said “These days I am more consumed/obsessed/depressed/desiring to get pleasure than I am about my sexuality.” Pleasure is almost entirely a psychological perception in reaction to physical stimulus in a given context. The intensity of that pleasure is in direct proportion to the emotional value you invest in it. For example two physically similar stimulation situations : You are blindfolded, you have an erect penis and you begin to feel very light scratching strokes along your shaft, you take off the blindfold to see a beautifully manicured hand drawing its fingernails atop your aroused member and a set of moist red lips about to suckle your corona. The blindfold goes back on, the light scratching continues, this time you remove the blindfold to see a scorpion stroking you shaft with its pinchers.
    I believe you are likely to find the former situation quite pleasurable while you are likely to find the latter situation extremely unpleasant, even terrifying. Same stimulation, different perception of context.
    If you are not getting pleasure out of your stimulation, it seems to me there are definite perception issues you will wish to examine. I suspect your sexual identity confusion is probably one of the issues, as is your anxiety of performing to your partners level of expectations (or your perceived notion of her expectations). You acknowledged depression is also a contributory factor, all of these are frustrating you on a number of levels which may be behind an obsessive “reaching for straws” thought process. I would highly recommend you talk with a counselor to help you resolve some of these deep seated issues. It is rather unlikely you will be able to get the full benefit of prostate stimulation until many of the above issues are sufficiently addressed.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447

    MyTurn,

    I'd need more information. First, have you undergone circumcision? Have you ever had a back injury or illness which would affect the nerves in your genitalia? Have you discussed this with a physician? What DO YOU feel when you masturbate (numbness, excess sensitivity, pleasure but no build up...)? How do you masturbate (rosy palm, full hand, shaft only, face down rubbing the sheets...)? There are so many variables involved I think it would be difficult determining a solution until you describe what you've tried. I don't think the Aneros will help with penile stimulation since it only contacts the prostate and stuff further south.

    Man, you have my sympathy.



    Hi,

    Thanks for your input; let me respond:

    -No circumcision.
    -No back injury or illness.
    -No discussion with physician.
    -Masturbation feeling: like I'm rubbing my arm - that level of pleasure, none, it just feels like I'm rubbing a limb.
    -Masturbation: Shaft only, but I do use long movements that sometimes (if I remember correctly) go over my head, but I never expose the head during masturbation, so its still mostly or half-covered by foreskin. No excess sensitivity. Not numb. Laying on my back.

    I've heard of some peopl getting sensitivity increased?/back? in the head of their penis, one guy got more in his testicles, and I think the wiki mentioned something about penile sensitivity although this may be only during an Aneros session. I also wondered about the value of stimulating the back of the penile nerves in the perineal area.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    rumel said:


    If you are not getting pleasure out of your stimulation, it seems to me there are definite perception issues you will wish to examine. I suspect your sexual identity confusion is probably one of the issues, as is your anxiety of performing to your partners level of expectations (or your perceived notion of her expectations). You acknowledged depression is also a contributory factor, all of these are frustrating you on a number of levels which may be behind an obsessive “reaching for straws” thought process. I would highly recommend you talk with a counselor to help you resolve some of these deep seated issues. It is rather unlikely you will be able to get the full benefit of prostate stimulation until many of the above issues are sufficiently addressed.



    Good example.

    Hi,
    The thing is, if I got pleasure during masturbation and not during sex, then I could probably piece together some psychological cause, but my penis has never given me pleasure. Once or twice during sex, I've felt SOME mild pleasure, more ticklish than "mindblowing" though, but it beat just a friction-feeling that might as well have been my arm.

    Maybe the depression is part of it, but when I go to masturbate, I'm not conciously remembering how depressed I feel. During sex, there is more pressure and more chance for anxiety etc, but during masturbation, it should be easygoing and pleasureful. I prefer sex to masturbation, but that could be more psychological, as in, it's between me and my gf, the closeness, its more intense (the situation), etc.

    Is there anyone in the world like me???
  • Fuzzy
    Posts: 99
    You're not on any kind of medication for depression are you? Those meds can mess with all sorts of things, including your libido and sexual response.

    MyTurn said:

    -Masturbation: Shaft only, but I do use long movements that sometimes (if I remember correctly) go over my head, but I never expose the head during masturbation, so its still mostly or half-covered by foreskin. No excess sensitivity. Not numb. Laying on my back.


    Have you tried exposing the head(glans) during masturbation?
    I'm also uncircumcised, and when I masturbate, I grip my penis on the foreskin surrounding the glans, with my thumb on top and my fingers underneath.
    I slide the foreskin back all the way, fully exposing the glans, then slide it back to the starting position and repeat.
    I find that one of the most pleasurable sensations in this routine is the feeling when the foreskin is pulled back as far as it can be, so that the connecting point between foreskin and glans is pulled tight and actually pulls the end of the glans down a bit too.
  • MyTurn
    Posts: 447
    I'll try this Fuzzy, when I next get time alone. What got me into realizing that I do have a glans and it is supposed to be sensitive, etc, is actually having sex. I mean that, before sex, I thought the shaft was supposed to be the source of pleasure. Once sex came around, it opened me up to the fact that the glans should be involved. It is involved when I have sex, but since my gf had a baby, maybe her vaginal canal isn't as tight around the glans as it could have been - not that my sexual lack of pleasure is down to her in any way! Even if it were megatight, I dunno if I'd have pleasure anyway.

    Yesterday, I had sex, and I don't remember if there was pleasure, I just remember the feeling that I was about to cum. That lasted the last 7/8ths of that session (session one). My second session, if 10 mins/30 mins, 1 hr later (after having ejaculated), is always ABSOLUTELY ANESTHESIC AND NUMB (I thought the first was, until the second one! Sheesh!), and I never get near cumming a second time (I tap out like a beaten wrestler), and my erection isn't as hard. I seem to have like a 0.5 day refractory period, being a 25yo. huh?