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Aneros brings lies and selfish bedtime practices

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  • #16

    I know that you’re one of the venerable contributors to this forum, but I must respectfully disagree with your suggestion that the Aneros created this difficulty between these two people. That seems like a cop-out to me, the kind of thing that one says when they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. The analogy between the Aneros and a weapon is quite a reach as well. The most probable scenario here is that the Aneros helped this man discover a new sexual potential within himself and that he's been unable to put it into proper perspective in his relationship.

    Are there “pathological” problems here? I doubt it. On the idea of this product actually producing some "addiction", I know that some here have made this reference in a more light-hearted way from time to time. With respect to a more serious interpretation of addiction I would say that this is more a result of the personality of the individual as opposed to some dark side effect associated with Aneros use. That is to say, there are some people that will fixate on anything (addictive personalites), particularly those things where there is some pleasure involved. Bostonbabe has indicated that her partner would not even consider seeing a therapist; surely the Aneros isn’t responsible for that too? No. Again, there's some pre-existing stuff here. These good people have some problems to work through. As one user already said, this is a man making choices and some (I,d say) are bad ones. In the end it must be remembered that these are adults, not children. And the Aneros is an erotic device, no more, no less.

    Mark M


    • #17
      Thank you to all for your insights! Believe it or not, reading all you have said has "set me free". I can not make him be more giving in our sex life. But I can stop trying to control the situation. The aneros is not inherently bad. The laziness that is shown by my husband is his problem. I have never been lazy when it comes to sex. As soon as he found this forum, I read it too. Even before he found this forum and the aneros, I was the one who during foreplay felt the urge to massage his prostate. He quickly found out what YOU MEN HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG, MASSAGING THE PROSTATE BRINGS GREAT PLEASURE. I have read many of your posts to learn more about how to pleasure my husband. There is nothing more sexually exciting than to see your spouse moaning with pleasure for hours because of something you are doing to bring him sexual pleasure. I just want some reciprocity. I fully understand the pleasure one can find in anal and perineal pleasure. I fully enjoy the peridise. I quit using it as it reminded me of the lack of reciprocity I was receiving with my husband. However, after reading the above posts, I see I was just hurting myself. No More! Truly, thank you for your non-judgmental insights. I know this forum has been primarily for men. However, I would like to see more ideas where the use of the aneros and peridise in a sexual interlude could be used. Just a thought. I'll check back later. Got to go to bed.


      • #18

        I'm so glad that you've found something helpful here in this forum. You sound like a terrific and caring lady and a very generous partner. I suspect that this man, that you so obviously care for has temporarily lost his focus. I trust that he will regain it very soon. If he still follows the goings on here you might mention to him that I said that this place is filled full of guys that would give their eye teeth to have a woman like you in their lives! Once again, if there are other issues that are underpinning this in some way get them dealt with. And if he won't go to therapy, you might consider doing some sessions yourself. It's great having someone to bounce this kind of thing off of in a one-on-one setting.

        I must add that I was delighted to hear that you're a fan of the Peridise! Yes, indeed, I say you should revisit it without further delay and enjoy yourself! With respect to the female perspective, there are a small group of women who post from time to time. We have a sticky thread that can be viewed at the top of the Forum entitled " A Wife's Perspective" which is an archive of posts of many of our female contributors over the last several years. In addition, check out the posts of Lynn2694 a lady who was quite involved here last year. Lynn was a big fan of the Peridise! You might also consider posting some of your own couples suggestions, I know that they'd be much appreciated by everyone.

        All the best,

        BF Mayfield


        • #19
          Hi BostonBabe,

          You attract more flies with honey, than vinegar. My point, try and be a positive force in your relationship. Make sure you do everything to maintain your looks, figure, etc. Dress nicely - if not provocative around your husband. Flirt, tease, and make him feel special. Remind him why he loves you and married you. Establish productive and open communication. Ideally marriage between two is about each sharing themselves and life together. You might consider Tantra / kama sutra positions because they are very intimate and the spirituality deals with the concept of life force and energies being shared between two. I don't necessarily believe in the entire concept completely but there seems to be something true and very good about two lovers sharing themselves and pleasure together - each focused on the others pleasure.

          No doubt the Aneros is a distraction. It certainly can pacify, and relieve stress in guys. From experience though, there is only so much a person can do alone - even with intense pleasure before they get bored. Almost certainly his desire for you is still there, but perhaps sleeping at times. He probably needs to learn to not use it all the time, but as most things in life achieve balance. The Aneros is good at stimulating pleasurable feelings, but doesn't do anything in regards to providing fulfillment of desire of the opposite sex (IMO). He may need you to "encourage" him and help keep him balanced; however this is probably better done indirectly as if it is his idea.

          Relationships can be complicated. Make sure there are no 'issues' outstanding between you. Sometimes...perhaps over a glass of wine or champagne (even beer) you might discuss your ideas of intimacy, togetherness, and how two people can be as one and share the pleasure of each other in a reciprocal edifying way. No doubt if you've been married as long as you have...then you are already best friends. Be a best friend and encourage and love.

          Just my 2 cents... Best of luck.


          • #20
            I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.


            • #21
              Originally posted by zaneblue
              I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.
              While I believe that Zane's response may be over simplifying it just a bit, I do agree that OH! has put far too much of the onus on Bostonbabe in his response. Of course we're all a bunch of arm chair therapists around here anyway. The fact is we only know one side of this story, the Aneros user has never been identified and we've never heard from him. But from what has been presented, it isn't up to one person to make this situation work, it's a two way street. If this does end up being about a guy who is an unrepentant selfish boor, then it's up to Bostonbabe to identify it and perhaps move on and find someone else who will be more appreciative of her.



              • #22
                I can relate to this maybe this bloke is simply a bit like "YOU JUST CANT LEAVE THE DAMN THING ALONE MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY"
                once the aneros has you hooked you are hooked for good it is like it has become part of you and you cannot simply live another day without
                it because it feels sooo good to use it good i hope this bloke doesnt end up injuring himself like i have, well thats because i am an idiot which is
                a different matter altogether i am glad she has gotton over the problem now, but i think her husband should get off his lazy backside and be a bit
                more loving, and just be like an animal on heat isnt that what all women want their partners husbands to be a willing eager to please sex starved horny animal, or something like that anyway.

                Pity on me


                • #23
                  Originally posted by zaneblue
                  I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.
                  My point here - or at least one of them, is that there is likely other issues with the attraction / relationship. I am fully aware of the capabilities of the Aneros - believe me, and that would not be the only reason these two aren't having sex. As much as we would like to be selfish and pretend it isn't a two way street in reality it is. Both have to give and bring something to the relationship. When one fails on their end likely the other will fail in perhaps another way on theirs. If the gal was enticing her mate there would be no issue. Too often, too many get married and then think the work of relationship building and bonding is over and they no longer have to maintain their appearance for the partner. It's the idea that you are off the market so why bother looking nice. "If they truly love me, they will love me however I look". To some degree that is true, but none of us should take advantage of it, and take our partners feelings for granted. In a truly monogamous relationship all either person has in a sexual relationship is each other. If one partner decides to let it all go to *&*& then the other partner is a bit ripped off. They then take issue with it and and perhaps foster an inner resentment. If that is what is happening in this case then my opinion is the last thing the guy needs is his wife nagging at him. That will just make it worse. I stick with my original recommendation which is always a good recommendation no matter what situation the relationship is in. I have the same recommendation for the guy too. He should treat her the same way. Other than that, I'd say he either is or turned gay, or perhaps he has low testosterone.


                  • #24
                    As much as it sucks to be a victim of selfishness, you need to think of what you might not be doing for him that he might want and not be telling you. Ask him "What can I change about myself, what can I do to serve you better?" Really try to get that out of him if there might be even the smallest thing that he wants but is not telling you.


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by BOSTON BABE
                      I am very unhappy with my partner's use of the aneros. At first, I was supportive but the longer he uses it, the more lazy he is in bed. When I told him about my unhappiness, he just retreated further into aneros only masturbation. Sex became non-existent. When I asked him about it and said I wasn't happy with lack of sex, he said he wouldn't use the aneros unless I said ok. He is now lying about using it. It has brought me to the point that I sometimes think about separating. I know we all will masturbate but it shouldn't be to the exclusion of no intercourse because the aneros is more fun. Truly, the aneros was supposed to enhance his sex life in general and ultimately with me. Now the aneros is his sex life. I believe these sex toys can destroy a marriage.
                      To paraphrase gun people (and I don't even own one), "guns dont kill people, people kill people". Isn't it counter-productive to blame these issues on an object?

                      What is your hubby's background? Has he ever had obsessive problems with drugs, alcohol, specific foods, etc. in the past? Does he have any history of depression, character disorders, etc. in his past? I can't help but feel that there is a hidden problem here.

                      Not that I would recommend sending him to a shrink right off the bat. Sometimes problems with OCD-like behaviors have biological causes. For instance, shrinks will sometimes prescribe anti-psychotic drugs to patients, when their problem is really an endocrine system disorder. Has your hubby had a workup lately? Has he had any environmental exposures, or does he use junk foods like hybridized gluten, GMO soy, HFCS, etc.? Has he ever had any adrenal or thyroid testing?

                      If his biological health is OK ... you might want to think about narcissism. I believe it is one of the character disorders described in the DSM.


                      • #26
                        BOSTON BABE-

                        I'm on the other side of this coin. I totally know how your husband feels.

                        I just posted this thread:



                        • #27
                          Originally posted by zaneblue
                          I disagree. Sounds more like he's simply being selfish.
                          Indeed, but is selfishness the root cause?

                          His use of the aneros could very well have led to a sexual frustration in the relationship. This sexual frustration can lead into communication breakdowns, and frustration in daily life, as aneros play is generally a large span of time that cannot be used for much else but aneros time.

                          I doubt this is the root cause of the entire issue.

                          Being married to one person for 30 years is difficult to say the least. I couldn't make 3 years (but I had the wrong person), and you have to make it work for you. It sounds to me like you THINK you have spoken to him on the matter, but that you haven't quite gotten through that thick plating around the brain us males develop. Don't restrict him from the aneros. This will cause more problems. Instead try to work backwards toward the root cause.

                          Your frustration sounds more like you want an honest, open avenue of communication and understanding. Carefully confront him, and start with the communication problems. Then work backwards to the amount of time he is laying around with his mistress. Then work backwards to your lack of sexual gratification. Then work to what caused this mess. The entire time you are going to have to be understanding, forgiving, and you are going to have to make certain that he is aware that this is not just his burden. You are going to have to offer to share the burden. You are going to have to make sacrifices to make sure he is aware that you are involved in fixing this as well.

                          Whatever you do, do not let him see you get angry. Do not let him hear you yell. Do not let yourself cry about any of this. These emotions just harden us men against whatever you have to say. We stop listening once you turn the conversation into an emotional one. Think logically, and express rational, quantative points. If you just tell him about how you FEEL, and can't back it up with numbers and incidents, you aren't going to get anywhere with this.

                          The communication thing is going to be the first hurdle, and the hardest to solve. You have to be careful, you have to make certain not to offend him, and swallow the unfair burden of being offended and feeling like you are valuing him more than he values you. But you are going to have to do it. Otherwise, you run the risk of having him either lie to you to make you leave the issue alone, or offend him and have him take everything you say as a personal insult.

                          The next step is going to be the laying around. Try getting him off his back every now and again to do something with you, take a walk, just sit and watch a movie, cuddle, go out to dinner, etc. Don't blatantly interrupt him, but if you feel jealous of the plastic toy, you are going to have to be more mature than he is being, and actually do some marriage maintenance. Get him away from it. If he tells you he doesn't want to, start trying to make suggestions at a longer time frame. Try suggesting things that he might find fun, and will not necessarily cut into his aneros time, but will give the two of you time alone to talk and to just be friends for a while. If he keeps saying no, do not get frustrated. Don't badger him, or harp on him. Just keep trying. Start making plans that he can't say no to. Dinner reservations, movie tickets, and be sure to space these things out at first, and eventually increase the pace until you are both satisfied with your alone time. The real kicker to this step, is that you are going to have to stray away from the subject of sex for a while. Step 3 is about sex, don't show your hand by bringing up your sex life, or complaining about the aneros.

                          Step 3 involves fixing the sex issue. If he still insists on using his aneros, try getting involved. Massage him, then ask him to massage you. Sit on the man's face if you have to. Be aggressive, be spontaneous, be open to new things, try talking to him about fantasies, and get involved in new and fun situations. Spice it up! You need to remember that you aren't rewarding him with sex, you are getting what YOU want by making a compromise. Eventually, the man's going to get into the rhythm and be excited by you in ways that the aneros can't. While you may not be able to beat the super-O in pleasure, you can definitely beat it in other ways that are far superior.

                          Once you have the symptoms of that problem solved, you need to start trying to talk to him calmly about what happened over the last two years. Don't get offended by his answer. An honest answer is never wrong.

                          I know it seems like I'm siding with the man on this one, but I know what I'm talking about here. You don't want any more lasting scars in the relationship here. And to whomever suggested the "tit for tat", and other such childish shows of wrath and vengeance, shame on you. These sorts of childish actions break relationships beyond repair, and do nothing but demean both parties, obscuring communication and adding more fuel to both fires.

                          You are going to have to keep this up, and get him in on the maintenance as this goes on longer and longer. You can't pander to him, making him feel like you are treating him like a king, but don't expect to be treated like a queen either. Insist that he take the reins every now and again, make plans, take you out places, and occasionally try to get into your fantasies as well.

                          Relationships are give and take, but whoever said they are all bad if the give and take isn't equal and fair is an idealist moron. As long as giving makes you happy, give, and as long as taking doesn't make the other unhappy, take. If you are tallying up who does more in a relationship, chances are, you are already unhappy, and should rethink why you are in that relationship.

                          Being married requires you to be a friend before being a lover. Friends enjoy each others' company, and are willing to give everything to each other without expectation of return.

                          Good luck, and hang in there. Don't let yourself get frustrated. And if you ever need any advice, I'm sure there are a fair few other websites out there that can offer you adequate support, and I'm always around. I like helping people, and I'd like to think I'm good at it with how often I do so.


                          • #28
                            I can completely understand your husband. Penile stimulation is very monotoneous compared to anal. I understand Chia Mantak has written on how to experience amazing multiorgasmic orgasms the 'traditional'way, so maybe I'm speaking prematurely, it would certainly add color to an activity that is otherwise more or less always the same kind of sensation. Now, with the Aneros, everytime I use it it's different. My rectum isn't a galaxy, but it sure feels that way sometimes. Sometimes you stumble on to a place that completely blows you away, perhaps visited before, but the sensation's all new, just when you think the pleasure couldn't get any better...every day a new discovery.

                            It's amazing really, what lengths men go to 'get pussy', when the Aneros is so much better.
                            As Brian Mayfield wrote why take coach when you can fly first class with Aneros, heil Aneros!