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A rest stop adventure

I wrote this a year ago with a series of 3 porn stories to use as aids to my arousal when riding. They were all remembrances of real events. Turns out they were fun to write! I didn't intend to post this here but by popular request )thank you @Neros( I am finally posting it. Enjoy...


I heard about how sex goes on in the woods behind rest areas from friends. This was in the 80s when no one heard of AIDS or safe sex. I had just come out at 32 yo and had sex with a few men and liked it. My boy friend showed me a lot but I couldn't relax enough to let him fuck me. He was very gentle and considerate but couldn't penetrate my tight ass without me complaining of pain. I guess he gave up and we drifted apart. Not because of that but I had other issues, too needy, etc.

So back to the rest area. I was feeling horny and scared driving into the suburban rest area off of US 84 in Connecticut. I had seen men entering and leaving the woods on a path many times before and taking too long to be just peeing. I had tried to imagine what went on there, Tom of Finland fed my imagination. It was summer and warm and the sun was shining. I watched several men go in while I sat in my car. No police in sight. Didn't see anyone resembling Tom's men either. Just ordinary men. I sat there for a while feeling queasy. I swallowed my pounding heart, emptied my mind as if I was just going to the woods to take a leak and shambled vacantly into...

What? Trees and paths and men. Men alone and jerking themselves for all to see. Men together in 2s and 3s doing stuff to each other. Men with their pants down or their flies open. Men in a slow motion dance of ecstasy. Eyes closed or half open, moaning softly, the low rumble of aroused men. Most of all I noticed the wind and birds chirping. The woods were alive with men cumming and orgasming but they were so silent I could hear my own heavy breathing!

I walked up to a couple who were making out, one sucking the other with their pants down. I was frozen with fear and lust. I tentatively opened my zipper and took out my semi-hard cock. I was in jeans and a tshirt, sneakers. Easy to take apart and put together. I didn't know what the protocol was, whether to wait for a invitation or just join in worshiping his cock. I decided on the latter. I knew if I waited too long I might chicken out. I felt like I was butting into another guy's territory. But I knelt down and the other guy and I shared the big guy's cock in turns, licking and sucking his balls or cock. I don't remember the other guy who was kneeling with me but at some point he left. Now I had my man's cock to myself. I was beginning to enter the sexual trance that the other men were in.

Now the tall guy )maybe he seemed tall because I was kneeling( raised me up with his arms, turned me around and felt my ass hole. He was about 40, well built but thin, dark haired, very manly. He spit on his rough fingers and worked them into my tight hole. Having him touch me there, a stranger, no words, was so exciting I began to relax. I didn't want him to fuck me and hoped he would. Even if it hurt. He was so sure of what he wanted from me and how to get it I just let him do it. No thought. He just grabbed my waist and pushed his big cock into me before I knew it! It hurt a little going in but then felt so good I didn't mind at all. He was using me like a rag doll to get off and I loved it.

He took my cock in one hand and held onto me tight around my chest the other. We were bareback so I felt his hot hard cock touch every inch of my insides. Over and over. He wasn't trying to hurt me but was rough like a man which I found out I loved. Between his spit and precum he felt smooth and slippery but filled me up too. I also felt his cock repeatedly touching something amazing in me that I never felt before! Well it was familiar, something dimly remembered from my childhood. A sweet spot deeply buried in me like a secret treasure. My ass felt full of his cock, stretched wide and sending shivers of warmth down my legs with each pump.

Then when I was in a deep erotic trance he started pumping me harder, his balls slapping my ass, his strong arms squeezing my torso as if he had forgotten I was here. He breathed heavily into my ears with muffled moans, his stubble rubbing my neck like sandpaper, his musk and sweat and sex filling my nose. I'd lost all sense of where we were except for the random gasps of men's pleasure feeding my arousal.

I knew when he was about to shoot his load into my ass, but I didn't know how great it felt until then. He felt like a large hybrid, part animal, part man, impregnating me with his hot seed. He shook helplessly and gave out a muffled grunt, then stopped and slowly swung his hips into mine so we must have been swaying in a erotic dance. Stream after stream of his wet cum hit my insides, faster and faster, until he gradually emptied himself in me.

I loved it but it was over too soon. It all seemed to happen in slow motion but now I was gradually coming down to earth. I was in a world with lots of men quietly feeling orgasmic ecstasy with each other in the woods. It was a beautiful sight.

My man bent down and briefly licked his cream dripping out of my ass. I was still leaking when he pulled up his pants and smiled and walked away. So there was nothing for me to do but pull up my pants and stagger dazed past the men in heat scattered around me to my car. I couldn't believe what just happened but the wet cum oozing into my pants confirmed that I'd been fucked by a man. I felt so happy and free. I was still semi-hard so I finished myself off in the car thinking about what happened. I was happy and content for days afterwards.

I never saw him again of course and don't know who he is. Just another guy into sex with men. It doesn't matter to me. He opened up a whole new world inside me.

I went back on another day but police were there watching so the hot spot went elsewhere.

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Another twist in the road of my journey - last edit

I'm putting a checkmark next to this entry. I've been experimenting with salvia for some time and continue to do so occasionally. My ally has taught me to be comfortable with being out of my body for short periods and has shown me some interesting processes going on inside me. I've learned to isolate my perineum muscles and how to use them. It just seems to know what I need to learn. I'll continue to explore with my ally. I haven't gotten to the super orgasm yet but am grateful for what I'm learning. So this is the last addition in this blog entry. I want to write about other things.


Since this is more of a journal I'll be updating my experiences semi-regularly. Skip to the end of the blog for the latest entry.

I found that I had unintentionally hijacked the topic in the"weed" forum discussion with my Salvia Divinorum experiences and thought that my descriptions of my experiences were more appropriate in a blog. So here it is. I'll keep updating it as I go.


June 25
salvia divinorum looks interesting; quick acting, short duration, not addictive, meditative affects, no hangover. I'm going to try it.

Wikipedia says "Mazatec shamans have a long and continuous tradition of religious use of Salvia divinorum, using it to facilitate visionary states of consciousness during spiritual healing sessions.[1] Most of the plant's local common names allude to the Mazatec belief that the plant is an incarnation of the Virgin Mary, with its ritual use also invoking that relationship"

June 26
Here's a poetic description of the Salvia Divinorum experience from the Pharmako/poeia by Dale Pendel:

"It's like a mirror with no frame: some don't see it at all; some do, but don't like what they see.

It's like cat paws, soft cat paws pressing, or like a bunch of bird tongues lapping the mind. Or like tiny fingers, the way ivy fingers reach out to climb a wall . . .

Some say it is a sensual and a tactile thing. Some say it's about temporality and dimensionality--that it's about time travel. Some say it's about the Root Energy Network, or that it is about becoming a plant.

"Bird tongues lapping the mind." We timed them: they hit four or five times per second. It may be the theta rhythm."

I just ordered some plain leaves and some fortified.

June 28
Alex, I haven't used Salvia Divinorum yet but I've read a lot about it and will take precautions. If chewed and held in the mouth like the Mexican Indians do, it is very gentle and subtle, takes longer to feel an effect, and can last as long as 3 hours. The effect I'm going for is the meditative state where my mind has free rein. But I'll see what experience I get! Salvia is associated with the Virgin Mary in native cultures because of it's experience of mediation with heaven to help others or oneself. Often native plant based shamanic rituals involve what they call an ally who guides and helps the shaman. In this case Mary is a ally, probably from the Catholic influence. I've already felt the Virgin Mary's help when I had my first and only LSD trip. Praying to her brought me safely home from a really dangerous overdose. The natives teach that praying, singing, or asking a question is the proper way to use Salvia. I'll stay away from vaporizing it or smoking it because the effects are too sudden and extreme. I'll let everyone know what it's like and if it helps with my journey. I think I've been held back by my need for antidepressants and I hope this may give me a boost.

Later: the Salvia leafs have arrived but I don't know when I'll have a opportunity to try it.

June 30
okay, I've chewed a low dose of Salvia leaves twice, once without aneros and once with. I'm in a dark quiet room reclining on a couch, anointed with protective essential oil and have my question for the other world in my mind. The leaves taste bitter as I slowly chew them under my tongue and try not to swallow them. I notice a definite change a some point, a heat all over my body. It's pleasantly intoxicating. I direct it to my abdomen where I store my emotional distress, that's what my question for the ally is. The heat bathes my abdomen, it's very nice. I touch my belly to guide it there. The eupho syn has disappeared inside me. If I touch myself it feels good, better than usual. My penis gets hard but feels like someone else's penis. It gets extremely hard, almost painful. I'm watching the shadows in the room for any movement but don't see any. The hanging plant in the next room seems to writhe but I'm not sure. I begin touching myself all over and wonder at how good it feels. I'm surprised each time this happens as if it was the first time. It lasts for only a hour at most. I can tell when it's over, the heat recedes.

I'm not disoriented during or after this. I don't try to do anything physical during the session. It's not like weed or LSD or anything I've done. I'm using leaves fortified with Salvonorin A, the active ingredient so it's a little more powerful but chewing is the least effective way to get the effects. I read that this is the first level of 6 levels of effects, subtle feelings that something is happening, meditative and sexual effects. That's exactly what I wanted. Afterwards I realize that the ally has given me a hint about my question. If I direct my energy to my abdomen with my mind, I may understand the emotional tension that I've stored there and may learn how to heal from it.

I didn't get any benefit from riding the eupho during this session except to feel my whole body eroticized to touch. Even that was subtle. I didn't have any involuntaries or the usual orgasms. I felt the sexual energy building along with the heat and circulated it with my breathing the usual way, concentrating it on my abdomen. I found it harder to think except for my original inquiry. All in all it was interesting but not a break through. I've ordered plain natural unfortified leaves to smoke in a water pipe. This is a more powerful way of experiencing Salvia I've heard. I'll do that at night when I'm on the island in Maine this week and report back. Maybe I'll make this a blog!

July 1

Thanks Alex, I'll be careful. I should have a"sitter" with me if I smoke it I'm told. My spouse will be there and I'll smoke a tiny amount of leaves. I want to have a baseline to know how much to take in for putting me in a meditative state. Here's a link to a study on the effectiveness of Salvia for meditation http://www.maps.org/research/salvia/sdmeditation.html.
And here http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showwiki.php?title=Salvia_divinorum. And here http://salviaspace.blogspot.com/2013/11/salvia-tricks-and-useful-meditations_21.html.


Weed is good for arousing me, it always has been. And it is good for focussing my mind on whatever grabs my attention. I'm sure I'll try it with aneros at some point but I don't have a source right now.

Salvia is supposed to be as safe as alcohol if you are careful and take precautions. I'm moving my comments to a blog because I've already hijacked this discussion and don't want to distract from it. Weed is wonderful too if it isn't abused but I found that I was using it too much in the past and it was unfocussing my mind Not for nothing did my friends call me "acidhead" in college.

July 2
Note to myself; don't swallow Salvia.  I got a upset stomach from swallowing a few pieces of leaves. Not much effect from chewing it last night so I decided to try vaping it.

I vaped a small amount of fortified Salvia mixed with damiana to dilute the effect.  I just inhaled 1 toke from the vaporizer ant immediately felt the heat like I do with chewing the leaved.  This was much quicker and very relaxing.  My mind was clear and focused, good for meditating with a aneros. Unfortunately my stomach was feeling worse and the effects from vaping wore off quickly. I'll try again tomorrow.

July 3
My stomach felt better today so I decided to try vaping Salvia again. I wanted to try my handblown little waterpipe for the first time but it was pouring rain so I couldn't smoke on the deck. So I turned off the lights, filled my small vaporizer with the Saliva Divinorum - Damiana mix,  and inhaled deeply and held it. The effect was quick but mild, warmth and energy coursing through me. It plateaus quickly, 5 minutes,  so I vaped some more. I did the circular breathing, rotating my attention around my spine and down my chakras, which moved the Salvia palpably with my attention. I sent the Salvia to my perineum area with my attention and could feel intense pleasure there. I was watching porn at the time to amp up my arousal and riding my eupho syn.

I found I could concentrate relaxedly on the sensations from my prostate area more easily with my Salvia ally than without. I had internal orgasms but nothing I would call a super orgasm. I'll try the waterpipe tonight if it stops raining. 

July 9
Well it rained all weekend in Maine so I didn't smoke anything. When I got home I measured the temperature of my little vaporizer with a thermister and found it was not hot enough to vaporize Salvia. It has to be around 500 degrees! So back to the waterpipe at home. I pulverized a single leaf of fortified Salvia Divinorum with a mortar and pestle, filled the bowl of my blown glass waterpipe and held a lighter flame over the bowl. Smoking Salvia requires a very hot flame. I inhaled 3 deep tokes, held for 30 seconds, and all within 2 minutes as recommended. I was in the stairwell of my condo so I didn't stink up the house. With the first inhalation I quickly got the warm rush I was familiar with from chewing it and felt very high. It was different from a pot high but just as intense. I didn't try to stand up. I waited until it wore off enough to get moving. I think I'll wait for the plain unfortified leaves to smoke next time.

Jult 14
My supplier is out of the plain unfortified Salvia leaves so I decided to smoke the fortified Salvia again. This time I had the distinct brief feeling of being out of my body! It scared and amazed me. Fortunately it was over quickly either because of my fear or the short-lived nature of a Salvia high. I wanted to have a "proof of concept" Salvia experience like the shamans have and this was it. My setting was not ideal being in the condo stairwell again. I'll have to return to Maine for the peaceful safety that I need. Until then I'll be chewing the leaves occasionally. I'll have to find another Salvia distributor.


July 24 Well I went back to Maine and wound up staying a week to think and meditate and smoke Salvia of course. I sat on the steps to the deck at night when dark. Just trees around me and fireflies. I lit up the little glass waterpipe and took a deep toke and held it for 20 seconds. By the time I exhaled I noticed something was different again. I start to rub my nipples and get hard. I edge a little and it feels great. I'm not riding. My body feels strange, like someone else's body but I can somehow feel what they are feeling, very strongly. Then I realize I've been here before. I'm remembering a past experience while living the present one. I did not know whether I was in the past or present or both at once!

I knew now not to try to move while intoxicated because I was not fully connected to my body. I would try to move my hand and it would not respond in the usual way. When I came down 15 minutes later I went inside and rode a aneros device. It felt different. I was still aroused from the experience on the deck. No super orgasms though.

Another night I decided to smoke indoors. I'm edging and watching porn. Same as last time. The strong deja vu feeling,the out of body experience. But this time I notice that one of the guys in the porn vid is looking at me! He's not talking, just smiling and making eye contact in a friendly sexy way. I knew I was watching a vid on my laptop and the room was the same but he was looking out of the screen at me like he was on the other side of a window! I was a little scared but he reassured me somehow.

I had come to Maine to explore why I have a constant fear underlying everything I do. I'm aware of it when I let my teeth chatter involuntarily whenever I "relax". I've just noticed this recently but know that I've been this way all my life. I made an outline of my fears, what the causes might be, and what helped me to lessen the fear. Sexual encounters was one of the occasions when I become afraid.

Aug 2 I'm in Maine again by myself. I bought a Blunt vape on Ebay but it doesn't work LOL. And I got the straight dry Salvia leaves for a milder experience. I light up a bolus in the small glass waterpipe and inhale deeply. Same induction experience, everything seems unchanged yet somehow changed. I've been massaging my nipples and feeling aroused. My body feels better than usual like someone else is massaging my nipples. I start to edge and circulate the sexual energy to my prostate and cock. Again it feels like someone else is stroking me. I watch some porn video. Each thing brings me closer to the PONR. So I stop edging and take my hand off my cock. It still feels so good I don't want to stop but to approach the PONR slowly. So I contact my PC and BC and anal muscles while stretching out and curling my toes. Somehow I know that this is the way over the PONR. A sensation of electricity shoots from my feet to my cock and up to my head. I have the first hands free wet orgasm since I was a teenager. I'm filled with sexual energy now even though the refractory period begins.

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Emotions and orgasms

Some things I've learned about my emotions and helping others heal emotionally

• Need a sense of safety to feel emotions
• When safe enough, emotions come up to awareness and can be accessed
• The presence of someone who is trusted and comfortable with witnessing emotions facilitates the expression of emotion
• I can access my emotions when alone if I'm centered in myself and feel safe enough
• The safety of the setting facilitates the expression of emotion
• The contrast between the safety of the setting and the lack of safety during the emotional hurt facilitates the expression of emotion
• The contrast between the reality of our wholeness in the present and the insult to our wholeness in the past facilitates the expression of emotion
• The contrast between the pleasure and sense of well being of multiorgasmic experiences and the painful experiences facilitates the expression of emotion
• Have to let go of restraints so the emotions can physically express themselves
• Let go of ego
• Let go of fear
• Let go of social conventions
• Let go of expectations
• Let go of the rails at the top of the sliding board and slide down effortlessly , uncontrollably, wheeee!
• Letting go for expressing emotions like letting go to experience orgasms
• Emotions and orgasms are bodily expressions
• Emotions and orgasms are mediated throught our subconscious
• Sobbing, shaking, teeth chattering, violent vocalizations, crying, laughing are the physical manifestations of emotion
• They seem to come from our bodies where they are stored
• They seem to run for a while if allowed and then subside with some relief of tension
• Many thoughts may occur while they are running or no thoughts
• The thoughts may help to understand what the emotions are telling us
• Effort and intention is needed to understand
• Sometimes they tell us things we don't want to hear
• Sometimes their meaning is obvious
• Several emotions can run at the same time
• Their message can be hard to understand
• I don't worry about understanding them while they are running, I just observe and remember
•I often can't understand them afterwards
•I may understand them later
• Emotions may associate with painful memories, beautiful experiences, joyous experiences, connection with our true core essence
• The pain of feeling the emotion in the safety of the present isn't as bad as the original experience
• The pain of feeling the emotion is less than the pain and stress of holding it in


The heart chakra, a energy center in our chests seems to be connected with the expression of emotions and my ability to feel rapport with other's emotions. My emotional tension is stored mainly in my abdomen. Their expression involves my whole body. They can make me physically sick if ignored. I can have powerful emotional expressions during my aneros sessions. I can have my best sessions following these emotional releases. I spent more than 20 years doing this emotional healing practice but it was a flawed practice in not emphasizing the effort needed to understand what the emotions are telling us. This is my best understanding to date.

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What Mantak Chia says about sex between men and being a gay or bisexual man

(I've been reading Master Mantak Chia's book "Becoming a Multiorgasmic Man" and found this section on sex between men that was so important that I'm quoting him at length here. For more information and to buy his book go to http://www.amazon.com/Mantak-Chia/e/B000APK3LG/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1403538957&sr=8-2-ent)

Yang and Yang For Gay Men

China, like all civilizations, has long acknowledged the practice of homosexuality. Historically it was called lung-yang, after the name of a fourth-century B.c.prince’s male lover, or tuan-hsiu, “the cut sleeve,” recalling an emperor who was said to have cut off his sleeve to avoid waking his sleeping lover. Although sexual relationships between men were at times condoned and at other times discouraged by the imperial court – no doubt depending on who was sleeping in the royal
bed – Taoism has never condemned homosexuality. Taoism avoids condemning any part of human sexual experience, since it is all considered a part of the Tao. Rather, Taoism tries to teach people how to stay healthy, whatever their sexual preferences. Gay men simply need to know the practices that will help them have satisfying and healthy sexual relationships.

Can't Stop Till I Get Enough

A gay writer and activist was doing a radio interview about his book on life in the pre-AIDS bathhouses, where gay men often would have numerous sexual encounters per night. When asked about whether the desire for multiple sexual experiences is characteristic of gay men in general, the author shot back that it is characteristic of all male sexuality, but that straight men are usual y constrained by female sexuality. If, he continued, we really want to see what male sexuality is like, uninfluenced by female sexuality, we just need to look at gay men.

The Taoist understands this characteristic of male sexuality in terms of the properties of masculine energy, or yang (see chapter 5 for an explanation of yin and yang). Yang is active, volatile, and expansive. During heterosexual sex, the woman’s yin receives and balances the man’s yang. (As we mentioned in chapter 5, yin and yang are variable qualities that exist in both men and women. There are some men who are more yin and some women who are more yang. According to the Taoists the universe always seeks balance in relationships as in nature.) In general, when two gay men make love, each man’s yang charges the other’s, increasing rather than diminishing their sexual desire. Gay Healing Tao instructor B. J. Santerre explains the the other’s, increasing rather than diminishing their sexual desire...the value of multiple orgasms for gay men: “Gay men really need multiple orgasms. Most straight men are going to do it once or twice in an evening. For gay men it’s really common that they need more than that in a night. With this practice you are going to be able to fully satisfy this desire whether you have a partner or not.”

The expansiveness of yang energy is hard to contain and often will want to escape through the most direct route – the penis. It is no surprise that the object of much gay male sexuality, according to gay sex educator and healer Joseph Kramer, is “to get it up and off.” This emphasis on ejaculation is understandable because it allows you to satisfy your sexual desire; once a man ejaculates he becomes more yin – in other words, stable, internal, and contractive. To avoid this endless cycle of ejaculation, which is extremely depleting to your body and your immune system, you need to cultivate your own yin energy and to spread your expanding yang energy throughout your body. Channeling this energy and containing it is also, as we explained earlier, the way to become multi-orgasmic and to experience whole-body orgasms that will be more satisfying than the genital “getting off” that most men are accustomed to. As B. J. Santerre explains, “If you conserve your semen, you are going to be able to go back to the heydays when people would go to the bathhouses and have orgasms al night long. When you learn this practice, you are able to do the same thing, but you won’t exhaust yourself and you won’t even need to leave home!”

Cultivating Your Sexual Energy

Gay men, like all men, need to learn to circulate their sexual energy though their body both to expand their orgasms and to benefit from the power and healing potential of their sexual energy. During nonejaculatory sex, it is even more important for men to draw this energy up in order to satisfy their desire and transform the volatile sexual energy (ching-chi) into the more refined and stable chi. We discussed the techniques for circulating your sexual energy and for separating orgasm from ejaculation. Here we just want to describe the importance of these practices for gay men and gay male couples.

One multi-orgasmic gay man described his experience: “I had a lover in New York, and I was so much into the Tao, I said, ‘You have to get into it.’ I didn't give him a choice. When we felt like fooling around, we'd start playing with one another. When each of us would feel ready we would do the Big Draw at our own speed. When we did it together, even if we didn’t circulate the energy at the same time, we would be satisfied at the same point. We would fall asleep in two minutes. That sharing of energy keeps going on as you sleep in one another’s arms, because you are both charged with sexual energy."

As we said these practices can be done on your own or even if your partner is not “into the Tao.” As one multi-orgasmic gay man explained, "After pleasing myself or making love and doing the Big Draw four or five times, I am done. After that if the most gorgeous guy is right in front of me and he says, ‘Let me suck you off,' I’l say, ‘Please, leave me alone.’ I’m satisfied even though I haven't ejaculated.”

If you find you are having difficulty controlling your yang sexual energy, you may be in need of some balancing and calming yin energy. Fortunately, there are many sources of yin energy, since both yin and yang exist in all of nature, from the cosmic (earth and heaven) to the microcosmic (your body). Since each of us has both yin and yang, you can cultivate within yourself the qualities of yin such as gentleness, kindness, and self-respect. (For a ful er discussion of learning how to cultivate these qualities and how to deal with emotional imbalances, see Mantak Chia’s Taoist Ways to Transform Stress into Vitality.) From the environment, you can balance your energy by eating yin foods such as vegetables and fish or by absorbing yin energy directly from the earth. According to Taoism (as well as many other traditions), the earth is feminine (that is, yin). Men can absorb yin energy from the earth simply through spending time in nature and gardening or can absorb it in a more concentrated form by drawing energy up from the earth when practicing the Cool Draw.

Being Versatile

Most gay men are aware of the pleasure potential of their prostate and their anus (if you are not, see “Prostate” in chapter 2). Yet some gay men still disparage men who are “bottoms.” This attitude is not surprising given the negative stigma associated with “getting fucked" and the links in Western society between power and being on top. As we mentioned in chapter 5 in regard to heterosexual couples, Taoism sees the person on top not as dominating but as healing his or her partner. The person on top (or the more active partner) gives more sexual energy (and healing) to the person on the bottom (or the more passive partner). According to the Tao, everything that is active must also be passive, and therefore it is recommended that gay men be versatile – both "tops” and “bottoms." As one multi-orgasmic man explained, the sexual benefits are obvious: “A guy who has been both a top and a bottom is a great lover because he knows what it is like to satisfy his partner and to be satisfied. If you are only a top, you know only one version. The same if you are a bottom.” When you are the bottom, you also have the benefit of having your prostate massaged during anal intercourse. According to Stephen T. Chang in his book The Tao of Sexology, gay men who generally are bottoms have far fewer prostate problems than tops and heterosexual men.‘ Nevertheless, most men have their preference and may not want to experiment. If you are a top who is not willing to be a bottom, you can stil benefit from having your anus stimulated and from exercising your anal-sphincter muscle. B. J. Santerre explains: “When people think about penetration, everybody just thinks about a big ten-inch dick or a dildo, but it can be a small finger. Being penetrated needs some practice, like everything else. You need the proper partner to take it easy, and you need to relax those muscles. It’s not on the first day that you are going to get fucked. And if you don’t like to be penetrated, you can stil play with your anus. Even stimulating the outside of the anus is very important because you can strengthen your butt muscles, which are essential for circulating the sexual energy. It is also worth mentioning that bottoms can be active as wel as passive. The more you exercise your PC muscle and your anal sphincter, the more you can massage your partner’s penis and pleasure both of you. B. J. Santerre continues: “If your anus is really strong, you are going to be a great fuck for your partner. You are going to massage his penis as he is penetrating you. You are not totally passive and just waiting for it to happen. You take part in it by contracting and releasing the lower part or the higher part. You can contract it real y fast two or three times in a row or just let your partner get a little bit deeper and surprise him by squeezing it.”

Gay and straight men who are just beginning to experiment with anal stimulation sometimes worry that they may tear the skin of the anus or the colon. The solution here is simply to use enough lubrication and to have a gentle partner. Other gay men worry whether repeated anal sex will weaken their anal sphincter. There is no evidence to suggest that this is the case, and anal sex may in fact strengthen the muscles of your anus. Nonetheless, if you are concerned or feel that your anal muscles are weak, you can try the sphincter exercise to strengthen them.

(The author goes on to write about Monogamy and Multiple Partners and Safer Sex. The whole book is a good read and important for every man. I encourage everyone to read this book. For a detailed description of cultivating your sexual energy, drawing it up your spine and the Big Draw, read my Breathing Meditation blog here below)

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Encounters with remarkable people

What is internet chat? Real time verbal interactions between people that can influence the minds of both in sometimes surprising directions and can potentially change one or both. Usually it's just fun banter with a natural rhythm and sometimes amusing chatter. Or boring. Occasionally I get the extraordinary encounters when I least expect it. Someone will slip into my heart somehow and I'll fall in love or feel a connection or emotion coming from them, or they'll feel an emotion coming from me. Sometimes I'll feel them physically touch my body, usually sexually but not always. Rarely I feel someone's negative angry energy. The actual talk can be about anything but acknowledges the extraordinary connection going on and calls for more presence of mind and focus. I've always remember doing this in face to face encounters in the past but have been too shy and insecure to fully participate. I would usually use my knowledge of our connection to hide behind their expectations of me and disappoint both of us. Now I can be fully present. They still surprise me and can make me feel nervous but I can better deal with that. I was a moderator of a discussion group for years and got to know the chatters from their words and my impressions as well as actually meeting some of them. It was a reality check. This was a group of people involved in a emotional healing technique of discharging emotions physically. I got to know and like many of these people and felt connections to them that have persisted. So I'm used to reading between the lines of chatter to the essential person. Some of my most remarkable encounters here been with a pair of individuals who are lovers and sought me out for some reason. I get powerful but different beautiful physical, emotional and sexual reactions from both of them. I'm always surprised the next day when I remember our encounters. I fell in love simultaneously with someone else here once that surprised both of us. That was about the time my heart chakra was opening but that's another blog. Then there are the many private chats with people that leave both of us feeling a connection that's real. I think of the many guys who coached me in aneros and who I coached. There's a special place in my heart for them. I like the light touch of the typical banter as well. Of course there's nothing like being physical present with someone, being close enough to touch and be touched. Sometimes that's even too much for me but I want and need it all the same. What am I talking about? If you have to ask...

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Breathing meditation - revised

Guided breathing meditation

I duplicated this entry because I edited it and wanted it at the top of my blogs. this meditation is a very simplified kundalini Circular Breathing, Tantric Cool Draw or Chinese Microcosmic Orbit. I've also edited this blog after getting feedback from my Tai Chi teacher.

I've started my sessions recently with this breathing exercise that I put together from several sources especially my intuition. I do it with any model aneros prostate massager or without any aneros at all, sitting, lying down or standing. I like it because it gets me aroused from within without any stimulation. It may be of interest to men who have trouble getting aroused. I don't know if it will work for anyone else but me. Let me know if it works for you.



stage 1 oral breathing - to relax and circulate oxygen - good place to start your first session

Breathe into your abdomen relaxedly with your diaphragm, don't use your chest muscles.

You can put your hand beneath your navel to remind you and guide your breath to your belly. Feel your breath expand your belly. You can feel your tail bone arch away from your body.

With your mouth closed pull in air smoothly and slowly and gently through your nose.

Feel it as it flows down your throat into your chest.

Pause briefly, and then push the air out while saying"ahhhh" deeply so you feel it in your belly.

Exhale slowly and feel the air flow up out of your chest, up your throat and out your lips. Feel your abdomen tighten as it pushes the air out. Feel your tail bone arch forward now.

Pause briefly again and start over.

If you feel uncomfortably light-headed, slow down and take smaller breaths.

If you feel shortness of breath, take a deep breath and adjust your breathing so you're getting enough air.

Do this as much as you need to feel comfortable and natural doing this.

By breathing this way you're expanding your lungs with the least effort, oxygenating blood for your heart to send to every cell in your body.

This should be the pace of your breathing through the next steps.



stage 2 body breathing - to immerse yourself in your body and circulate your awareness around your body

Now imagine that your whole body is breathing "air" through your body with your awareness as you were doing through your nose.

While you are breathing in normally through your nose, imagine you are inhaling "air" up your back to your head, back down your front, throat, chest, abdomen, penis and prostate and anus.

Follow the "air" with your awareness.

Imagine you are pulling cool "air" up your back when you inhale through your mouth.

Inhale slow enough for your awareness to follow the "air" up your back to your head.

Pause briefly when the "air" is in your head.

Then imagine you are gently pushing the "air" down the front of your body as you exhale, through your throat, chest, abdomen, penis, scrotum, prostate and anus.

Do this until your awareness is in one smooth motion as you imagine it travelling from your back around your head and back down your front.

You should try to locate and feel these parts of your body as you breathe but don't stop if you miss a landmark, keep breathing smoothly. Say"ahhhh" or moan as you exhale and feel the vibration in your belly.

Keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth throughout this exercise and the following ones. That will keep the energy moving around your body.

At this point you and your body should be breathing together effortlessly and without thinking.



stage 3 body energy breathing - to feel energy circulating in your body

After a while look for signs from your body that it is breathing with you.

You may feel coolness around your anus as you breathe in and a slight contraction.

You may feel a little light-headed when it reaches your head, you may feel warmth or heat when it reaches your heart, you may feel tingling, sexual feelings, prostate engorging when it passes through your perineum.

This is energy flowing through your body.

You can amplify the energy with each breath.

You can send energy remotely from your heart when you feel the warmth if you want or send it down your body and around again to accumulate energy.

When your awareness reaches your heart, you may feel an emotion, your body may feel like sobbing or shaking.

You can just take note of this or if its very strong, you may pause to express the emotion, really feel it. Just let go and let your body shake or sob. You don't have to analyze the emotion, just feel it. You'll probably understand it in time.

When the emotion has passed you can resume energy breathing. Soon your whole body may seem to be radiating heat. You are now aroused.

stage 4 sexual arousal breathing - to amplify your arousal with sexual energy

At some point, contract your outer anal sphincter slightly and notice if pleasure waves are now travelling from your anus up your back and down your front.

Keep checking periodically for this.

When this happens, you can circulate sexual energy and pleasure around your body like you did with air and energy.

you can amplify sexual energy as you breathe this way

At some point it may become unnecessary to concentrate on your breathing this way as your body becomes completely sexual and you are just breathing sexual energy in and out!

My breathing moves the aneros device with each breath and gently massages my prostate, like petting a kitten. Since my breathing is creating the pleasure waves, I can go as long as I want this way without doing anything else as long as I breathe this way

At this point you might bump up the arousal by thinking of something that turns you on or someone who you're attracted to.

This is a form of the Cool Draw Tantric breathing, Chinese Microcosmic Breathing or Kundalini Circular Breathing. I find this is good for balancing my sexual energy and emotions.

The Big Draw technique has you drawing sexual energy up your spine, accumulating it in your head and keeping it there without your tongue touching the roof of your palate. When you let your tongue touch your palate, the energy flows down the front of your body. Try it!

You are now breathing pleasure.

This exercise takes me about half an hour or more to get to this point so be patient. You'll know if you're on track or not by following the steps and looking for landmarks. As I said, I don't know if this will work for anyone else.

One of the nice things about this is that I can do this any time of the day without the aneros device. I do this kind of breathing automatically most of the time now.


I recently started to feel warm waves coming from my heart to the rest of my body whenever I felt a emotion or felt aroused. I had never felt this before. This warmth was like the warmth I felt during my breathing meditation but was more intense, full body and occurred with emotion or arousal, not when meditating. I interpret this as my heart chakra opening. I don't know how it opened but suspect it had something to do with the breathing meditation and my experience with expressing emotion.

The breathing meditation follows the chakras from the crown, brow, throat chest, solar plexus, abdomen and root, around and up the spine again. Aneros can open the root chakra. I'm just learning about this from my teachers, readings and experiences.

I may have gotten some things wrong. Please let me know.

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Coming out

I've been thinking about how I came out as gay at 32 years old recently. I noticed in chat how straight people don't understand what an earth shaking event it is to initially acknowledge yourself as gay. Some people come out early and some later but is it always a big change in how we think of ourselves. I cam out after 32 years of being afraid of that side of me that is sexually and emotionally attrracted to other men. And it IS an emotional attachment as well as sexual. That's a lot of fear. What made it possible for me to come out was a gradual bonding with people I trusted, who respected me and wanted the best for me. I was at a weekend workshop in the country with the peer counseling group I belonged to then. The purpose of the group was to exchange roles listening to the other one and eliciting emotions that may be blocking our developement. Anyway I was sitting under a tree with a young man holdiong hands (this is how we counselled each other) and taking turns telling our deepest secrets. At some point when I was getting his attention, I noticed how good I felt with him, safe enough to feel attracted and NOTICE that I was attracted. I did not tell even him but I thought to myself "this means I'm gay". I had not thought this (that I am gay) in years, since I was a teen, and had immediately shut that thought out of my mind for decades. I was not ready to look at that side of myself. I had been living a sexless life, nominally heterosexual, dating off and on since. I took this thought to an older woman friend in this group and asked her to listen to me. She was the first one that I told. She held me for more than an hour while I shook mostly and cried, trying to process this. I felt like I had died. I felt horrible. I understood why some guys killed themselves rather than face this. It's a new identity that I was handed and I could choose to accept the new identity or continue to live a lie. Some choice! And I had an ideal setting for coming out too!

It took me many months to get over the feeling of having died. I doubt that all gays feel this way but many must. I had a lot to learn. I didn't know anything except that men attracted me sexually and emotionally and women didn't. I confess that I've always felt a little repelled by the thought of sex with women but thought it was normal. What did I know? I had to change my self image, WHO I thought I was, even as I didn't know or trust my old self. I had to learn how to relate to men and women differently, as a sexual man for the first time in my life. I had to learn about love and falling in love. I had to find gay friends. I found that I already had gay friends but didn't know they were gay. I had to learn how to come out to my friends and family, my employer and neighbors, and whether that made sense. I had to learn to protect myself as best I could (which is not much). I didn't know where to start.

Fortunately a young straight man at school took me under his wings. We were friends already so I mentioned that I am gay. He's black so knew about discrimination and had a lot of gay friends. Then my first lover introduced me to a lot of people and love making. He was perfect for me. My friends turned out to be very gay friendly or gay/bisexual so we had a good time. I lost a few friends when I came out to them which hurt. But the friends who remained were solid friendships.

Mr point in relaying all this is to say it takes a lot of safety, trust, and time to come out. It can't be done FOR you because it may be experienced as an assault on one's identity and a crisis. This may not happen but I don't want to take the risk with another man's life. I chat privately with many men who question their sexual identity after learning the pleasures of anal play, ALWAYS in private and ALWAYS let them figure things out for themselves. It takes time to build trust with someone enough to look at these things so I don't rush them or give them easy answers. Mostly I just ask questions which make them think. It's okay if they don't know the answer. This is THEIR life, something NOT to be taken casually and discussed in public unless they give me permission. I make a distinction between having sexually attractions to same gender people and identifying as gay or bisexual, two separate things. this is NOT something many straight people will have had to go through. I don't think so anyway having identified as straight for 32 years.


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things to come?

Hopeful-MMO posed an interesting proposition, "If Every Man Had an Aneros". Here's my take:

men would discover a new world of bliss.

men would learn to understand and appreciate their bodies.

women would be grateful.

there would be more"wanted" babies as they got control of their sexuality.

families would be stronger, more loving, more sexual.

men would be less"productive" until they had explored themselves.

then they would find new ways to be productive, more meaningful ways.

straight men would be more understanding of gay and bisexual men, and some would be curious.

boys would grow up knowing about their bodies and learn not to be as competitive and aggressive.

gay men would be completely accepted.

new industries and culture would develop organically as the men understood what they really value and make it real.

the arts would flouris and be valued.

like the middle ages when troubadours brought the joys of romantic love to people who were under the yoke of religion and social obligations, a new kind of love would revolutionize the culture.

until then, the lizard brained elite would fight this trend as they see their profits and wars go away.

some of the elite would come over to our side and use their power to promote the new men.

many elite would fight back. they live off our fears and lusts that comes from the ancient lizard brain. they know how to manipulate us.

some of us would revert to the security of the old fears and lusts.

most would not.

babies and children would be better cared for and understood.

intuitive men would flourish and become more adept. they would be better understood and accepted.

new psychic abilities would emerge.

society would split into the new men and the old men. the new men would not be afraid of the old men but the old men would keep their distance and continue the old ways.

women would be inclined to favor the new men so they're offspring would increase.

the elite would use every dirty trick to stop the new men. I'd rather not think about what.

the new people would live more in the present and their lives would be enriched.

there would be less need for medication especially psychiatric, as people became more grounded.

some religions would fight this trend because of the sexual freedom. others would be enriched.

gay men would be more loving and less risk-taking. long-lasting multiple relationships would develop. same with the non-gay folks.

connections to others would be the most important thing as men reestablish connections to our real selves.

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This and that

I've noticed that for me the butterflies in the stomach can mean either I'm aroused or I'm scared. If I focus on breathing, I can either calm myself down or explore the arousal. Yesterday I tried for the calmness but got the anxiety instead. There was nothing sexual at hand and I was being hit by bad vibes )from my spouse while I was driving tho car LOL(.

I don't know why the body energy thing isn't discussed much here. To me it's at least as important as multiple prostate orgasms.I am using my hands to move body energy around and to stimulate contractions. The energy feels like a feather that follows my hand if I hover it an inch or so over my skin. The energy that starts contractions is more powerful, like a mild e-stim. This is totally amazing to me and seems like magic but it's real. Maybe you have to experience it to understand it. I wasn't interested until I was shown that I could feel it.

I'm at a nice plateau now, calm seas for a long time, and learning new things about myself every day. I feel trapped in it sometimes when I become jealous of other men having super Os on the first day. I try to believe that if I continue exploring, I'll eventually land in a super orgasm. I'm learning to trust my body more. But seeing someone experiencing a super orgasm scares me, IDK why.

I also noticed that I got emotionally labile* around the full moon this month. Emotions were right on top and leaked out occasionally. Wonder what that means?

*labile:
1. Open to change; adaptable: an emotionally labile person.
2. Chemistry Constantly undergoing or likely to undergo change; unstable

I found out that I have 3 percent Neanderthal DNA recently. It's not rare but most people don't have any. The Neanderthals interbred with modern humans tens of thousands of years ago but they were here more than a hundred thousand years before modern humans. I feel lucky to have the old one's blood in my veins. But that's another blog.

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My Breathing Meditation

Guided breathing meditation - this is a duplicate - see the earlier version above

)more edits. this meditation is similar to kundalini circular breathing(

)I've edited this blog after getting feedback from my Tai Chi teacher.(

I've started my sessions recently with this breathing exercise that I put together from several sources. I do it with any model aneros prostate massager. I like it because it gets me aroused from within without any stimulation. It may be of interest to men who have trouble getting aroused. I don't know if it will work for anyone else but me. Let me know if it works for you.

stage 1 oral breathing - to relax and circulate oxygen

Breathe into your abdomen relaxedly with your diaphragm, don't use your chest muscles.

You can put your hand beneath your navel to remind you and guide your breath to your belly.

With your mouth closed pull in air smoothly and slowly and gently through your nose.

Feel it as it flows down your throat into your chest.

Pause briefly, and then push the air out while saying"ahhhh" deeply so you feel it in your belly.

Exhale slowly and feel the air flow up out of your chest, up your throat and out your lips.

Pause briefly again and start over.

If you feel uncomfortably light-headed, slow down and take smaller breaths.

If you feel shortness of breath, take a deep breath and adjust your breathing so you're getting enough air.

Do this as much as you need to feel comfortable and natural doing this.

By breathing this way you're expanding your lungs with the least effort, oxygenating blood for your heart to send to every cell in your body.

This should be the pace of your breathing through the next steps.


stage 2 body breathing - to immerse yourself in your body and circulate your awareness around your body

Now imagine that your whole body is breathing "air" through your body with your awareness as you were doing through your nose.

While you are breathing in normally through your nose, imagine you are inhaling "air" up your back to your head, back down your front, throat, chest, abdomen, penis and prostate and anus.

Follow the "air" with your awareness.

Imagine you are pulling cool "air" up your back when you inhale through your mouth.

Inhale slow enough for your awareness to follow the "air" up your back to your head.

Pause briefly when the "air" is in your head.

Then imagine you are gently pushing the "air" down the front of your body as you exhale, through your throat, chest, abdomen, penis, scrotum, prostate and anus.

Do this until your awareness is in one smooth motion as you imagine it travelling from your back around your head and back down your front.

You should try to locate and feel these parts of your body as you breathe but don't stop if you miss a landmark, keep breathing smoothly. Say"ahhhh" or moan as you exhale and feel the vibration in your belly.

At this point you and your body should be breathing together effortlessly and without thinking.


stage 3 body energy breathing - to feel energy circulating in your body

After a while look for signs from your body that it is breathing with you.

You may feel coolness around your anus as you breathe in and a slight contraction.

You may feel a little light-headed when it reaches your head, you may feel warmth or heat when it reaches your heart, you may feel tingling, sexual feelings, prostate engorging when it passes through your perineum.

This is energy flowing through your body.

You can amplify the energy with each breath.

You can send energy remotely from your heart when you feel the warmth if you want or send it down your body and around again to accumulate energy.

When your awareness reaches your heart, you may feel an emotion, your body may feel like sobbing or shaking.

You can just take note of this or if its very strong, you may pause to express the emotion, really feel it. Let your body shake or sob. Don't analyze the emotion, just feel it. You'll probably understand it in time.

When the emotion has passed you can resume energy breathing. Soon your whole body may seem to be radiating heat. You are now aroused.

stage 4 sexual arousal breathing - to amplify your arousal with sexual energy

At some point, contract your outer anal sphincter slightly and notice if pleasure waves are now travelling from your anus up your back and down your front.

Keep checking periodically for this.

When this happens, you can circulate sexual energy and pleasure around your body like you did with air and energy.

you can amplify sexual energy as you breathe this way

At some point it may become unnecessary to concentrate on your breathing this way as your body becomes completely sexual and you are just breathing sexual energy in and out!

My breathing moves the aneros device with each breath and gently massages my prostate, like petting a kitten. Since my breathing is creating the pleasure waves, I can go as long as I want this way without doing anything else as long as I breathe this way

At this point you might bump up the arousal by thinking of something that turns you on or someone who you're attracted to.

You are now breathing pleasure.

This exercise takes me about half an hour or more to get to this point so be patient. You'll know if you're on track or not by following the steps and looking for landmarks. As I said, I don't know if this will work for anyone else.

One of the nice things about this is that I can do this any time of the day without the aneros device.


I recently started to feel warm waves coming from my heart to the rest of my body whenever I felt a emotion or felt aroused. I had never felt this before. This warmth was like the warmth I felt during my breathing meditation but was more intense, full body and occurred with emotion or arousal, not when meditating. I interpret this as my heart chakra opening. I don't know how it opened but suspect it had something to do with the breathing meditation and my experience with expressing emotion.


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