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Aneros Blogs > euphemisms (by euphemistic)

Coming out

I've been thinking about how I came out as gay at 32 years old recently. I noticed in chat how straight people don't understand what an earth shaking event it is to initially acknowledge yourself as gay. Some people come out early and some later but is it always a big change in how we think of ourselves. I cam out after 32 years of being afraid of that side of me that is sexually and emotionally attrracted to other men. And it IS an emotional attachment as well as sexual. That's a lot of fear. What made it possible for me to come out was a gradual bonding with people I trusted, who respected me and wanted the best for me. I was at a weekend workshop in the country with the peer counseling group I belonged to then. The purpose of the group was to exchange roles listening to the other one and eliciting emotions that may be blocking our developement. Anyway I was sitting under a tree with a young man holdiong hands (this is how we counselled each other) and taking turns telling our deepest secrets. At some point when I was getting his attention, I noticed how good I felt with him, safe enough to feel attracted and NOTICE that I was attracted. I did not tell even him but I thought to myself "this means I'm gay". I had not thought this (that I am gay) in years, since I was a teen, and had immediately shut that thought out of my mind for decades. I was not ready to look at that side of myself. I had been living a sexless life, nominally heterosexual, dating off and on since. I took this thought to an older woman friend in this group and asked her to listen to me. She was the first one that I told. She held me for more than an hour while I shook mostly and cried, trying to process this. I felt like I had died. I felt horrible. I understood why some guys killed themselves rather than face this. It's a new identity that I was handed and I could choose to accept the new identity or continue to live a lie. Some choice! And I had an ideal setting for coming out too!

It took me many months to get over the feeling of having died. I doubt that all gays feel this way but many must. I had a lot to learn. I didn't know anything except that men attracted me sexually and emotionally and women didn't. I confess that I've always felt a little repelled by the thought of sex with women but thought it was normal. What did I know? I had to change my self image, WHO I thought I was, even as I didn't know or trust my old self. I had to learn how to relate to men and women differently, as a sexual man for the first time in my life. I had to learn about love and falling in love. I had to find gay friends. I found that I already had gay friends but didn't know they were gay. I had to learn how to come out to my friends and family, my employer and neighbors, and whether that made sense. I had to learn to protect myself as best I could (which is not much). I didn't know where to start.

Fortunately a young straight man at school took me under his wings. We were friends already so I mentioned that I am gay. He's black so knew about discrimination and had a lot of gay friends. Then my first lover introduced me to a lot of people and love making. He was perfect for me. My friends turned out to be very gay friendly or gay/bisexual so we had a good time. I lost a few friends when I came out to them which hurt. But the friends who remained were solid friendships.

Mr point in relaying all this is to say it takes a lot of safety, trust, and time to come out. It can't be done FOR you because it may be experienced as an assault on one's identity and a crisis. This may not happen but I don't want to take the risk with another man's life. I chat privately with many men who question their sexual identity after learning the pleasures of anal play, ALWAYS in private and ALWAYS let them figure things out for themselves. It takes time to build trust with someone enough to look at these things so I don't rush them or give them easy answers. Mostly I just ask questions which make them think. It's okay if they don't know the answer. This is THEIR life, something NOT to be taken casually and discussed in public unless they give me permission. I make a distinction between having sexually attractions to same gender people and identifying as gay or bisexual, two separate things. this is NOT something many straight people will have had to go through. I don't think so anyway having identified as straight for 32 years.


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things to come?

Hopeful-MMO posed an interesting proposition, "If Every Man Had an Aneros". Here's my take:

men would discover a new world of bliss.

men would learn to understand and appreciate their bodies.

women would be grateful.

there would be more"wanted" babies as they got control of their sexuality.

families would be stronger, more loving, more sexual.

men would be less"productive" until they had explored themselves.

then they would find new ways to be productive, more meaningful ways.

straight men would be more understanding of gay and bisexual men, and some would be curious.

boys would grow up knowing about their bodies and learn not to be as competitive and aggressive.

gay men would be completely accepted.

new industries and culture would develop organically as the men understood what they really value and make it real.

the arts would flouris and be valued.

like the middle ages when troubadours brought the joys of romantic love to people who were under the yoke of religion and social obligations, a new kind of love would revolutionize the culture.

until then, the lizard brained elite would fight this trend as they see their profits and wars go away.

some of the elite would come over to our side and use their power to promote the new men.

many elite would fight back. they live off our fears and lusts that comes from the ancient lizard brain. they know how to manipulate us.

some of us would revert to the security of the old fears and lusts.

most would not.

babies and children would be better cared for and understood.

intuitive men would flourish and become more adept. they would be better understood and accepted.

new psychic abilities would emerge.

society would split into the new men and the old men. the new men would not be afraid of the old men but the old men would keep their distance and continue the old ways.

women would be inclined to favor the new men so they're offspring would increase.

the elite would use every dirty trick to stop the new men. I'd rather not think about what.

the new people would live more in the present and their lives would be enriched.

there would be less need for medication especially psychiatric, as people became more grounded.

some religions would fight this trend because of the sexual freedom. others would be enriched.

gay men would be more loving and less risk-taking. long-lasting multiple relationships would develop. same with the non-gay folks.

connections to others would be the most important thing as men reestablish connections to our real selves.

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This and that

I've noticed that for me the butterflies in the stomach can mean either I'm aroused or I'm scared. If I focus on breathing, I can either calm myself down or explore the arousal. Yesterday I tried for the calmness but got the anxiety instead. There was nothing sexual at hand and I was being hit by bad vibes )from my spouse while I was driving tho car LOL(.

I don't know why the body energy thing isn't discussed much here. To me it's at least as important as multiple prostate orgasms.I am using my hands to move body energy around and to stimulate contractions. The energy feels like a feather that follows my hand if I hover it an inch or so over my skin. The energy that starts contractions is more powerful, like a mild e-stim. This is totally amazing to me and seems like magic but it's real. Maybe you have to experience it to understand it. I wasn't interested until I was shown that I could feel it.

I'm at a nice plateau now, calm seas for a long time, and learning new things about myself every day. I feel trapped in it sometimes when I become jealous of other men having super Os on the first day. I try to believe that if I continue exploring, I'll eventually land in a super orgasm. I'm learning to trust my body more. But seeing someone experiencing a super orgasm scares me, IDK why.

I also noticed that I got emotionally labile* around the full moon this month. Emotions were right on top and leaked out occasionally. Wonder what that means?

*labile:
1. Open to change; adaptable: an emotionally labile person.
2. Chemistry Constantly undergoing or likely to undergo change; unstable

I found out that I have 3 percent Neanderthal DNA recently. It's not rare but most people don't have any. The Neanderthals interbred with modern humans tens of thousands of years ago but they were here more than a hundred thousand years before modern humans. I feel lucky to have the old one's blood in my veins. But that's another blog.

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My Breathing Meditation

Guided breathing meditation

)I've edited this blog after getting feedback from my Tai Chi teacher.(

I've started my sessions recently with this breathing exercise that I put together from several sources. I do it with any model aneros prostate massager. I like it because it gets me aroused from within without any stimulation. It may be of interest to men who have trouble getting aroused. I don't know if it will work for anyone else but me. Let me know if it works for you.

stage 1 oral breathing - to relax and circulate oxygen

Breathe into your abdomen relaxedly with your diaphragm, don't use your chest muscles.

With your mouth closed pull in air smoothly and slowly and gently through your nose.

Feel it as it flows down your throat into your chest.

Pause briefly, and then push the air out while saying"ahhhh" deeply so you feel it in your belly.

Exhale slowly and feel the air flow up out of your chest, up your throat and out your lips.

Pause briefly again and start over.

If you feel uncomfortably light-headed, slow down and take smaller breaths.

If you feel shortness of breath, take a deep breath and adjust your breathing so you're getting enough air.

Do this as much as you need to feel comfortable and natural doing this.

By breathing this way you're expanding your lungs with the least effort, oxygenating blood for your heart to send to every cell in your body.

This should be the pace of your breathing through the next steps.


stage 2 body breathing - to immerse yourself in your body and circulate your awareness around your body

Now imagine that your whole body is breathing "air" through your body with your awareness as you were doing through your nose.

While you are breathing in normally through your nose, imagine you are inhaling "air" up your back to your head, back down your front, throat, chest,abdomen, penis and prostate and anus.

Follow the "air" with your awareness.

Imagine you are pulling cool "air" up your back when you inhale through your mouth.

Inhale slow enough for your awareness to follow the "air" up your back to your head.

Pause briefly when the "air" is in your head.

Then imagine you are gently pushing the "air" down the front of your body as you exhale, through your throat, chest, abdomen, penis, scrotum, prostate and anus.

Do this until your awareness is in one smooth motion as you imagine it travelling from your back around your head and back down your front.

You should try to locate and feel these parts of your body as you breathe but don't stop if you miss a landmark, keep breathing smoothly. Say"ahhhh" or moan as you exhale and feel the vibration in your belly.

At this point you and your body should be breathing together effortlessly and without thinking.


stage 3 body energy breathing - to feel energy circulating in your body

After a while look for signs from your body that it is breathing with you.

You may feel coolness around your anus as you breathe in.

You may feel a little light-headed when it reaches your head, you may feel warmth or heat when it reaches your heart, you may feel tingling, sexual feelings, prostate engorging when it passes through your perineum.

This is energy flowing through your body.

You can amplify the energy with each breath.

You can send energy remotely from your heart when you feel the warmth if you want or send it down your body and around again to accumulate energy.

When your awareness reaches your heart, you may feel an emotion, your body may feel like sobbing or shaking.

You can just take note of this or if its very strong, you may pause to express the emotion, really feel it. Let your body shake or sob. Don't analyze the emotion, just feel it. You'll probably understand it in time.

When the emotion has passed you can resume energy breathing. Soon your whole body may seem to be radiating heat. You are now aroused.

stage 4 sexual arousal breathing - to amplify your arousal with sexual energy

At some point, contract your outer anal sphincter slightly and notice if pleasure waves are now travelling from your anus up your back and down your front.

Keep checking periodically for this.

When this happens, you can circulate sexual energy and pleasure around your body like you did with air and energy.

you can amplify sexual energy as you breathe this way

At some point it may become unnecessary to concentrate on your breathing this way as your body becomes completely sexual and you are just breathing sexual energy in and out!

My breathing moves the aneros device with each breath and gently massages my prostate, like petting a kitten. Since my breathing is creating the pleasure waves, I can go as long as I want this way without doing anything else as long as I breathe this way

At this point you might bump up the arousal by thinking of something that turns you on or someone who you're attracted to.

You are now breathing pleasure.

This exercise takes me about half an hour or more to get to this point so be patient. You'll know if you're on track or not by following the steps and looking for landmarks. As I said, I don't know if this will work for anyone else.

One of the nice things about this is that I can do this any time of the day without the aneros device.

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Song of Men

I like men. Not just because I'm gay though. I like men's spirit, style, temperament, everything about men. I think we are completely good. That's my attitude. Born good and good deep down, always. Sometimes it's hard for me to see the good in particular men because of the way they've been hurt and the choices they've made as a consequence. I like everything about men and about who I am. I like men's essential innocence, even when being naughty. Men are so sexy, whatever their orientation. And so into sex. I like men's individuality, even when connecting to me. I like our bodies, our form factor, our robustness. I like our inquisitiveness, our inventiveness, our imagination. I like the tone of our voices, low and comforting, especially first thing in the morning. I fondly remember my father's voice in the morning, sweet and low. I like being with men, all kinds of men, playing, working, chatting. Gay men for me are at another level of closeness of course. And I like women too, I like their differences from men. They're so different!

Sometimes I picture the young boy in the man. I feel sorry for all the hurts most boys have to endure while maturing. I think we are deeply but unwittingly abused by our parents, our peers, our culture, more or less. I'm talking about the universal expectation that boys have to be a certain way or else they cannot become men like their fathers. I remember when my father stopped holding me, the coldness of that loss. And I like our resilience when we overcome these obstacles to our humanness.

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What a day

I could get used to this. Exchanged help with someone in chat by taking turns listening to each other at bedtime which made me happy. Many mini orgasms overnight and on awakening. Had my usual dose of monatomic white gold sublingual. Practice and a demonstration of exchanging energy remotely on chat this afternoon. Then someone reminded me that it's been a long time since last I jacked off and it was healthy to do it occasionally. I began another session, got into calm seas orgasms and some mini orgasms when I cupped my scrotum with my hand. This got my penis into the act unsurprisingly. What did surprise me was that I was feeling pleasure from both my penis and my prostate at the same time. I felt the pleasure of jacking off and having mini prostate orgasms at the same time, doubled my pleasure. My attention seemed to be balanced between the two, each one reinforcing the other. I had plenty of time to leisurely notice the orgasms leading up to the two ejaculations. I didn't know where this would lead, to a super O or to ejaculation, I didn't care which. I was just swimming in the orgasmic seas. I noticed that I didn't feel like ejaculating until I thought of my semen traveling up my penis and the muscles shooting it out. My body is still tingling. What a day.

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Angels at the gate or aneros psychotherapy

something new came up during this afternoon's session. I was doing nothing, just aware of the aneros caressing my prostate and pleasuring me and doing the tantric breathing. I was just going along this way and the thought popped into my head that something else is blocking my way to more pleasure. When the energy of the tantric breathing reached my heart it transformed into mostly tears and some shaking. It took a while of sobbing, getting more intense and louder, to get to the root of the grief.

I've been anxious my whole life, probably since I was born. My mother and I almost died during childbirth. Then I was scalded with boiling water when I was a year old. I've always felt that I was different but when I reached puberty, I found out what that difference was. I immediacy suppressed that discovery until my 32nd year when I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. All this has kept me in a constant state of vigilance, hiding myself for my survival. I became like a chameleon who is constantly adjusting itself to blend in, to meet other people's needs, not my own. Consequently my ego is like putty, malleable according to who I'm with to an extreme degree. We all do something like this I suspect, but most people have a solid sense of who they are to fall back on. It's hard to explain.

Why this came up now is that I'm intending to surrender to these new inner experiences by ditching my ego, and I'm afraid (as usual) that I won't have anything to come back to when it's over. In other words I don't have an ego that's solid enough.I had a similar experience with dropping acid in the 70's and almost didn't make it back. At that time I prayed to Mary and she pulled me together.

Anyway, this is my "angels at the gate", frightening guardians of Eden, obstacles to be overcome. My fears are all old stuff now, the nebulous anxiety about survival, leftover from childhood. I know that I will survive the old fears, that I have, in fact, survived. I need to be true to myself at all times and continue my aneros psychotherapy. To be continued...

Several hours later;

My breathing has become completely tantric during this aneros session. The Breathing movements of my chest and abdomen continually create pleasure with each breath. I can stay in this place as long as I am breathing. When I have to end the session, I notice that I'm still breathing the same way but the pleasure is much less intense. I guess my breathing is rewired!

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More miscellaneus

Just learning how to "suck" energy up my spine to my chest, head and back down my chest/heart, abdomen penis and prostate. Feels like a hot or icy hot wave that follows my breath and my attention around my trunk, amazing. The base of my spine feels very cool, temperature-wise. Don't know exactly what I'm doing except Jmay talked about this sucking energy around before and now I understand what he meant. If I do this a few times, the energy seems to equalize throughout my body. This is fun to do! I'm riding the progasm of course while I'm doing this. Got to learn more about this stuff.

Still reeling after Brine's "primal" event last night, never seen anything like it. Men gathered around him )virtually( participating in his session, feeding his pleasure and being fed by it, me included. Like something out of a prehistoric men's society initiation ritual. Do I hear drums beating? Very powerful.

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Miscellaneous

My best sessions are on awakening, I'm relaxed, breathing easy, quiet, focused on my body and ready to receive pleasure. These are asexual sessions which means I'm not turned on or stimulating myself in any way. I figure I'm aroused by the life force within me or whatever you want to call it. It's something that's with me all the time but is hard for me to access when my brain is engaged. During the day when I have a session, the force is with me but seems to be muted, I'm guessing because of mental distractions. I need erotic stimulation to access the orgasmic feelings during day sessions and even so, it's not the same. they're both wonderful, just different.

Tonight I experimented with a new lube administration, shea butter through a syringe and a butt plug. I got the syringe and plug combo from Rite Aide which they sell as a liquid medication dispenser for babies. I guess the butt plug is actually supposed to represent a nipple for the infant to suck on but I re-purposed it. It's a conical tip that one puts on the end of the syringe, and has a hole through it for passage of the med. It fits in my rear perfectly up to but not past the first sphincter. I take the plunger out, heat the barrel of the syringe in warm water, then push it into the jar of shea butter to fill it. Then I replace the plunger, push the butter to the tip, put the butt plug on the tip and it's then ready to go for my next session. The rest is self-explanatory.

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less a blog

I rode the MGX all night and woke up periodically for mini orgasms and went back to sleep. Whilst I was in the bathtub this morning for my usual 1-2 hour soak and chatting with the guys about less sessions, I began to have one. But that wasn't unexpected. What was unexpected was I started to feel the same warmth radiating from the area of my heart that usually I feel coming from my loins! I was feeling particularly relaxed and really enjoying the company at the time. It felt like the onset of an emotion except different, no tears or shivers. Just a warm glow flowing from my heart through the rest of my body. I didn't believe it at first, I thought I was just feeling an emotion. I'm feeling it right now as I write. It reminds me of when I felt love but this was more general, like love of everything. now I'm getting a similar sensation of warmth from my head! what's going on? I haven't seen anyone describing this.

perhaps it's because I've been starved for men's attention for so long and now I'm basking in it. perhaps I'm in a high place looking down and feeling good about what I see. The warmth is now filling me. Maybe it's just that the orgasmic feelings are climbing up me and I'm not used to it. I don't know.

Later that same day...

I went back to that same place with my eupho syn to be sure I wasn't imagining anything and continue exploring. I found that feeling of love was continuous with the orgasmic feelings coming from my heart. I could go back and forth from one to the other and feel both at the same time. This is real! Perhaps it's more real than a lot of other crap that I encounter. And the loving warmth is connected with a sense of hopefulness. My life isn't perfect, a lot of things are difficult for me, but when I can stay hopeful, trusting that life will give me what I need even if not what I want, then I'll feel the warmth coming from my heart. That's what unites us here, I think; a sense of shared hopefulness, an anticipation of mutual bliss that dwarfs the character flaws we struggle with. It's a wonderful thing.

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