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Discipline

I don't like "super-o." Well, that may or may not be true. What I don't like is a goal out there that I may fail to achieve, or that may be the end-point of the "journey." It's all I can do to fully experience my sessions without putting labels on things and trying to assess if I'm being successful.

Today I was unable do my customary pre-session "medication." The reason was that I had lots of work to do, and I needed to remain sharp. I think of all my sessions as meditations, and part of meditating is the discipline of it. I make sure that I have an aneros meditation every day, no matter what. So, sometimes I don't have the time to really relax before.

I failed to mention in a previous blog that I had a hands free orgasm with ejaculation the day before yesterday. That's supposed to be one of the benchmarks on the journey. While it felt great, it was a disappointment. I had given in to penile cetered sensations and short-circuited the rewiring.

Anyway, today I decided to have a very quiet session. My focus was on relaxation and breathing with the idea of neither helping or suppressing my sensations. I set my timer as usual. Sometimes I need the timer to tell me when to quit (I always have work to do), and sometimes I need the timer to make sure that I do the full time.

The session was subtle. I was able to keep my mind quiet most of the time. I was able to tune in to some sensations that have eluded me in the past. I experienced it as a "thin" sensation rising from what might be my prostate.

I have no sense yet of my prostate. I can imagine some things, but I just don't know if what I'm imagining is "really" my prostate. That's part of the problem of names. It's possible that that "thin" sensation is my prostate speaking and that I've been ignoring it as I focus on those other sensations that I imagine are my prostate.

I am working to avoid the goal orientation that is implied by the "super-o." I am in "inquiry." It's difficult to make "no goal" your goal.