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Through my shadow

Carl Jung wrote of the shadow. The shadow is an archetype. Much like the word mother creates an innate feeling of sensation and thoughtful images of ideas and ideals, the word shadow has its own connotations and meaning. We all have a shadow. It follows us, generally out of sight, out of mind. Left unchecked, what does the shadow do? How does it behave? Does it mirror or follow my actions as I believe it to do? Without my conscious acknowledgement and observation of it, I cannot know.

To those who wish to follow my journey, I have had much internal debate as to whether I should even post this or not. How much do I share? How much do I tell relative strangers? Indeed, perhaps here, where I feel a strong connection to community, I feel safest of all stating what I feel, but there is risk to everything. What if what I say ends up as evidence towards my own conviction? What do I hope to gain? Do the risks outweigh the benefits?

The shadow, ever murky, ever dark, ever dancing and darting. Through my shadow, what lies beyond? Like a black hole, the suction of such a journey can be powerful and equally as scary. Will a new understanding and insight be found beyond? Will the shadow wrap around me so tightly that I loose my way? These are the fears of engaging in such a journey.

What then do I hope to be the goal? If such risks exist, do equal rewards? Light cannot exist without dark. Two halves cannot be whole unless combined. How many of us feel old pain, hurt, jealously, fear, anger, and bury it? How many have desires that are darker, more sinister, and run from them? In the end, the shadow still follows. How many turn around, look into the black swirl, and jump through?

It is a difficult journey, but with patience, hope, connection, love, and understanding, it is one that I hope to travel.

My goal with this blog is to combine several aspects of my sexuality into one cohesive blending. These areas include, BDSM, anal and prostate sensation, energy manipulation/understanding, and some really deep soul searching.

Not all of the posts will be uplifting by nature, but should at least be informative and insightful. Sometimes, feeling the pain, living the hurt, acknowledging the jealously, reducing to anger, and truly living these negative emotions can be a completion of oneself. I do feel these. We all do. I do have desires that go beyond simple pleasure. I'm not so sure if others feel that way or not. I know that by denying what I feel, I cast my inner most self into shadow and loose part of who I am. If I cannot love myself fully, for everything within me, and become better, safer, and more able to love those around me, what good does my own personal pleasure have?

As of right now, I have taken a deep, and conflicting journey within myself already to ask these questions. Thanks to Artform, Brine, and Taran for a most wonderful chat last night that gave me two things, one was a compass, and the other a map, that I might be able to travel down this road without fear of loosing myself. The compass was love. The map is the connections of those close to me. By loving myself, and all those around me, I stay true to myself, even if engaging in activities that fully embrace my darker desires. Love is always key. Without love, boundaries are lost, sympathy is gone, and the ending result could very well be abuse. The map of connections keeps me to close to those who love me as well. In forming strong bonds, I take solace in knowing that I do belong. I do exist. I am a good person. I contribute to the well being of others.

For now, I must venture into the depths of my own mind and desires to find my arousal points. It is in this end that I hope to use Aneros to further my observations.

I have great experience in feeling energetic forces and connections during an Aneros session. I have learned how my own energetic and magnetic poles align within myself. I have reached out and felt a community of energy and like spirits. I have felt them reach out to me. The end result has always been one of light, of love, of peace, and of joy. It is in this manner that I hope to use my observatory prowess to explore safely the depths of my darker desires. The need to control, to have submission before me, and to inflict on another my desires is paramount to this journey. What is most difficult about this is that I genuinely hate seeing people in pain and believe in equality. Yet, I seek someone who WANTS to submit to me. This is a sign of love for me. In turn, my own desire to posses leads me into a strong role of protector and provider. This is the crux of my shadow. My internal struggle to give and assist conflicts with the internal need to control and posses.

Stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side, I have taken steps already to balance my nature and my desire. This exploration is my journey.

Reader Comments

Posted on 2012-10-05 00:35:18 by SteelColdiron

I'm kind of curious why this doesn't show up on the main blog. I have to click on "View Entry" for it to work, but I'll figure it out eventually.

I want to add what I feel Aneros can truly bring to my personal journey. The whole end result of any exploration, at least this case for me, is one of pleasure and acceptance. I want to increase my connection with Aneros via this trip as well as my overall well being and understanding. I have found myself at an impass with Aneros. My sessions lately have seem a bit subdued and calm. Not that anything is wrong with the subtle joys and minimal body reaction that I feel. I would like to indulge in the stillness and mindspace that gets created during these moments to expand a world of evolving ideas for me and various avenues of pleasure and enjoyment. By learning more about myself and my pleasure and joys, I hope to be able to share that with my partner and others who may have similar interests. As I begin to use my Eupho and Progasm with this intent, I can better document what I feel, how I prepare, and what responses I feel emotionally, physically, and mentally. The one universal truth that resides in this quest is equality and balance, consent and safety. I have to submit to my own peaceful observer, to allow the Aneros to work within me without resisting, and then use the mindspace created to explore my desire to dominate. It is the paradox that I hope to understand better.

It may seem from the way that I am posting that I might not even be interested in orgasms. Egads man! As a male, it would seem that I should be hard wired for such thoughts. The truth is, I use sexual fantasies all the time to explore my own psyche and emotional well being. When I fantasize about being forceful taken by a woman, does it mean that I want to submit to the intimacy of a female presence? More often than not, I'm at odds with myself struggling for power. So, those fantasies involving my own submission to another is a deep seated desire to feel love from that person. If I do what they want, they should love me. I can go into much greater depth why I feel this way, but it isn't necessary. My point is that sexuality can focus immense energy into other areas of life. Using Aneros has opened up my sensitivities to such possibilities. And I look forward to learning more about myself, about Aneros, and about possibilities.

Posted on 2012-10-09 22:35:59 by aneros44309

rikaaim, the Aneros support people are aware that some blogs don't appear on the "main" blogs webpage (at "https://www.aneros.com/blogs/") when newly created. This also happened to me. I think you'll find that when you add another blog entry, yours will appear too, but if it doesn't I would have suggested you place a message in the "Blogs Are Back" announcement/sticky at the top of the forum discussions list, but that seems to be gone now. No idea why.

Posted on 2012-10-10 07:02:20 by SteelColdiron

Thanks for the information! I too was surprised by the topic in the forum going MIA. I wasn't too entirely worried about it, but curious for sure. I think my biggest concern was that I was getting too off topic of what the blogs should be about. I have been doing much research and am finding a most wonderful connection between my sexual preferences and practices. For instance, I have just recently learned of tantric BDSM. The biggest enjoyment I get from my Aneros sessions are the ongoing, increasing, decreasing, and overall immensely enjoyable orgasmic and pleasurable sensations that spawn in waves and allow me to connect to other such energies. It mays seem strange to see some constantly post about universal or sexual energy, but it is so natural for me to feel such energies that I can't help but talk about them. The biggest factor for me in being able to pinpoint what I feel is an Aneros session. It's a very pleasurable meditation. It is a key that allows me to open a door to pure focus. I can focus exclusively on my body, what it's feeling, on my mind, what it's perceiving, and then allow all of my energy to flow outward and also receive the energy that is flowing towards me. It truly is an amazing journey.

What I love about the idea of trantric BDSM is sharing this very energy with another person in a way that works for us. What was "dark" about my BDSM activities was the harm it caused the person I love the most because I couldn't confine myself to the boundaries that I needed to at first. But, thinking of mixing Aneros, tantra, and BDSM into one relationship and symbiotic flow is overwhelming with possibility. Imagine, my love, arms bound over head, legs bound to the posts of the bed, and Evi inserted. She's blindfolded and soothing music playing in the background. No matter how much she begins to wiggle and squirm, she's going nowhere, and the Evi is working her magic. Oh the devilish thought. On top of that, create this scenario after a nice bottom spanking, and then each heatwave of sting from the bottom can still resonate and meet with each kegel push into Evi. What a mix of sensations and emotions! I can't wait. This very idea is one I hope to make a very distinct reality and soon.

In the meantime, I have found an area that I think combines every aspect I want to explore. Tantric BDSM. B Mayfield called Aneros tantric training wheels. BDSM is all about training and getting a specific response. It's like a relationship that was destined to be. It also just goes to show, we limit ourselves and our possibilities when we allow our minds to be limited. Let me repeat, when WE allow.

Anyone who is new to Aneros and starting out on a journey, look to the forum for guidance and please join chat for "real time" information, but don't limit your success to ONLY that information. Many new members found much pleasure and joy from SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT than what was on the forum. This has only added to the information of the collective whole and the benefit of all. Often we as a group mention the "Aneros journey", but all of life is a journey. We explore where our minds take us. We find new paths all the time. We create entirely new paths all the time.

Going back to my two keys on this journey for me, there is a compass and a map. The compass is my base feeling of love and solidity. Reality does exist even in soul searching esoteric journeys. Knowing what I truly love, and feeling true love, keeps me grounded and able to have a stable base to return to. We use the Aneros forum as our base to connect back to other members and find answers or share success, but it is a base. We RETURN to one another. This is the second key, my map. Connection and be able to share with one another is the map. If love is the compass that brings me here, love of my fellow companions in this journey, love of myself, love of this life we share, and love that I feel universally, then the connections we make are the map. I've met Artform, and he is a wonderful man. He has shared so much with me that it's hard to fathom at times. He has a great motto. As we rewire, we reconnect. The connections we make are like points on a map. I know where I can go for information, to share a story of success or hardship, or for a good laugh. It's fantastic to connect so much.

Which brings me to my wrap up, I want to thank aneros44309 once again for the information. You didn't have to seek out my blog using the "view entry" feature and then comment. But, you did. You made a connection. I am grateful, and hopefully we can continue to further support one another. I look forward to traveling down this delicious road of possibility.

Posted on 2012-10-10 23:10:16 by artform

Thanks rika!! This is a very rich and living set of considerations, reflections, questions and sharing. It holds immense promise as your questions, and your experiences giving rise to them, can be deeply considered and our reflections, like waves of energies interact with yours too.

Thank you for opening these challenging parts of the human heart up in this way!

I would just offer that The Golden Rule, so referred to by Christians, is the universal social ethical imperative and moral compass. It is unique in being so revealed in all major religions, and in aboriginal traditions around the world. It also is the core of the philosophy of secular humanism.

I feel it too as the Universal Love that Taoist healing energies arts ascribe to the remotely transmittable and sharable energies that include the Jing orgasmic energies that can be for many here at Aneros the first manifestations they experience, yet are only one end of the great energies spectrum up through life-force and on into spiritual. I know we will all share more along these lines as you continue to share your deep exploratory self-investigations here.

Your opening reference to Jung's shadow is most apt!! You will find the great self-revelatory thoughts texts and art of Jung's own depth journey in the glorious large book of his published only last year: The Red Book. Anyone interested in such self-honesty and truth seeking within will find this a thrilling book sharing this kind of journey indeed!!

artform

as we rewire
we are all reconnected