Carl Jung wrote of the shadow. The shadow is an archetype. Much like the word mother creates an innate feeling of sensation and thoughtful images of ideas and ideals, the word shadow has its own connotations and meaning. We all have a shadow. It follows us, generally out of sight, out of mind. Left unchecked, what does the shadow do? How does it behave? Does it mirror or follow my actions as I believe it to do? Without my conscious acknowledgement and observation of it, I cannot know.
To those who wish to follow my journey, I have had much internal debate as to whether I should even post this or not. How much do I share? How much do I tell relative strangers? Indeed, perhaps here, where I feel a strong connection to community, I feel safest of all stating what I feel, but there is risk to everything. What if what I say ends up as evidence towards my own conviction? What do I hope to gain? Do the risks outweigh the benefits?
The shadow, ever murky, ever dark, ever dancing and darting. Through my shadow, what lies beyond? Like a black hole, the suction of such a journey can be powerful and equally as scary. Will a new understanding and insight be found beyond? Will the shadow wrap around me so tightly that I loose my way? These are the fears of engaging in such a journey.
What then do I hope to be the goal? If such risks exist, do equal rewards? Light cannot exist without dark. Two halves cannot be whole unless combined. How many of us feel old pain, hurt, jealously, fear, anger, and bury it? How many have desires that are darker, more sinister, and run from them? In the end, the shadow still follows. How many turn around, look into the black swirl, and jump through?
It is a difficult journey, but with patience, hope, connection, love, and understanding, it is one that I hope to travel.
My goal with this blog is to combine several aspects of my sexuality into one cohesive blending. These areas include, BDSM, anal and prostate sensation, energy manipulation/understanding, and some really deep soul searching.
Not all of the posts will be uplifting by nature, but should at least be informative and insightful. Sometimes, feeling the pain, living the hurt, acknowledging the jealously, reducing to anger, and truly living these negative emotions can be a completion of oneself. I do feel these. We all do. I do have desires that go beyond simple pleasure. I'm not so sure if others feel that way or not. I know that by denying what I feel, I cast my inner most self into shadow and loose part of who I am. If I cannot love myself fully, for everything within me, and become better, safer, and more able to love those around me, what good does my own personal pleasure have?
As of right now, I have taken a deep, and conflicting journey within myself already to ask these questions. Thanks to Artform, Brine, and Taran for a most wonderful chat last night that gave me two things, one was a compass, and the other a map, that I might be able to travel down this road without fear of loosing myself. The compass was love. The map is the connections of those close to me. By loving myself, and all those around me, I stay true to myself, even if engaging in activities that fully embrace my darker desires. Love is always key. Without love, boundaries are lost, sympathy is gone, and the ending result could very well be abuse. The map of connections keeps me to close to those who love me as well. In forming strong bonds, I take solace in knowing that I do belong. I do exist. I am a good person. I contribute to the well being of others.
For now, I must venture into the depths of my own mind and desires to find my arousal points. It is in this end that I hope to use Aneros to further my observations.
I have great experience in feeling energetic forces and connections during an Aneros session. I have learned how my own energetic and magnetic poles align within myself. I have reached out and felt a community of energy and like spirits. I have felt them reach out to me. The end result has always been one of light, of love, of peace, and of joy. It is in this manner that I hope to use my observatory prowess to explore safely the depths of my darker desires. The need to control, to have submission before me, and to inflict on another my desires is paramount to this journey. What is most difficult about this is that I genuinely hate seeing people in pain and believe in equality. Yet, I seek someone who WANTS to submit to me. This is a sign of love for me. In turn, my own desire to posses leads me into a strong role of protector and provider. This is the crux of my shadow. My internal struggle to give and assist conflicts with the internal need to control and posses.
Stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side, I have taken steps already to balance my nature and my desire. This exploration is my journey.