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Anal play, homophobia, and being who you are

(This is not written to disparage gay people. Not at all. It is intended for the heterosexual man whose lingering homophobia might be preventing him from trying things he really wants to try.)

My anal awakening took place in my early teens when I discovered some of my dad's books on male sexuality and sexual fantasies. I was immediately drawn to the descriptions of anal penetration given in the landmark Hite Report on Male Sexuality and particularly the rather limited descriptions therein of experiencing orgasm solely through penetration. The descriptions made it sound like something wonderful, something I really wanted to experience.

So I read and read those passages over and over, along with stories of men's experiences with (or fantasies of) being penetrated. This led me to try exploring my own anus with a finger, which I soon found to be pleasant. I lacked any sort of suitable toys for the experience until I found a dildo in my parents' closet. It was big (1.5" around, at least 10" long) and floppy. The first time I had the house to myself after that I tried to get it in but couldn't. After many other tries I got it in and loved the feeling of fullness and thickness inside of me but I could never move it satisfactorily. Eventually the dildo disappeared.

Later I found a discarded box of taper candles. I hid these in my room and started using them. With a lot of lube and a little practice I found my prostate and was able to hit it with every stroke. My first prostate-only orgasm was a memorable one, a feeling of far deeper satisfaction than I ever got from conventional masturbation.

So now I was 17 years old and knew full well that I loved feeling something firm and more or less cylindrical moving in and out of my anus, all the more so if it was brushing up against my prostate. I spent the next ten years wondering if that meant I was gay.

Had I stepped back and examined myself I would have known the answer. I could not for the life of me imagine ever kissing another guy. I kissed every girl who would let me. If I was around naked or half-naked guys in the locker room it had no effect on me. If I caught a glimpse of a girl's panties I'd be distracted for at least a half hour. At the beach or the pool I ignored every guy and scoped out every girl. I would have gone down on any willing female (and did, when I was still single). I dreamed of what it would be like to spread open a woman's butt cheeks and stick my fingers, tongue, or even penis into her tightest hole. I couldn't imagine doing any of those things with a guy.

I could not even imagine falling in love with another man, or even falling enough into lust with another man that I would think "I gotta get me some of that."

Even though I knew all these things, it still took me a decade to accept that I was simply a hetero man who enjoyed the feeling of something thick and cylindrical moving in and out of his anus, all the more so if it was also brushing against his prostate. The fact that I enjoy sensations also enjoyed by some (though by no means all) gay men doesn't change the fact that I am pretty much exclusively attracted to women. (I only say "pretty much" because who knows what would happen if I was presented the right opportunity? I can't see my fundamental orientation ever changing, though.)

This is reality: Your sexual orientation is not determined by which parts of your body you enjoy being stimulated. It is determined by which parts of other people's bodies you wish to stimulate. I enjoy anal stimulation, but I have no particular interest in being penetrated by an actual penis. I wouldn't allow myself to be entered just to please a male friend whom I loved very deeply because I just don't think I'd ever love another man the same way I love my wife. That's not to say I see anything wrong with men who love other men like that; it's just not who I am.

So I offer this up to other hetero men in the hopes that maybe you won't have to spend a decade wondering about yourself like I did. Just because you cornhole yourself doesn't mean you have to pigeonhole yourself too.

All this thinking comes about because this is yet another day (hopefully the last) without my Progasm. With more practice I can now get involuntary contractions in almost any position, though it's not yet a consistent thing and some positions are more productive than others. I am noticing a couple effects from all this contracting and twitching. First, I'm starting get a sense of awareness and tingling in my pelvic area nearly all the time. Second, I'm leaking lube like it's nobody's business.

Reader Comments

Posted on 2011-10-25 21:05:52 by aneros_user48692

You are not alone. As hetero user, I myself had to make that same journey of contemplation and come to the same result. I think it is a great tragedy that so much social prejudice and insecurity taints our sexuality as it does today.

Posted on 2011-10-25 22:18:19 by deepinfocus

Indeed. I wish we could all just live and let live. If you think about it, believing that receiving anal pleasure will make a hetero man turn gay makes no more sense than believing that playing basketball will make a short person grow taller.

Posted on 2011-10-26 22:59:06 by artform

Great blog post deepinfocus!!! Agree au48692!!! Even though I became F*curious by 17 and satisfied myself on that question, I found I had no need for m/m anal or other m/m sexual play either. Doesn't bother or offend me; happy to platonically celebrate their joys/relationships with gay/lesbian friends.

Hetero men have every right to pursue their ano-prostate ecstatic energies and orgasmic potential as their natural biological gift/inheritance!!!