I don't ever moan involuntarily during a session, but yesterday I had long, quiet, breathy whimpers that couldn't be helped. The non-verbal equivalent to a whispering, high-pitched "Oh my God".
My prostate was vibrating out of control with an electric hum. It was doing this all on its own, and I was at its mercy. I could do nothing but watch it flood me with an overwhelming tingling orgasmic rush that didn't want to stop. That wanted to turn me inside out.
You know you had a good session when you're getting a buzz just thinking about it the next day. And I had a damn good session.
I've always been a fan of the "do nothing" technique, but what I never really asked myself was - Does "doing nothing" really mean I'm not doing anything?
What I discovered yesterday is that by attempting to do nothing, I wasn't doing something that I should have been doing. Which was to make sure I continued doing nothing!
This is confusingly worded, so let me break it down.
I do nothing, which builds initial good feelings and contractions. But as I sink into these feelings, I lose focus and allow my body to interfere. These interfering actions feel right, they feel deceptively natural, as if this is what my body wants right now. It wants me to add a little tension here or there. I feel like doing this will help me along, so it must be where my body wants to take me. Therefore I'm successfully doing nothing. Right?
What I did yesterday was deny myself these instinctually right-feeling, minor adjustments of tension and subtle manual contractions. Let the truly involuntary movement build without assistance, no matter how urgently my body wants to grab on.
But this is a full-time job. It isn't merely the way I need to *begin* my sessions (until I get the ball rolling), this is a process that needs to happen over and over again throughout the session. I must check every few seconds that I'm not trying to "help". And reassure myself that this process doesn't need any help, that I'm not missing a window of opportunity if I don't jump on this feeling with manual help.
This urge to interfere is a constant presence, and requires constant vigilance. It's an aching need to jump in and help. And one that makes so much intuitive sense, that it requires a conscious effort to defy.
I found it helpful to, in a way, fetish-ise this lack of control. To become helpless and potentially denied the pleasure I want.
If my body thinks it has to grab control at a key moment (or risk losing a good feeling), then I have to work with that... want that... and be turned on by the very possibility.
But this isn't "doing nothing" as I understood it before. This is actually hard work. This is taking a security-guard role, watching myself, knowing the thief inside me is waiting for me to fall asleep at my post.
Hopefully in time this mindset will be easier to maintain. And I expect it will, as I learn to trust the involuntary, helpless side of the experience more.
I think for a time these manual interfering movements *did* help me along. And that I learned to use them at an earlier stage of my rewiring, when my involuntary contractions weren't able to take me far enough. But it seems they've lingered as part of my technique and held me back, probably for a long time.