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Aneros Blogs > Stepping through my shadow (by SteelColdiron)

My First Super-O


This is an old forum post from 2009. It's long. It's detailed. It ventures into areas of energetic sensation. Quite frankly, some of the imagery seems rather bizarre.

I'm posting it now in my blog for a few reasons. First, the level of detail in how I achieve my Super-O I think can benefit some of the new members seeking answers. Second, I think that some of the ideas and images that are unusual are the bits that I think can be most inspirational. I speak often about shattering barriers and mindsets. In this particular session of mine, such was the case. Third, from time to time I forget even my own lessons. I read this now and think, "Oh, yeah! I forgot I did it that way!" "Right! That's what made that night such a great night. I'll have to try that again." Fourth, I really feel like there is more to this post that gets hinted at all the time, and words simply fail to describe the ideas and feelings, but I like the way I state them in this message. Finally, this is what happened to me. It's a true account of a great session and a great night. I simply want it in my blog.

If no one comments, I believe that many will still find something of interest in this post. As a person who writes, a person who shares, I certainly want validation for what I create and put out there. I want acknowledgement. What I don't want is to admit it. I want people to secretly know that's what I want, and then to give it to me. However, life just doesn't work that way. I am fully happy knowing that I am able to share this with an audience who might enjoy it. To that end, here is the first Super-O I ever had after my third or fourth session.

This was written and posted in November 2009. The actual session was a few weeks prior in October. I don't remember the exact date. What follows is the post in the forum from November 2009.


I just had the most wonderful experience. I finished about a two hour session just a few minutes ago. I'm still kind of out of it. It's almost as if I'm half here, the world in which I type and function in the ways that I am required to, and a world that I just discovered, where everyone seemed connected and focused on the same goals of harmony, pleasure, love, connection. To back track and start from the beginning, or behind as the session actually started (forgive the bum pun), I just wanted to take a nap with my Eupho inserted to get a general feeling of relaxing and letting my body naturally contract with the Eupho inside of itself. In this regard I feel it necessary to say "my body" because I have mentally been forcing contractions the first sessions. While great in and of themselves, it was not my bodies desire to move the Eupho in that sense, it was my own will. The point of my taking a nap was to put my will aside and let my body show me what I've been missing.

The results were astounding. I've incorporated the advice that I've learned here in setting up tonight's session, as it were. To be honest, I had just intended to get a little bit more comfortable with the Eupho and more relaxed, enjoying its subtle movements inside of me. The advice about lube came in handy. Last night I purchased a small jar of Vaseline and a new bottle of KY Silk. I coated my anus with a thin layer of Vaseline and then used the tip of my finger to coat the inside. I then did the same with the KY Silk. After that, I coated the Eupho with a thin layer of Vaseline and, after the initial coating of Vaseline was on the Eupho, I slicked it up with the KY Silk. After that, I let it find its own home inside of me, made sure the P-tab was hitting just the right spot, turned over to my side lying down, pulled the covers over me, and went to sleep.

It was a spotted sleep at best. Meaning, as soon as I really started to reach a deep sleep, a wave of pleasantness would wash over me and wake me up. Each time this jolt of pleasure pulled me from my harmonious dream world, I was tempted to squeeze down hard and bring the orgasm to me. Instead, I closed my eyes, told myself my body is just having its own experiment right now, turned off my mind, and went back to unconsciousness, which is really the only way to let the body wake up on its own, I think. After about an hour of this process, I came to once more. Only this time the grogginess that caused me to take a nap in the first place was gone. Now I was awake with excitement. What had my body learned in this last hour I wondered? I decided to try my best to relax my mind as if I were sleeping and treat it as if it were unconscious. I tried to be a fly on the wall spying like a voyeur on my body.

The results did not disappoint by any means. After a few moments of mentally staying away from myself, I decided to jump back in just a little bit. Sort of like putting my big toe into the ocean at the beach. The few days before, when I first got to the beach on my 7 day vacation, I jumped right in full body wanting to take in as much as possible as quickly as possible. That's how I would describe forcing my deep anal contractions the past few days. Pushing the Eupho out then pulling it back in with my anal contractions and muscles was like giving it to myself. I believe I did this mentally because it was familiar to me, from where I would do the same with my dildo. This time however, I knew I still had plenty of time left in my vacation and I just wanted to test the water. Maybe I didn't even want to go swimming in the ocean today. Maybe I just wanted to get a nice sense that I arrived and could soak in that peace and understanding, knowing that my time and ability to enjoy all that is out there has just begun. So, mentally, I just start to take the vaguest amount of control. Just enough to say, "Hey, body, I'm here with you now. I'm not fighting you or forcing you this time. What can you teach me this time? I'm here to listen to you. I don't think I ever have before. But, I'm willing to now, if you'll speak to me." And speak to me it did.

I used the lightest of contractions to whisper to my body that message. I physically felt the Eupho moving around inside of me. Being used to larger toys and sheer girth, this was a new sensation entirely! In fact, I have lately become so accustomed to spreading myself open that I was starting to become a size queen! This experience has opened me up more spiritually and mentally than I could have ever hoped for physically. What happened was that the most gentle of contractions started to turn into the muscle quivering around the Eupho. This in turn caused the Eupho to dance around inside of me. The only way I can describe it is this way. It's as if someone was able to put an orb of electricity to a very specific area and the currents pulsated inside of me stimulating me and teasing me, dancing around all of my spots, ones that I didn't even know could feel this engorged, stimulated, teased, electrified, and pulsating. Everything inside of my throbbed. And I learned a new definition of inside of me. Not just my body, but my essence. It's as if I were in scuba gear the whole time swimming in a cosmic pool of connectedness with everyone, but didn't know it because my suit was too tight to feel anything out side of it, my goggles too small to allow me any other viewpoint other than what was directly in front of me, and my breathing apparatus giving me too little oxygen to be free. Instead of being free, I was doing my best to stay confined in my cosmic scuba suit too scared to drown. Meaning, too scared to free my mind enough to trust my body and soul to be able to join the cosmic pool of connectedness and enjoy the rest of everything, the universe, humanity, anything and everything that is made of universal stuff and energy.

What happened physically is that my body began to take over the Eupho itself. It caressed me and told me to relax and sit back. It told me that for too long I had tried to find my own source of pleasure. I had tried to force orgasms when my body didn't really want them. Often times I masturbate when my body doesn't want to. I usually masturbate so frequently, at least twice a day, that my body is often drained and can no longer manage to naturally enjoy itself. I come up with mental scenarios to get me off. And that's exactly how I treated sex, as a way to get off. Even with my partners, I want the strongest, most powerful orgasm, that gets me and them off. I focused only on the physical aspect of pleasure. This time, my body showed me how to enjoy the universal pleasure of everyone. The more I relaxed, the more I remembered what others said. Don't force anything. If your body is wanting the nipples stimulated, stimulate them, but not too much. Just do whatever the body wants and asks for. I started to listen to my body. I rubbed my pelvic area, but not my penis, when I felt a need to. I rubbed my cheeks against my pillow when I felt the want to. My hips swayed and moved on their own, allowing my mind to wonder and drift. The pleasure I never trusted my body to feel when I would force orgasms was staring to come to me on its own. In fact, the pleasure my body was giving me greatly trumped any amount of mental imagery or scenario I could think of. The results of this total release was enriching on a whole new level. It's as if I learned more about me from this session. I learned how to just let go.

In letting go different images came to my mind. At first I was trying any image to keep me aroused and reach the level or orgasm I wanted to reach. Briefly I thought of my partner giving me a blowjob, or me inserting my partner, my partner inserting me, ect... Shortly though, my body told me to not think about that. Instead, I got different images. Not only different images came to mind, but different feelings as well. My body told me this, "You feel that energy that is swelling inside of you? You are letting if flow freely now. This is why your body moves the way it is right now. This is why this great pleasure fills you and cradles you. Your entire being is now being held up by this energy that you feel. It is surrounding you, comforting you, and keeping you. At the same time, everyone has this energy. We all share, every single living thing, this energy of sheer positive love and support. Right now, others in this world are sharing the same ograsmic feeling you are. Others are feeling sorrow, or hatred, but we are all part of the same universal energy. Every single one of us is reaching out in our own way to others. Right now, those on the sexual plateau are reaching out to you. For the first time, you can reach out to them now and give to them and take from them. It's a web of interconnectedness. In not taking selfishly, but sharing equally, the universal bond formed can comfort and support like no other bond imagined." What I did was imagine my energy surrounding me. The total feeling of all my experience, good, bad, negative, positive, bliss, sorrow, and it filled me. It filled me with such joy and pleasure. The feeling that became more and more predominant was love. Everyone reaching out to me was love. Hands caressed me. Plump, inviting breasts rubbed against me. Luscious, gorgeous cock teased me. I could feel myself reaching out to all of them as well. Everyone that came to me, I went to them also. My love went out to everyone that I know. Even those from my past that hurt me, I remembered that they hurt me so because I loved them dearly and deeply. I no longer felt the hurt from them, but only wanted to tell them that I did and do indeed love them. After this phase and love transpired, my energy and self went out further. It’s as if I had found all of those on the same sexual high that I was on. The few of us found each other. My jealousy of my partner wanting to share someone else left me. Instead, I felt that my partner was right all along. The person that was to be part of the activity was right all along. My jealously came from a need to posses. I had to have my partner solely to myself. My enlightenment was telling me that we are all meant to share and be with one another. Constrictions do not allow us to grow. We have to be completely free in order to grow. So, while my body squirmed and flowed in the most intense, and comforting sensation it has ever known, I allowed myself to envision partner swapping for the first time without a tinge of jealously or anger.

In doing so, I felt love again. I felt that my soul was connecting to my new partner. I desired deeply for my partner’s soul to connect to her new partner. I had a need to know my new partner on a spiritual level. I had a need for our souls to connect through the actions of our bodies. I had the need to understand my new partner. Instead of holding on to my old thoughts of being closed up and declaring without doubt that my way of thinking is right, I had a deep and urgent need to know what my new partner was thinking. What are her perspectives? As these thoughts swam about my head, my body shook and lost all control. Tidal waves of pleasure lifted me up and, rolled me over, and crashed me back down before the tide carried me back out to sea for another roller coaster ride of orgasmic ups and downs. Each Super-O triggered every nerve ending in my body more than the previous one. My hips bucked into the air. My head flailed back and forth. My toes curled. My hands grabbed the blankets I was lying in and squeezed them with every ounce of strength I had. I moaned, I screamed, I whimpered, all at the same time. While my body found news joys, my mind kept drifting further out into what I felt was the universal ocean of connectedness.

With each passing Super-O, and I can say with ease that they were Super-Os, my mind told me to let go even more. Instead of just focusing on the love of a single partner, experience the love of everyone at the same time. At first I thought of a big orgy, but quickly my mind and body told me that was wrong. Instead, the same aura of energy surrounded me again. This time, spiritual forms of energy enveloped me in my mind’s eye. I felt like I was hovering in a blue sky with the most fluffy white clouds painting in. The sun was shining, but nowhere to be seen, keeping sheer light in front of me and around me. While my mind grew used to this free floating state, those seeking me out found me. They hovered below me, above me, next to me, and even inside of me. The most connected feeling I could imagine was turning the image of my physical self into pure energy, like those around me, and letting them overlap with me. When this happened, everything I was lit up with sexual energy and orgasmic dominance. I no longer had control. The Eupho had control. Not only that, my body had control. I had an anal orgasm so strong it shot out the Eupho. I had to pause and put it back into me before I could continue. On the final leg of my journey, where a Super-O was so strong my hips bucked up so high I was in a bridge position with my head looking back at the wall behind me, my mind filled with the most curious, but delightful of images.

Now, this next part may seem bizarre, but it was perhaps the most wonderful idea I could think of, and I didn’t even think of it. All of the energy that had overlapped me, and I knew this energy to be other souls traveling this same high road that I had managed to find, began to take form. Once again flesh developed from these energies. I thought that connecting on a sheer energy level was the greatest pleasure. Until one final push and concept came to mind. My body told me that I had tasted the energy of all, that everything shares this energy, but that I am unique, as are others, in that while we can feel and share this cosmic energy, we are also flesh, and our flesh can feel at the same time our souls and energies can feel. This is why the energized souls began to reform into perfect bodies holding me, touching me, kissing me, and licking me. While I was looking forward to a nice orgy fuck, again things changed on me. The image of a man became somewhat different. He was leaning on top of me. I thought he would penetrate me. I was looking forward to the feeling of pressure and stiffness. Instead, something else happened. In a mental connection, I had the urge to go inside him, to penetrate him, but it wasn’t my penis penetrating his anus. Instead, the tip of my penis rested at the base of his scrotum. What happened next I couldn’t have imagined. His scrotum opened up and allowed my penis to enter his penis as if it were a vagina. I could feel his orgasm washing over my penis, and his ejaculation coating me. My penis became part of his and our pleasure doubled as I slid up and down, in and out of him. While this was going on, a woman placed her hips at my anus. Her vagina slid inside of me and I felt her juices rubbing the inside of me. I felt like I was her vagina being penetrated. I felt stuffed and teased at the same time. I felt like her clit rubbing my prostate was my clit being rubbed. I could envision her vaginal opening contracting. She was in the same state of orgasmic bliss that I was in. While the two sensations were on a whole other level by themselves, I wasn’t quite done fulfilling this last Super-O of flesh and soul connection. One more person was hovering around. This last person to form into solid, as solid as we were anyway, matter was a man. His pelvic region hovered over my mouth. Instead of naturally wanting to lick his scrotum, and eventually his shaft, like I do in real life, I had another idea and desire. I put my face inside of his rectum and began to lick his prostate. It was in the same manner that the woman was able to insert her vagina into me and the same way I could put my penis inside another man’s penis. It was the same energy overlapping that occurred moments ago in a pure state. This time, slight forms of physicality added to the sheer energy state. In this manner, there was no disgusting thought of the nasty rectal feces or another other unpleasantness that occurs in real life. It was the final stage of my mind opening up. It was an announcement. See what can happen when limitations are removed? Anything can happen. Anything that can bring pleasure will bring pleasure. My desire in licking a man’s prostate was to share total joy and selflessness with that person. I only wanted to give them the same most wonderful feeling that I had at that moment. Knowing that my source of pleasure at the time came from my prostate, I had a sense that this person had never know that pleasure. Thus, why I wanted to give it to them. It was my way of opening them up to an idea they had never tried before. The impression that I got initially was that this person wanted a blowjob. I wanted, no needed, to give them more. I needed to shatter their little world like mine was just shattered. I needed to let them know that they don’t have to go back to their confinement of reality, but can choose to expand to the endless possibilities of the universe. And in the instant that they released and felt orgasmic pleasure, the rest of us did as well. For a short time, we were all one. Our bodies, half formed in flesh, half in universal energy, shared each and every part of ourselves with each other. At this time I masturbated my penis to bring have a Super-T the likes of which I never thought possible. This was my body giving me that final feeling of flesh and energy combined. After I ejaculated, I crashed and couldn’t move a single muscle for a few minutes. It wasn’t exhaustion. It was lack of needing to move.

The residual of my Super-Os and final Super-T reminded me of the connection I just made with the universe. It reminded me that I need to let go in life more in general. My life is not the confinement I make it or the confinement others want me to believe in. If I have enough faith and trust, my soul and life can connect to those around me who have found the same path of enlightenment that I just found. My partner is one of those people. She had this enlightenment long before I did. For the longest time I confined her. I didn’t think that what she said or believed was possible. She was too much of a free spirit. She would never get ahead in life and get a good job or anything. She just didn’t care enough. The truth is, she just knew what her mind and body wanted. She had a sense of connection that she just knew, and I had to search for. Her mind is connected to her body. Her emotions are letting her feel that. I am in awe of her presence of understanding.

What I’ve learned from this session is not that the Eupho can give me literally mind blowing orgasms, but that I should endeavor to connect to those around me. The love that I felt is real. So is the energy that everyone possesses. When I have sex with my partner, it will no longer be me trying to manipulate pleasure with vibrators or other devices. Sex will no longer be about me quickly pounding my partner to bring us both to mutual orgasms in a near instant. For the longest time, I thought that if I had a quick orgasm, I could have another one sooner, and thus try to stay in that orgasmic frame. I learned today that the opposite is true. Letting go, enjoying the ride, and not caring about the orgasm brings about the greatest orgasm and feelings of them all.

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Vice and the paddle

It's been a while since I created a blog post. There is a reason for this. I tend to share so much on the forum and chat about what I feel during an Aneros session that I want to use my blog for new explorations and new sensations.

That's what my blog is about. It's about me combing several elements of my sexuality into a self-reflecting exercise. There are two very key parts of my sexuality that I wish to combine into a fluid and coherent mixture. I'm combing my passion for BDSM and my tantric energies. Aneros is the tool which I'm using to generate and expand the tantric energies. I can full succumb to the pleasures and sensations of Aneros. I can build that energy, move the energy around, create pleasurable feelings in other parts of my body. I can connect to a cosmic force reaching out. There's an entire realm that Aneros allows me to be part of. Rather, that other realm is constantly in existence. Aneros allows me to venture into that realm for just a little while.

This post is not about that connection though. I've written about that before.

This post is about the connections I'm making between pleasure and pain. This is about BDSM, tantra, and combing aspects of sexuality.

What is it about BDSM that keeps me so captivated? It's a paradoxal feeling at times. It's a push. It's a pull. It's give and take. It's that strange dynamic that turns pain into pleasure. Why is it easier for many to accept submission and dominance, but to accept pain is so difficult? Is it fear based? Is it misunderstanding?

Everyone feels pain. Eveyrone remembers a time of pain. It's not enjoyable.

That's a different pain though. What about that pain that hurts so good? What about that lover that digs their nails into the back in that moment of passionate release? That's pain. However, it's perceived differently. The body registers it differently. That's when the pain receptors actually send the same signal to the brain as pleasure. It's a release of endorphines. It's a self made high. It's natural. It's what the body creates.

I've noticed that this particular feeling has been duplicated though. For myself, I get that endorphic feeling from Aneros and pain. That's a strange mix. How can one produce the same as the other? That is the question I'm exploring. That's the answer I'm looking for.

I purchased a new paddle a few weeks back. The handle is long enough for me to use it on myself with a fair amount of force and a significant amount of reaction. It is during this sef-infliction that I noticed the Aneros connection. With no sexual stimulation to gential or nipple, the resonance of the pain and sting of the paddle was spreading through me like the orgasmic p-waves of Aneros.

I was paddling my ass, back, inner thighs, cock )very lightly(, and anything that was safe to paddle. I started to feel that sting and burn spread through me like the endorphic release of prostate pleasure. There's a sense of submission to the feelings of my body. I just let go. I swim in the sea of bliss.

During my solo session with the paddle, when the sting subsidded, I would press on the fresh and still hot marks that patterned on my body.

As I continued this self-inflicted session, I was beyond aroused. I was having orgasmic responses without any device at all. I was not using my hands in any traditional sense at all. I understood what it meant to just accept and feel. I felt like a Super-O was approaching just from my own internal feelings. What is it about this pain/pleasure dynamic that is causing such similar feelings as pleasurable prostate massage?

Today, I was enjoying a nice Vice session. I was just dipping into that orgasmic sea. I was feeling very good and enjoying all the sensations coming to me once more. I was on my back, with a pillow under me, and my legs up in the air. I was cupping my ass thinking, Vice sits so flush in its place that I could probably get paddled while having this in. What would that feel like?

So, I got my paddle. If the endorphic release from paddle alone was pleasurable, how would it work with Vice?

I started off slow and warmed up a little bit. With each light slap, I clenched just enough to press further into the prostate. It didn't take long for the harder smacks to come. I was in a total bliss state. I melted even more into the sensations of Aneros. I had heat and pain )which amounts to little more than a hot sting( spread through. I was on all fours for this basically. I used one arm to swing the paddle while holding myself up with my knees and other arm. It took just a few minutes of this practice to start humping air and bucking. It didn't take me long to slide even deeper into pleasure. I honestly didn't continue this very long. I was so entrenched in what my body was creating that I simply laid back on my back and enjoyed.

I sort of simmered in that state for a while. It wasn't a full on bed shaking body quaking Super-O. Instead, I felt more like I was a piece of bacon in the skillet on that med-low heat that has that absolutely perfect sizzle to the grease. It was a moment of perfect balance. There was a consistent, constant, and extensive level of pleasure that just lasted. It wasn't a peak and valley cycle. It was a sustained, medium high, even plateau. After I choose to Super-T, the after glow was wonderful. I stayed in the orgasm hang over for nearly an hour. It's such a sense of peace, happiness, and bliss that I can still recall the feeling.

I'm one for analysis. I'm one for breaking down my experience to try and understand what the connections are. This is one particular exercise I find fun because I still wonder what that connection is. That in and of itself is what makes it worth trying. There's some wonder there. There's a new use for what would seem to be established order. Who says Aneros is only for inserting and then laying back? Why can't I actively use Aneros for something else? Of course I can! It's my journey! It's my life. I can do what I choose with it.

I am doing that will full jubilation.

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The Point of Aneros -- In My Opinion

This is a very slight edit to the original post.


To a new Aneros user or anyone feeling frustrated:

Seeing the length of this post with the thought of, "I simply don't have the time or desire to read all this!" Let me give you a Rika's Note version of what this is about. I understand initial frustration and expectations of the new user. I detail what those frustrations are and why they occur. Then I proceed to describe a way to change the mindset and approach of Aneros in order to reduce frustrations and expectations so that this product and adventure becomes fun and rewarding. If you're a new member stressed and wondering what to do, you've already spent time trying to figure it out, spend a little bit more time to read and hopefully find a few answers to your questions. Thank you.


I see new threads and topics all the time, as well as men in chat, just at a total loss about Aneros.

I'm going to use some creative speculation here for a minute, so please follow along.

What I see in chats and the forums essentially boils down to a feeling. That feeling is frustration.

I think this is what happens. I think men learn about Aneros through videos or maybe some preliminary research. Perhaps the very first thought is, "Aneros? What's the point?" That's a valid question too. Aneros is an investment. Aneros requires an investment in money, an investment in being open and willing to experiment, an investment in time, and an investment in effort. For all that investment, it's easy to think there damn well better be a payoff. If there's no major benefit, what's the point?

Looking back, and thinking about when I was first researching Aneros, I asked myself that question. Oh, Aneros. Prostate massage. That's interesting.What's the point of it though? I already enjoy anal. What's this going to do for me that I don't already have? The answer and the point became pretty clear.


I already have orgasms. Those are pretty great. I like things that will give me more orgasms. I'm already interested from that aspect alone, but this thing will give me SUPER ORGASMS?! What's that? Is that even possible? Do I still cum? I don't get it, but it sure does sound amazing from what people say and from the way these guys react in these videos.

Being in the age of smart consumerism and online reviews, a little bit of research can be conducted to pick the "first" model". Be it fair or not, this first model generally ends up being the make or break for the Aneros perception. How many men will make the investment stated above only to feel frustration at the lack of results? Understand that in this scenario "results" is the entire point of Aneros. What's the point? Orgasms! This thing is promoted as an amazing sex device and sex toy that brings great orgasms and the ever motivating Super-O!

*I'm going to throw in a side note at this moment. This is a hypothetical situation. This is how I was when I first looked into Aneros. Many men purchase Aneros for its many health benefits and enjoy the sexual pluses as a bonus. I'm not referring to that aspect of Aneros for this particular topic. Note over.*

So, having done my research, having read about what to do, nothing is happening, or rather Super Orgasmic Life Changing events aren't happening. So, it's just kind of sits in there and does what exactly? What's the point again?

We often speak of re-wiring. We talk and write all the time about how the body needs to adjust and create new pathways to perceive and enjoy the prostate stimulation. We are in essence learning who we are all over again.

That's the point.

That's it right there.

What's the point of Aneros? To learn who we are all over again.

Wait, that doesn't sound very sexy. That doesn't sound like orgasms. That sounds like a raw deal. That sounds like the therapist I had to pay for my ex wife to visit. I had to "invest" in that as well. That didn't work either.

Slow down there a minute.

Is it so wrong to learn who we are all over again? Isn't that sexy in and of itself? I've had many sexual encounters that left me learning something about myself. I would start a night with a goal in mind, the point as it were, of the night. This was going to happen, then we would move from that position, at some point this device would come into play, at 10:15 PM we would both orgasm. After that, we would be in bed asleep by 10:27 PM. I mean, we've all had a preconceived notion of what would happen. Rather, we have preconceived notions of what *should* happen. Instead, I get a total surprise for the night when something completely out of the blue happens. Maybe she does something I never thought she would do. Maybe she asks me to do something I always though she hated. That's the point. We have to be open minded enough to remain adaptable and react to the experience, not force it one way or another. There is nothing wrong with guiding a situation, but let it unfold and develop at its own pace.

Can that be frustrating? You bet! When I'm making out with my girl, and all I want is a blowjob, then the time it takes her to actually make her way down there can feel like eternity. If her lips on my cock is all I focus on, then the actual arousal that is being built up is overlooked and missed.

I think as men it's easy to want to fix problems. If we see something not working right, our minds start searching for a solution. It's why my girlfriend talks for 20 minutes, and when she finally pauses I say, "Okay. What's the point again?" Then I get "the look". I'm sure I'm not alone in knowing what the look is. The point was just to listen and validate what she was feeling. Did I understand that all that at the time? No way. Do I understand that now? Yes At least I nod and say I do.

With Aneros, don't try to to "fix" it. Please. This is a request. It's not really broken if you don't feel anything right away. You're not really broken if you don't feel anything right away. Also, it's okay to feel frustrated. Just ask yourself why you feel frustrated. Is it because you're missing the point? Is it because the point is still the orgasm?

I know, at this point, there is probably a collective, "Okay, what the hell are you talking about? What is it all about then?"

So, often we mention the mental side of Aneros being just as important as the physical side. There are topics that date all the way back to the start of the site that impress and stress the importance of letting go preconceived notions. There is an entire Wiki dedicated to physical movements and suggestions for clearing mental mind clutter. All this advice is meant to help us all "get it".

What I'm saying is don't let "it" be solely the orgasm. Don't let the "point" be all about cumming. We talk and write ad nausea about separating a penis orgasm from a prostate orgasm. We talk at length about multiple orgasms and going with the flow.

I'm going to take these ideas and spin them another way. What if the point of Aneros wasn't "the orgasm" but a means to make yourself happier? What if Aneros was about learning about yourself? What if it was a means to be completely selfish and totally focused on one person, yourself, for just a little bit? What if in the process of all that "me time" you actually had fun and some great feelings to go with it? Wouldn't that be pretty neat?

Aneros can be that way. Aneros can allow us to learn new things about ourselves and help us change how we perceive the world. That's what I mean when I say we learn who we are all over again.

How does Aneros do this? Well, that's kind of the catch-22. Aneros doesn't do it. We do. We take our own actions, our own thoughts, and complete the process. Notice that. Complete the process. How does it start then? Aneros. In this instance, for this purpose, Aneros. Now, that doesn't mean that this only applies to Aneros. Learning how to do this with Aneros makes it easier to learn how to do this with other things in life, I believe.

For starters, as a starter, a person inserts Aneros. Expectations is that of an orgasm and Super-O. Super-O maybe not right away, but it certainly better happen. That's why the investment in Aneros was made.

Instead, think of it this way. Insert Aneros. Stop. Stop right there. No expectations. Tell me, what IS happening? What ARE you feeling? Do you see what you're doing? You're thinking about it. You're *experiencing* it. You're actively holding back your thoughts in order to register what your body is feeling.

Well, it's not feeling anything. What are you *expecting* it to feel? Are you still expecting? Are you sure it's not feeling anything at all? Some men simply don't have any pleasurable feelings. They just don't get a physical reaction at all. Even if such is the case, I still want to say, "Congratulations!" You've just meditated for 30 minutes or however long you just tried. You thought of nothing but yourself. You let the stress of the day go for a little bit. Those bills due on the kitchen counter were ignored for a little bit. How does that make you feel? A little less stressed? A little better? That's a pretty good feeling, right? The fact that nothing physical happened might actually make you more determined to try again. However, that can be done for free without sticking something up your ass. That's not what you invested in. Just remember, experience, react, and be adaptable.

Sports players and athletes commonly say they're in "the zone" when they are performing exceptionally well.

I like to take a similar thought and compare it to being in a slip stream. When I'm at my peak, I actually stop moving my physical body altogether. I'm in the slip stream of experience. I've been pulled into this line and wave of energy and experience. I just stop trying to move and float in that stream. What I mean is that with all of my voluntary muscles, I stop "voluntarily" moving them. I just keep my mind as still as possible and "feel" what I'm feeling. If my penis twitches, yeah, I feel that. Do I try to twitch it by focusing a thought on twitching it? Nope. This is what's known as the detached observer. You're placing your mind just outside of voluntary control long enough to feel and register what you're feeling. You're in the slip stream of experience. You're on a roller coaster car going up and down and all around. Your body is being turned and tossed with the care of the coaster. You can scream, move your arms up and down, brace yourself, try to hold yourself still, but you're still on that ride. You're still feeling every bit of it. That's what I mean when I say you can guide it a little bit, but just enjoy that ride. Be in the slip stream. Be in the sensations that wash through and over every essence of being. Keep the mind in that place of enjoyment. How often do we get to really let go and just feel great things happening to us? That's what everyone means when they say let go. Let go of consciously trying to move a muscle. Stop. Just don't do it. Instead, when that muscle moves, what did you just feel? Did you feel that tingle move up your legs? Did you feel that subtle wind from the AC blow over your nipple? Did you feel that pulsing sensation pour through your prostate and into your cock? What are you feeling?

That's how we complete the process. Aneros simply creates an outlet that promotes stimulation. For many, this is an entirely new type of stimulation. That's what is referred to as re-wiring. Every man since the time he first pleasured himself knows what penile stimulation feels like. Not many men know the pleasure of full body prostate stimulation.

There are several articles and topics that give specifics as to the physical techniques to move Aneros around inside and stimulate the prostate. There are articles that talk about not thinking about the penis and focusing on the prostate and sensations felt. I encourage all to go look for them. They are great. Spend time in the Wiki. Look up Cockadoodle's Penis Not topic. All give great and valuable insight. I can't say I'm adding anything really new to the mix.

All I can do is simply challenge you. When you have thoughts about Aneros, and you're frustrated, think about what the point of it all is. Think about what you're trying to achieve. Just think about it. Are you actively forcing something that "should" be happening? If you've never had a Super-O, how do you know what it "should" feel like? After you're done thinking about what you're "trying" to do, why don't you just stop trying and just start feeling?

I'll finish with this. I was at a place that had an indoor rock climb. I had never done a rock climb before. I always wanted to, but never did. This time, I did. I got the harness on and everything. Then I just stood there. I stared at this dumb wall. There were all these tiny, little pegs. I didn't even know where to begin. My goal was to get to the top. That's the point of rock climbing. That's all I knew. At some point my mind just said, "Idiot. It's a rock. Climb it. You've been climbing since you were a kid. A foot goes here, and a hand goes there, and up you go. Just do it."

With all the little things that get tossed around about Aneros, do this, don't do that, feel this, don't think about that, at some point, it boils down to a very simple, you know what to do. You're body knows what to do. You've been feeling your body for years. Just relax, enjoy, and feel it a different way. Go ahead and get excited. Learn something new about yourself. Take a chance. Try something different. When you get frustrated, feel frustrated. You have that right. Don't think anything is broken though. Don't think you have to fix anything. Once you've calmed down, think about what you felt when you were trying Aneros. Were you thinking too much? Were you expecting too much? Take a breathe. Calm down. Let those negative feelings pass. Think about trying again, and just experience whatever happens. That's all I'm asking.

That's the point.

In my opinion.

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Joygasm & total energy orgasm

There are two parts to this entry. The first occurred without any model used at all at night as I was heading to bed. The second part occurred as I woke the next morning and several hours before needing to go to work.

The first part is more of an observation, and also an invitation for more information.

The other night I was on chat and several members were hopping in and out, several topics of conversation came and went, and about three or four hours passed in total. I was so drained from my 12th day in a row of working that chat was a much needed stress release for me. I was beyond giddy and silly to say the least. I think it was borderline delusional from working so much. At any rate, I was having a genuine good time.

As I went to bed, I was just smiling, thinking about how happy I was, just really full of joy. Thinking more about the long chat session and how much fun I had, I felt open and energy flowing. Not long I began to laugh and started to have an orgasm. It's much like an Aneros orgasm in that it was a dry-O, but not exactly prostate centered or penile centered. It was just everywhere. My body was shuddering and I felt the surge of sexual excitement run through me. I just let the wave of orgasm wash over me as I laughed and then went peacefully to sleep. As I was falling asleep, I recalled two things. The first being that I saw a similar experience occur to someone on the Tao Bums forum. They spoke of joygasms and open heart orgasms. Also, Lava makes mention on her blog that she often enjoys open heart orgasms from the benefits of Jack Johnson's Key Sound method for multiple orgasms. The more I open myself up to possibility, the more there is to explore. This sexual energy that coursed through me, if even only briefly, was stimulated and created by nothing more than a sheer enjoyable experience. There was nothing erotic or sexual about chat. There was no masturbation beforehand. I was just happy.

The second part of this blog begins the next morning when I wanted to use my Syn again. Having worked so many days in a row, I have been trying to "cram" in sessions. I still have a few enjoyable sensations, but since my last blog post, not much in the way of ground breaking. The fact that I haven't written a blog since then can really prove the motto, "Not much to write home about." This particular morning was different. I got my Syn perfectly lubed. In fact, it was so well lubed that I couldn't even feel it inside of me. I had to do a few strong contractions to make sure I was getting things going right. It was sort of like doing a systems check before take off.

This is mission control to anus, are we go for launch?

Turns out that all systems were a go as I started to feel wave after wave of slight, and building, sexual energy pulsate and spread. My erections were hard, then faded, then resumed once more. I felt the Syn dancing and playing inside of me, but on a level that was nearly imperceptible. It was until my legs were shaking, and the entire bed for that matter, that I knew I was really taking off again. Normally when I have a Super-O, I really kick my legs high in the air, I stay on my back, and I sway from left to right and rock with my orgasms. This particular morning, I slammed my fists on the bed, clawed at the sheets on the bed, grabbed the blankets around me and clenched down on them, all in a sequence of movements that spanned a few minutes. While my hands exerted their full force on anything nearby, including my own breasts, nipples, and ass cheeks from time to time, my entire body was rocking more than just side to side. I was doing near barrel rolls 3/4ths onto my stomach, turning on my back in several different directions, just letting go fully and slithering with the motion of my orgasm. It was like my body was dancing the external pattern my orgasm was leading.

I also say slithering because I was trying to focus on a kundalini rising at the same time. I was curious if what I was experiencing was creating enough energy to really allow me to open up in the way I've been wanting to. On a whole different level, I was participating in orgasmic and cosmic energy creation/manipulation. I can't say creation so much though. Because energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but its form can change. Well, the energy inside of me was greatly changing. I have been reading a book about tantric BDSM, which I've mentioned already, and the author says that she knows her kundalini snake. Her snake is a typical California Gardner Snake. I was amazed at how someone could know what "snake" they have as part of their kundalini rising. A few nights ago, I gained an image of mine. I was kind of scared to be honest. First of all, I don't like snakes. I despise eels. I get shudders of ickiness just thinking about them. However, this snake was different in my mind, and given it's type, I was surprised to say the least! The snake type that appeared to me was a viper! Why would a viper be my kundalini snake? They are filled with venom and poison. They are predatory. They attack. Even in defense they inject poison. How could that be a positive?

This question actually plagued me for a few days. I had to do more research into vipers and the different types. I noticed that they are intense. Their stares are deeply penetrating. They are always ready to strike at a moments notice. They seem to play mind games with their opponent until the time to strike. The more I read about them, the more I realized I did have a lot in common. It's these very traits that have caused me much grief in the past with my relationships. I wait to inject just the right insult at just the right time in order to subdue someone in an argument. Generally, this is done in defense, but I've certainly attacked this way as well. I constantly study people with intensity and veracity. So, okay, maybe the viper was my snake. What did that mean for this journey?

As my Super-Os subsided, and many were coming and going, in each "pause" I would focus on my energy. I would do this by feeling and getting an imagined visual of where my energy was flowing. Since I was young I could always feel my energy flowing into my hands. A few years ago, upon starting my Aneros journey, I began to feel the energy of my body split into its magnetic poles. I could actually tell which side was spinning the energy clockwise and counter-clockwise. The left side was counter-clockwise, the right clockwise. Even as recently as a few weeks ago I felt yet another level of energy perception. Having a great chat with a forum member, I could sense his energy all around, as well as mine, and in this immense which cloud of energy stood the two of us, as two full actualized shadow beings. We were in full presence together. This session brought on yet a new level of energy perception. This time I tried to embrace this "viper" and see what changes would occur.

As I began another Super-O, I imagined my viper starting its journey up my spine. It entered me after wrapping its way up my left leg. Once inside, I could tell how strongly my root chakra was energized due to the Syn already stimulating the prostate and base sexual functions. The viper basically by-passed that and went to the second chakra, the chakra of the sacral plexus. I wondered what a viper would to do enhance and charge a chakra in its rising. For a moment, it seemed as if we had a connection, and it was asking me the same thing. What should I do? I thought of the one thing a viper does. It sunk its fangs deep into my spinning sacral chakra and injected pure energy. It wasn't venom at all, but just essence. This became important later in my session. The viper began to rise and continue this process in all chakras, taking a moment in the throat chakra to express its own being. I was hissing audibly during my rolling Super-O. I was dancing with the vipers dance. We swayed in unison back and forth marching to the rhythm of the rolling orgasms. Eventually the viper moved up to the third eye chakra, and I began to see the dancing energy in the room around me. It was much like the other night, but this time I did not seeing specific dancing sprites. I just saw swirling energy. I stayed in this state for a few minutes just watching the curtain of physical reality dissolve into the energetic realm. The viper eventually moved to the crown chakra and opened up the rest of the way for me.

At this point, I had an experience similar to what fellow member Brine describes in his recent blog entry. I felt everything stop. All orgasmic energy stopped. All noise in my head stopped. Everything stood still. When it did resume, I was acutely aware of the world around me. I could hear people outside. I could hear the furnace run. Nothing was "background" noise any longer. It was all at the peak of my perception because my mind was fully open and no longer thinking about its own trivial matters. I was wondering if I would feel a Mit-O, as described by Artform, much like fellow member Brine had felt.

I don't think I did. I believe I felt something else entirely. I tried to perceive sexual energy on a cellular level, but my entire cellular level began to dissolve. Like the session with fellow members where our perception, our presence, was a dense, black shadow figure of being surrounded in a white energetic field, I was fully white this time around! I no longer had a "presence". I was just part of absolutely everything. My orgasms were so constant, so flowing, that I could not perceive any specifics at all. It was just totally encompassing. I stayed at this level for a few minutes. I felt every pleasure that seemed to reach out to me. Awareness was total. It was a truly unique, and total energy orgasm.

I returned from this orgasm, felt all my senses come back to me. Felt fully energized. I mean, my body was pretty much in a two hour cardio session, and I was fully energized! I felt no fatigue, no muscle soreness, nothing like that. I was as relaxed as I could be, as happy as I could be. It was an acknowledgement of the trust of kundalini energy as well as a trust that what I might perceive to be negative and scary, such as my snake being a viper, there is nothing that the universal forces of care and guidance will give us that will harm us in such a way. It was a gift. One made of energy, and one made of trust.

I was curious about why my levels of perception have been changing and why my snake took on the shape that it did. I came across this article which explained a lot to me personally.

I no longer feel my counter-clockwise, clockwise poles. I feel the energy rushing to my hands even more frequently now. I even have a greater sense of "total energy" presence around me most of the time. The article above answers why I feel that way. It truly was eye opening.

Good forum member and Rumel has said in chat, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I must be ready for something, because so many answers are coming to me. I am beyond thankful.

One final bit, in the article above, someone asks, but what do we do with all this energy? The answer was to spread it and teach others. I hope I am doing that in my small part. I also found a second use for the energy I am given/changing. I keep wanting to maintain an open heart, but daily life keeps giving me reasons to get hurt. My normal response to this is to close up a little, create the same psychological barrier that we all do. Maybe I get snarky back with someone or frustrated. Yesterday, I tried a different approach. At work, a customer was getting angry about their medication/insurance/normal daily issues that plague us everyday at the pharmacy. I was feeling attacked, hurt, and frustrated. I did something different though. Instead of creating the mental barrier that steeled me against their assault, I created an energetic barrier of joy and happiness around my heart. I wasn't going to let that person make me as angry as them and bring me down to their level. The energy I have is mine to use, and I'm going to shield their negativity with my choices, my desires, and my need to remain open. This is just another lesson that I'm learning. Staying open, willing to try, it isn't easy. It takes courage, support, and others thinking your not a total fool. I'm sure some read my posts and think I'm just awol crazy. I'm really not. I'm perfectly feeling, and it may seem different to some, scary to others, and just plain fiction to most. At any rate, I appreciate this space where I can share my thoughts openly, regardless of how they are received. Even in my last sentences, they speak of fear, fear of being ridiculed and rejected, but I make the choice to proceed anyway. I hope if nothing else that inspires others to step out of their comfort zones and try something different, even if it's just making your first Aneros purchase and trying. I assure you, in this journey, we make walk our own steps, but we do so surrounded by those who walk by us.

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Open Heart

Times like right now, this moment, give me reason and hope about what this universe just might be all about.

I sit now, thinking, as best as I can, about an hour after a wonderful 2 hour session with my new Syn.

Here's what makes this moment even more special.

Work was a total nightmare today. This is my 8th straight day working, and I'm in the middle of working 14 in a row. So, I have about another week straight to go. Needless to say, stress is just about paramount right now. At least it was.

I came home from work, at nearly 11:30 at night, and saw the box for my Syn sitting at my door step. Being mad that UPS, as usual, just leaves a package lying around that anyone can take if they were so inclined, I was thankful that that wasn't the case. I grabbed my package and went into my apartment.

I placed the box on my bed and started to decompress from work, which included basically changing my clothes and booting up my computer. I left the box on the bed and didn't even bother to open it. I knew what it was, but was too tired to even look inside. Instead, I came to Aneros chat and talked with Taran for a bit. Taran asked me if I was going to try out my new Syn, but I was honestly too tired. I didn't want a "dud" session right away. Aside from that, I didn't have time to prep my sacred space and create my mental space. I was just wanting to sleep so I could get up and go to work for day number 9 in a row. Ugh...

Well, being too tired to really even chat, I turned in early saying goodnight to Taran. There the box sat on the bed still fully wrapped. I thought I should at least open it and look at it. I was impressed with the packaging as always, and the device itself is functional art in my opinion. I then thought, well, what the hell. It's in my hands. I'm half dead anyway, I can't even think straight I'm so tired, why not see what happens? Generally, my best sessions start with me dozing off with Eupho inside of me anyway.

So, I used a thin coat of Vaseline and then a small layer of Sliquid on top of that. After inserting Syn, I went back to bed to lay down. I fell asleep, somewhat, to a very strong and nicely humming p-wave into dry-O combo. But, drift further into sleep I did. I woke after a brief power nap and noticed that my p-waves had stopped. My dry-Os had stopped. I thought, well, maybe that was it. Maybe it was just time for bed. I wasn't satisfied though. I gave a few strong contractions and could tell that I simply lost mobility due to the lube not being as slick. So, I lubed up again, this time with some Astroglide on top of the Vaseline. The Syn was humming again.

Each time I contracted I could feel concentric pulses resonating throughout my body. It was as if the Syn amplified my own body mechanics as well as adding its own to the mixture. The result was a wonderfully vibrant melody and harmony being physically attuned inside my body. It truly felt like a tuning fork was strumming strings of joy inside of me. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that the Syn was really Vice because of the vibrations.

I enjoyed these wonderful sensations for quite some time, maybe 30 minutes or longer. They would build up, lead to some great Dry-Os, then subside. This pleasant process kept me very happy for a good length of time. After a while though, they started to calm down. Perhaps this was the moment I should go to bed. Instead of sleeping, I found myself deep in forever space. The sensations were feeling so good I didn't want them to end. Once again, more lube was in order.

I removed my Syn, gave it a good cleaning, as I did the first time also, and this time used KY Jelly on top of the Vaseline. The results this time led the Syn to a much more mobile function and creating some astounding sensations. Super-Os were approaching as I felt my body rocking back and forth entering the zone of total pleasure. My whole body sways back and forth when I'm about to super-O. For whatever reason, my cheeks and forehead rub constantly on my pillow needing to be stimulated. This is how I know I'm entering true bliss.

I had a few great super-Os, and then the secondary effects started to occur. I felt my chakras start to open and align. My root chakra was already full blast from the Syn, and the strong abdominal contractions had sparked my second chakra. After a while, I felt the solar plexus and heart chakras open. Eventually, I felt all my chakras open. What was really interesting was when my third eye chakra opened, I could just see playful energy. It was as if sprites were dancing and giggling in the air. I lost all sense of space and was truly floating. It was as if I were under deep hypnosis. I could feel my body, could still feel my Syn inside me, but it was all secondary. The true moment of being was my pure essence free. I was free to interact with the universal energies. It's as if the barrier between perception and understanding split and allowed the two to merge into a true world without the veiled curtain. I stayed floating in this space for a time span I couldn't specify.

I thought about energy, love, connection, and what it all means. For that moment, for this moment, ignoring work, ignoring stress, just being, just totally open, I am perfect. Even my flaws are perfect. I even thought about my perpetual conflict with light and free energy versus the counterpoint dark and malicious energy. I even came to appreciate something that might not be anything but a killing machine, because it is perfection in its own state. Yeah, that last part is a little morose, but it is still a lesson that I can appreciate.

So, I sit here now, with an open heart. I think, even as my Syn lifted me gently to heights and limitless options, the universal energy gently lays me back down to Earth and my confined being. This really got me thinking about BDSM practice. There is a term called "aftercare". Once a Master and sub have a "session" the Master performs aftercare for the sub. This can be simple cuddling, or something more involved. Right now, I feel cuddled. I feel like I want to cuddle. I also feel safe and secure that no matter how high I fly, I won't simply be dropped once the moment is over. I will parachute into the land of "normalcy" once again with the loving hands of universal peace and love as the chute.

To those who might be looking to take a lesson away from this, let me just say, here are the four that I learned.

One, even though I wasn't as prepared as I normally was for a session, and didn't give all the rites and rituals that I normally do, I still had a curious and open mentality that something special might occur anyway, and it did.

Two, lube! When I was feeling the session slow down and grind to a halt, it was literally because the device was grinding instead of flowing. If you feel like things are fizzling out, do a quick, strong contraction or two. How's the lube?

Three, fear should never be a factor. This is a truth. I won't even say for me it's a truth. I firmly believe it's a truth. The Syn, and Aneros in general, Tantra, BDSM, whatever your choose, the buildup is gradual. There might be moments where a session starts off with a bang because the body was already ready, but for the most part, there is a warmup period. Never fear being "blown away" right out of the gate. Enjoy the pace that's naturally set. At the same time, don't fear being dropped suddenly once the bliss is over. How many men have sex, have an orgasm, then just up and leave the woman high and dry? Universally, this is not the case. Trust in the "aftercare" that will occur. Enjoy that engine of yours being revved up as high as it can go, because there will be a slow, gradual, and very enjoyable scaling back once the destination is reached. The destination is simply what we choose. I knew when my journey was over via intuition. I could just tell.

Four, be fully open WHEN YOU CAN! Right now, my heart is fully open. This can be dangerous, but in this safe context, it is utter peace. Why don't we have an open heart and open self all of the time? We live that answer every day. We get attacked. We get hurt. We sometimes need to close up and just recenter ourselves and be ourselves. But, when the moment allows, be fully open. It's freeing and liberating. I don't always need to fly high and free. It's the times when I can that I enjoy them the most because they are so special.

I end this entry by saying that I have found starting a blog enjoyable. I really appreciate that I can connect with my fellow members and brothers of the Aneros community. I can be open. I can share freely. Some may gain insight. Others may criticize. I can accept praise as well as criticism. We are all brothers on the same journey. We all have our own unique lens of perspective. I just share mine. It is my hope that with many lenses looking towards a similar goal we can see farther together than we ever can alone.

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I have been doing research into tantric BDSM. This pursuit has given me much insight into several sexual aspects that I embrace, but never had an exact name for. I have been learning breathing techniques, mental exercises, chakra balancing, and overall conscious awareness. One of the great things I've been learning is how to make a space sacred. This can include ritual and alters etc...but can be as simple as mentally removing all distractions of daily life and simply being fully present and conscious in the moment. Some may use salt or sage to create a physical circle around a space to signify the area sacred, others may just perform certain routine. For example, in a BDSM scene, preparing the toys, cleaning them, setting them out, getting the ambiance just right with music and lighting can create a sacred space. It's building up the scene and removing daily life and distraction.

Wanting to focus on how I can make my Aneros session sacred, essentially how can I remove the daily distraction of quotidian life and blend into this wonderful ecstasy journey, I performed a few rituals myself. First, I used a gentle anal douche and cleaned myself out fully. While I normally do this anyway, this time I do so with full conscious intent and presence to realize this is the first step for me. I am choosing to enter into a session with the best intent to block out distraction and daily life and enjoy what Aneros has to offer for me. I felt the water go into me and rest and fully enjoyed the anal stimulation provided by the nubs on the douche itself. When the water released, I felt fully released. I just let go and let it all flow. It was cathartic and enjoyable. After a few rounds of that, I took a shower. I wanted to clean my body and my mind. After working all day, being sweaty and dirty doesn't really make me feel comfortable whey I'm lying in bed naked. While I let the water run over me, I also let my stress wash away. I employed some breathing and visualization techniques to start focusing my mind into slipping into a receptive role. When my body was clean, I shaved my anal area and perineum. When I washed away all the loose hair and cleaned that area once more with soap, I was so sensitive touching myself that my arousal was starting to really warm up.

After drying off and finishing my shower, I started to lube up my Eupho and think about what role I want to imagine this session.

I have to preface myself just a little bit here. I think I have a wonderful characteristic that I have often felt shame for. I have not only felt shame, but weakness for how I am. I have finally learned to embrace all of who I am and have just taken off as a person and sexually as well. I am a male, but mentally I am a male with a very strong female side to me. I feel emotions very strongly and feminine. I act as both male and female, but when I feel my most sexual, my most prominent sexually, it is when I truly let the female out to embrace her power and her control. I find the grace and allure of feminine power and sexuality to be the epitome of sexy. Even the men I'm attracted to are feminine. This always poses a conundrum for me because I want to be taken. So, how do I have a femme guy take me? Well, that is a bit of a moot point in my life right now, but it's oh so much fun to imagine.

Not only do I share a male/female persona in one body and have learned to act as both in a fluid oneness, both were very compartmentalized for a long time which did cause some serious depression and unhappiness, I also have a strong Dom/sub persona living inside of me as well. My whole life has been about who is in charge. Perhaps this is due to my up bringing, or maybe just an innate need to know where I belong and what my role is. I'm not sure. It's just who I am, and I've accepted that. In the BDSM community I would be known as a switch. So, I guess if you want to break things down, I'm a bit of a genderbent switch. When I'm Dom, I'm fully masculine. When I'm submissive, I'm fully femme. It's not because I feel that men should be in charge and women not, it's just that's how I feel and what makes me happy.

All of this explanation leads up to my session last night. As I prepare my Eupho, who do I want to be tonight? I have near limitless options. So, I quiet my mind and go with my natural feeling. Tonight, I wanted to be the submissive slut girl. I insert my Eupho and head into bed. I have a towel down on my bed already and, with Eupho inserted, lay belly down on the towel. Belly down was for two reasons. First, I have a pinched nerve in my L4-L5 and sacral plexus. This causes sciatic pain to run down my leg and into my foot. Laying belly down allows me to rest on my forarms to remove the pressure on the compressed disc. Second, it allows me to enter a submissive state of humbleness for my imagined Master.

In such a state, the excitement was immediate. I truly felt that my anal area was my pussy. I spread my legs wide because I pictured my Master behind me ordering me to do so. He wanted to see his sluts wetness and excitement. And was I ever excited! P-waves started blasting through me like no other. My energy was pouring out of me and all around me. He gave me imagined orders and I followed them to the letter. I truly felt like I had a vagina that was oozing sex and eros. The p-tab on the Eupho felt like my hard clit. I was truly in the moment. I was involved so deeply that I nearly forgot about my very hard cock except for one or two very strong contractions. Prostate fluid and precum was leaking out of me so naturally that I also imagined that to be my wetness growing.

I kept thinking back to what I was reading about tantric BDSM. I let go and embraced what my body and mind wanted at the time. I imagined the pain of my inner thighs being flogged and that pain radiating throughout my body. This caused my inside to vibrate and stimulate my prostate even more. I was shaking the whole bed from thrusting and convulsing with pleasure. The heat and sting from the imagined shots flowed through me and out of me.

Mentally, I loved being the "good girl". I fully embraced that role and was truly happy. I felt fully receptive and in turn had a wonderful session because I was receptive to the pleasure of Aneros as well. After a while of being on my stomach, or face down with ass up in the air, I did switch to lay on my back. Immediately my feet came together and my hands just lay at my side palms up. Then energy pouring out and through me was incredible. Nothing about what I was feeling was dark at all. Nothing was pain or hurt. It was all fully embraced and created by me and accepted by me. I just lay calm and peaceful seeing the energy rise up and around me. My eyes were closed, but everything was so vivid and bright energy wise that I felt like my eyes were open. Indeed they were, but to another field of vision. The energy lattice was being visualized as I reached out and connected with other energies reaching back to me. At one point I drifted off to a faint sleep.

I don't know how much time I passed in that faint sleep, but I woke to a rising Super O. My cock suddenly snapped to full attention and was pouring with orgasmic energy. I felt like it might open and spill its orgasm at any moment. That entire sensation rushed through my entire body and being. I was no longer the femme girl slut, but myself in my normal male state enjoying all the sensations of being male. I felt full body stimulation and shaking. I reached great pleasure heights and Os, and Super-O. I rubbed my nips because they felt like they wanted to be rubbed for the first time in ages. I rode the wave that was washing over me.

Many refer to this pleasure as a wave. It's also called that in tantra. I truly is a wave. In physics, waves are absolutely everywhere. Sin waves, audio waves, light acts as a wave and particle. So, I think it's only natural that we perceive such energy as waves. As well, we also sometimes call our rising pleasure a brewing storm. Some get scared of the storm coming, but we are one with the storm. We are the same energy. We are able to fly with the storm and let it pass and wash over us. We cannot control the storm, but we can experience it if we let go of our need to control and fear long enough.

I had several rises and falls of this nature until I decided I wanted to finish and go to bed. I have also been reading that when one enters such heightened states of ecstasy they can enter the Forever Space. This is an area where we can literally stay forever because it is so enjoyable. Imagine being out with friends or having a genuine good time. Haven't we all thought at one point or another, "Man, I could do this forever." The truth is, reality doesn't let us. I had had my fun and found some great insights about myself and was ready to leave my Forever Space. I had to bring myself back down. I choose to end with a Super T. I wanted to just embrace that feeling as well. I was not disappointed in the least. Stroking my cock felt so good that I had to stop several times and let the over stimulation subside before I could resume again. The result was a full moaning, body induced, bed shaking orgasm. It was a blissful moment.

I feel truly blessed to be able to take these individual journeys inside of myself. I look forward to taking such insight and practice into my partnered play. Being a dynamic person that has strong femme qualities has given me the empathy and understanding of acceptance and grace. Embracing my submissive side has shown me the joy and happiness that I feel from serving. Both can give me invaluable insight into wanting to be more dominant. I can sense from my partner that what she does is out of love for me but also an innate happiness and sense of pride that her actions cause me joy. It is the same feeling that I embraced last night.

After feeling apathetic about an Aneros session for some months now, and having apathetic results in a session, approaching last night's session with a trifecta of sexuality really opened an erotic door towards higher pleasure, peace, happiness, bliss, and ecstasy. This is exactly what I was hoping for in starting this particular journey. If this is my first step, I look forward to many more. I honestly can't wait until next time to see what role, what gender, and what heights await for me.

I would strongly encourage any who feel that they have a part of themselves that they hide from others, you might be hiding it from yourself too. At least allow yourself to embrace who you are when you can and how you can. Take pride that you are the great person you are no matter how you feel. The universe accepts and loves all. We should at the very least accept and love all of who we are. If we can't love ourselves, how can we expect to love others? Until next time, I wish all those who take the time to read this to approach their explorations with curiosity and excitement. Take care all.

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Through my shadow

Carl Jung wrote of the shadow. The shadow is an archetype. Much like the word mother creates an innate feeling of sensation and thoughtful images of ideas and ideals, the word shadow has its own connotations and meaning. We all have a shadow. It follows us, generally out of sight, out of mind. Left unchecked, what does the shadow do? How does it behave? Does it mirror or follow my actions as I believe it to do? Without my conscious acknowledgement and observation of it, I cannot know.

To those who wish to follow my journey, I have had much internal debate as to whether I should even post this or not. How much do I share? How much do I tell relative strangers? Indeed, perhaps here, where I feel a strong connection to community, I feel safest of all stating what I feel, but there is risk to everything. What if what I say ends up as evidence towards my own conviction? What do I hope to gain? Do the risks outweigh the benefits?

The shadow, ever murky, ever dark, ever dancing and darting. Through my shadow, what lies beyond? Like a black hole, the suction of such a journey can be powerful and equally as scary. Will a new understanding and insight be found beyond? Will the shadow wrap around me so tightly that I loose my way? These are the fears of engaging in such a journey.

What then do I hope to be the goal? If such risks exist, do equal rewards? Light cannot exist without dark. Two halves cannot be whole unless combined. How many of us feel old pain, hurt, jealously, fear, anger, and bury it? How many have desires that are darker, more sinister, and run from them? In the end, the shadow still follows. How many turn around, look into the black swirl, and jump through?

It is a difficult journey, but with patience, hope, connection, love, and understanding, it is one that I hope to travel.

My goal with this blog is to combine several aspects of my sexuality into one cohesive blending. These areas include, BDSM, anal and prostate sensation, energy manipulation/understanding, and some really deep soul searching.

Not all of the posts will be uplifting by nature, but should at least be informative and insightful. Sometimes, feeling the pain, living the hurt, acknowledging the jealously, reducing to anger, and truly living these negative emotions can be a completion of oneself. I do feel these. We all do. I do have desires that go beyond simple pleasure. I'm not so sure if others feel that way or not. I know that by denying what I feel, I cast my inner most self into shadow and loose part of who I am. If I cannot love myself fully, for everything within me, and become better, safer, and more able to love those around me, what good does my own personal pleasure have?

As of right now, I have taken a deep, and conflicting journey within myself already to ask these questions. Thanks to Artform, Brine, and Taran for a most wonderful chat last night that gave me two things, one was a compass, and the other a map, that I might be able to travel down this road without fear of loosing myself. The compass was love. The map is the connections of those close to me. By loving myself, and all those around me, I stay true to myself, even if engaging in activities that fully embrace my darker desires. Love is always key. Without love, boundaries are lost, sympathy is gone, and the ending result could very well be abuse. The map of connections keeps me to close to those who love me as well. In forming strong bonds, I take solace in knowing that I do belong. I do exist. I am a good person. I contribute to the well being of others.

For now, I must venture into the depths of my own mind and desires to find my arousal points. It is in this end that I hope to use Aneros to further my observations.

I have great experience in feeling energetic forces and connections during an Aneros session. I have learned how my own energetic and magnetic poles align within myself. I have reached out and felt a community of energy and like spirits. I have felt them reach out to me. The end result has always been one of light, of love, of peace, and of joy. It is in this manner that I hope to use my observatory prowess to explore safely the depths of my darker desires. The need to control, to have submission before me, and to inflict on another my desires is paramount to this journey. What is most difficult about this is that I genuinely hate seeing people in pain and believe in equality. Yet, I seek someone who WANTS to submit to me. This is a sign of love for me. In turn, my own desire to posses leads me into a strong role of protector and provider. This is the crux of my shadow. My internal struggle to give and assist conflicts with the internal need to control and posses.

Stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side, I have taken steps already to balance my nature and my desire. This exploration is my journey.

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