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Aneros Blogs > Road to Love and Acceptance (by kevin1984)

Starting to let go of myself and my fears.

This past week I had contact with my family in a way that stirred up anger and fear, which led to renewed feelings of self-loathing and doubt. Much of this anger and fear is about my parents and how they treated me in the past. The self-loathing came from seeing my parents as "evil" beings and seeing myself (unconsciously) as an extension of them.

That contact with my family ended on Friday. I have been reading about Buddhism and practicing Buddhist meditations lately, so I began that practice again on Friday in an attempt to "recover." I also attempted to have a session Friday night. While it was intense and pleasurable (especially since it had been a week since my last ejaculation) I found I wasn't able to "break through" into that special place where I am perfectly loved and accepted. In particular, at the gateway to that place I found an incredible loneliness and need for validation.

On Saturday I began reading some Buddhist discourse on fear and the nature of fear. Much of what I read talked about how many of our fears are an extension of the original fear of abandonment and death we develop when we leave the womb, since at that time being abandoned means death. I began to see how these ideas were at play in my relationship with my parents and my pattern of self-doubt. My parents are the type to love people conditionally, and I started to see why the fear of losing them caused me so much pain. I saw that that fear of abandonment was tied to my fears around death and survival. The book I was reading recommended meditative exercises where the inner (fearful) child was allowed to express these fears, and the adult self then comforted the inner child--reminding it that it can now survive on its own and give itself love.

I wanted to do this exercise in a session, since I've had lots of success lately channeling self-love during sessions. I felt "blocked" though. Thinking about the causes of my fear had made me angry at my parents. At a certain point I was literally pacing my apartment with anger. In my imagination, I was fighting with my parents, trying to convince them of how terrible they had been. After doing this for some time, I realized what I was doing and how exhausting it was. Finally, somehow in that moment, I relaxed a little and tried to empathize with my parents.

And boy did I empathize. I suddenly saw how many of their unskillful actions were similar to unskillful ways I had acted. Then I thought about how I felt when I took those unskillful actions, and how they had really arisen from my suffering. I started to realize that my parents must suffer terribly as people. I saw how that suffering is the result of events that happen in a larger context, that myself and my parents arise in that context, so myself and my parents weren't "good or evil." I realized how much of my self-loathing was related to anger for my parents. That being angry at them was being angry at myself, since our suffering and its causes were so similar. In this meditation I began to feel that being angry at anyone was being angry at myself.

This meditation and thought process was very intense, so I took a break for a bit to eat some dinner. During this time I also found myself on Skype, trying to draw my comrades into a joint session or into observing me have a session. I knew this was because of the loneliness I had experienced the night before, and that that loneliness came from my fear. I knew the antidote to this was not to seek the validation of others, but rather to give myself lovingkindness and compassion. To remind myself that I was a man now that could survive, and that I had love for myself. I knew these things but it was a few hours before I finally "let go" and allowed myself to be with myself to do this meditation through a session.

I tried watching some erotic content to start my arousal, but found I wasn't connecting with it so went right to the session.

Sometimes when I want to be very internally focused, I put in ear plugs and blindfold myself before beginning a session. Being cutoff from sight and sound helped me focus on myself and my internal emotional state. On my back, knees bent, feet on the bed, I quickly erupted into physical and emotional sensations as my PC muscles began to massage my prostate.

Immediately the fear came and I realized how I'd run from it the whole day. I let the fear be there as my prostate throbbed and my erection grew. It was fine to feel fear and I could let myself. I let my inner child say "I'm so afraid of being alone. I'm so afraid I'll be left alone forever."

My head started to glow as the light began to trickle from my prostate up to my brain. The warm fuzziness of love started to fill my skull. My thoughts slowly began to melt into "I'm not alone because I love myself, and because of that, I'm with everyone. I don't have to be afraid anymore, but it's okay if I am. I'm okay as I am. I can be as I am and not worry about other people abandoning me."

I became very in-touch with my body. My head and prostate "vibrated" in unison. Thoughts started melting away. The occasional pang of fear would shoot through me then be comforted away automatically. The energy was indescribable. Flashes of erotic imagery entered my mind and made my prostate boil, then faded away. The erotic imagery eventually ceased and then all that filled my mind was the sensations in my prostate and body. Fear came and left, came and left. The fear of these new sensations, this new place, began to melt into awe.

I'm not sure exactly when I started to do the big draw exercise. It was all automatic. But the sensation of energy arcing up my spine into a tornado of energy in my head was profound. I automatically touched my tongue to the roof of my mouth and allowed the energy to flow and arc down into my belly. Then right back into my prostate, through my legs to my feet into the bed. Also out my throbbing penis. Flowing through me and out of me and connecting me to everything.

I wish I had words to describe this. I wish I could communicate how profound what happened next was, but alas there are no words.

In the midst of this spiritual and physical sensation, I suddenly had a thought: "I haven't been thinking." I writhed and screamed and thought about how I was losing myself. I focused on the ring of energy coursing up my spine to my skull and back down into my prostate and realized I could lose myself in it. I was afraid and then I comforted myself.

I have been reading lately about how letting go can be such a deep thing it is almost like dying. That letting go can represent a loss of self like death, and that this is in fact joyous because it connects us to everything. In the midst of this powerful super-o, when this fear of losing myself came, I suddenly said "You can die. You don't need this self. You can die. Let go! Let go!"

I wish there was another word besides "death" to describe this letting go, because death sounds so negative. Yet death is the only word that describes what happened to my sense of self in that moment. In that moment I did not exist. In that moment I was nothing. Because of that I was everything and connected to everyone. I had no fear. I was only the moment and the moment was forever.

If only there were words. I have never experienced anything like this before. For the first time last night I really let go of myself.

I couldn't tell you how long I stayed in this place. When I left the place I realized how I was screaming and moaning and writhing intensely. I realized that the ring of energy flowing through me was the most intense I'd ever felt. Could I take this much? How was this much possible? I realized that cycling the energy out of my prostate through my body and back into my prostate had generated an erotic tempest. I could feel the energy shooting out of the stiffest erection of my life. I just knew what I had to do, that even if I didn't want to I had to return to myself and let time and this session pass.

I took one testicle in each hand, gently cupping them. I felt the energy continue to flow through my body, but then a new glow of light start to smolder in my prostate. It felt like my testicles were slowly expanding and radiating sensation out of my body into the universe. I simply held them gently and let the feelings happen.

The ejaculation was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I felt my prostate gently "spill" my ejaculate at the base of my penis. I felt the liquid and energy flow out of my prostate to the base of my penis and pool there. It felt like this wonderfulness sat there for minutes, but it must have been only moments. Then I felt the base of my penis open up and let the fluid pass. Like spiritual lava it flowed up my shaft and it felt like my shaft was all of me. Like me entire body was one ejaculating penis. When my semen left me it was like i could still feel it even as it flowed outside of my body. I could feel the joy of all the life contained in my semen.

Covered in my stickiness, I panted and panted and giggled and laughed and felt warm and at home. I felt so grateful. I felt like I'd moved forward.

I am so excited by this practice I'm cultivating. I'm so excited by the possibility of accepting and loving myself so totally. I am so excited by how developing this love and acceptance of myself connects me to others.

Again, I wish I had the words. I hope I described this well enough. I hope my sharing helps others and I wish you all the best. Thank you all for helping me face my fears and walk down this road to love and happiness.

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A lesson about loving others and myself.

About half an hour ago, I concluded the most profound session I've ever experienced. I have never written an account of a session before, so bare with me as I try to describe what was a deeply emotional and enlightening experience.

I'll start with a little background about myself. I'm a 30 year old single bisexual man living on the West Coast USA. I have been riding for about 2 years. I began riding after I read about Super-Os on the Internet and thought, "who wouldn't want to soup up their orgasms?" My journey began in hedonism, but as with so many others my path has twisted into a spiritual forest.

This twist began with my first Super-O this past November, or rather, the glow of love I found inside that Super-O. The past few years of my life have also been a quest to build self-compassion and heal old wounds, which is why I felt the need to nurture and explore that glow. Soon, my quest to sink deeper into the emotional dimensions of the Super-O and my life's spiritual quest were intertwined. I spoke with members about their spiritual experiences with the Aneros and tried to foster connection, began to meditate both in and out of sessions, and generally worked on loving and accepting myself. As time passed, I developed the ability to have powerful a-less sessions, which made it easier to incorporate the practice into my life's journey.

To set the stage for today, recently user @artform suggested I read "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia and I started to work through it this week. I was struck by its description of channeling erotic energy in the body, and particularly the "Cool Draw" and "Big Draw" exercises. I realized that I had been mimicking something similar to achieve Super-Os: using my PC and anal muscles to pump energy from my prostate up my spine to my brain, and then down into my abdomen. Excited, I decided to withhold ejaculating )something I hardly ever do( to build energy. This week was busy professionally, so I didn't have much time to be erotic anyway, but in spare moments I'd feel some of that extra energy and I'd cycle it through my body as described in the book.

Today I began leaking a little prostate fluid after urinating. This happens to me after I stop ejaculating for a few days: a few seconds after the flow of urine ceases a few drops of milky fluid will make their way out of me with a tingle. This happening in the past has always made me feel erotically charged, and today was no different. In the early afternoon I shared a session with a friend online, and had a magical Super-O that was enhanced as I tried to imitate The Big Draw. Afterwards, I finished up some work and felt accomplished, then had some dinner. I contemplated meditating or listening to a talk, but something inside me was still stirring.

Soon, without much thought, I found myself spreading my comforter on the floor to serve as a cushioned space I could lie on. I like to do this so I can lie down with my headphones plugged into my speaker system. I put on one of @BigOLuvers recorded sessions, which I'd yet to listen to. Within a few seconds of listening I'd stripped my boxers and pulled my shirt up to my neck. On my back, with my knees bent and feet on the floor, my body began to instinctively pump the energy from my swollen prostate up my spine into my brain.

Soon, listening to the recording was too much effort. As my body writhed I clumsily cast my headphones off. I concentrated on the circuit running from my prostate up my spine to my brain, feeling the energy in bursts. I soon began visualizing a blue tornado of energy in my brain, like a rotating spindle winding up electric threads being pulled from their source in my prostate. My muscles pumped and pumped until my head felt so warm and full, and then I remembered I should press my tongue to the roof of my mouth and channel the energy into my belly.

I did so, and the flow of energy triggered intense pleasure. With more clarity than earlier in the day, I felt the energy flow from my prostate to my head into the swirling tornado, then down my throat and sternum and into my belly. There was a loop of light and love shooting from my throbbing erection to a pool of contentment and love mixing in my belly.

I felt the erotic energy drain from my brain and released my tongue. I writhed and giggled against the floor as my pelvis greedily pumped more energy to my brain and my erection leaked precum that felt like sparks flowing out of me. The tornado began swirling inside my brain again, and a deluge of erotic imagery came.

It's not unusual for this to happen to me during a session. Images of strong men holding me and thrusting into me, telling me to let go--those are common. Being inside a beautiful and comforting woman, and imagining her orgasming with me is another favorite. Masturbating with another man as he experiences what I experience. Sometimes just beautiful naked people. Often these images are fleeting and occur in rapid succession. The people in them are usually completely made up, or a celebrity, or sometimes a person I know very casually )hmm the mailman sure is cute(.

On the leading edge of the deluge came one of my favorites )oh geeze I'm embarrassed( Anderson Cooper making love to me. After a few moments he became an imaginary woodsmen with rugged black stubble and tight muscles. The tornado continued sucking my erotic energy from my prostate like a vacuum pump, and my head cleared, and then *she* was with me.

About 2 years ago a woman came into my life. It wasn't love at first sight, but one day I turned around and I knew I loved her. I've avoided serious relationships my entire life, and so although I felt she was attracted to me I never pursued it. As time passed I saw her and my best friend begin to connect, and they forged a new relationship while I was left imagining what could have been. As is typical of me, I didn't talk much about this with anyone and have kept it a secret. I also just figured that if I ignored it all eventually I just wouldn't be in love with her. But so often I found my brain imagining they had broken up, and that her and I were now together, before I'd catch myself and try to swallow it down.

This woman and my friend live together now. They're a unit and obviously on the road to marriage. We've also learned more about each other and truth be told her and I would genuinely be an awful match. Armed with this knowledge I've tried to tell myself that I'm all over it. Of course, nothing buried is gone.

She appeared in my erotic deluge naked and riding on top of me. I made eye contact with her as my hips bucked up to meet her's grinding into me. She gently caressed her stomach, breasts, and hair as she moved with a loving expression on top of me. I felt us making love in another, crisp world. I realized that, despite my desire for her, I'd never actually envisioned her like this or us together like this. Maybe because it seemed disrespectful of her and my friend. I don't know. It didn't matter and I didn't care. For maybe 30 seconds I existed in this state, making love to the image of a woman I'd wanted very deeply, and on some level still did.

She then vanished, and I knew she would never love me like that. I'd always known this rationally. The thought had crossed my mind several times. But then I just *knew* it. I'm not sure when, but I had started pressing my tongue into the roof of my mouth again, and love was circulating through me. It flowed past my eyes and leaked out in tears as I wept.

In that moment, I then knew that I could have had a relationship with her if I had acted on my feelings, and that I didn't act on my feelings because I didn't feel worthy at the time. I never feel good enough. Then, images of 4 other people from my past jumped in my head. These were also men and women that I could have had relationships with, or could have continued relationships with, if I had approached them from a place of worthiness. Because I didn't love myself, I didn't have the courage to ask them out, or to fight the forces in my life that were keeping us apart. Why take those kinds of chances when you don't think you're worth it anyway?

As the river of erotic love circulated in my body, and as I cried tears of mourning and joy, I knew more than words could ever say that you can't love others if you don't love yourself. That was okay. I wasn't judging myself. I wasn't getting down on myself. I just accepted all this.

In the next moment, I knew I was okay. I knew I was fine. I knew I was better than fine. I felt my soul-work this past year, and how much more I loved myself today than in the past. I acknowledged my improvements, and the new connections in my life. I writhed and wept, and images of people showing their love for me, in big and small ways, came to me. Sessions I've shared with other Aneros members. Encouragement given to me by co-workers. Friends showing how they wanted to spend time with me.

And then I saw myself telling myself that I loved myself. I knew it was okay that *she* didn't love me that way, because I loved myself, and that was okay.

I laughed with joy as I realized what a calm and connected sea I was floating in. I laughed as I floated among the stars and felt the universe hug me. I shed more tears as the last of the tornado in my mind flowed into my belly, and the last ounce of my mourning for my lost chance with *her* followed all the others into my sea of self love. I felt ready to let another love in my life.

When I returned to Earth, I found myself in the fetal position, lightly sobbing and giggling. A trace of sadness floated in me, but then I felt proud of how I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel without turning away. I turned toward that bit of sadness and felt it dissolve. The air felt clear and my vision crisp. Hunger took me. I made a snack. I felt I had to share, and now I've written this. I wanted to let people know about this feeling of my heart opening. I could have never imagined this two years ago, and I hope hearing this helps someone feel connected and encouraged to continue on the path.

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