I was supposed to be with her all this week. I cancelled. Its complicated.
A friend recently said to me, kindly, " I don't pretend to understand your relationship with AG".
Kids, I don't pretend to understand it either.
She is a prostitute )in a country where it is legal(, an adept with Aneros or manual prostate massage, a mystic, and a kindred spirit. She fuccks like a tiger, and I fucck her back like a tiger; even among prostitutes this is rare for me.
I spent a weekend with her at her home recently. Met her two boys. Met several friends of hers. We had a blast. We made love in ways that were so tender and intimate...I simply cannot express to you how it was so different from the usual prostitute experience, it was way off the charts from that. And yet, that could just be the 'technique' she uses when she sees that a guy is hooked.
The terrible truth about sex with prostitutes is that then entire thing is based on lies and deception. My experience with prostitutes has taught me to be so cynical that, even if AG is the 14 Carat Gold Cast Genuine Article, I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth...ever. And on some levels, that just stinks to high hell. And I hate it about myself....that I know this and am this person. But it's self-preservation.
Still....I'm so blind to the realities of this. I'm quite infatuated...a dangerous condition.
So I'm 'distancing' myself from her. I am working to suppress the feelings of love and wanting to be with her more.
The Aneros journey has awakened me to my flaws. I realize now, more than ever, how needful of romantic love I am. My wife does not provide that for me. Thank god she agreed to an 'open marriage'. But that agreement doesn't suddenly fix my flaws..it exacerbates them, brings them straight to light.
Anxiety and incompleteness. I'm much better along towards healing myself of Anxiety Disorder )THANK YOU to the guys who have posted here in the past...I found encouragement and links to resources(. I'm progressing, with a long way to go, towards loving myself first, and finding all the love I need within myself first. As it is I still am 'needy'. That's weak, and miserable. It leads to bad choices.
"It's strange what desire will make foolish people do." -- "Wicked Games", Chris Isaak
She makes love to me so intensely. We both know how to share energy and it explodes between us.
Makes me blind.
So I'm drawing back, physically and emotionally. I can't do this to myself.
Oh yeah, I'll see her again. Of course I will. but not for a month or so.
I'm pretty unhappy about protecting myself like this but I have to. Until I can be more emotionally self-sufficient, less needy of 'connection' I have to keep a wall around me.
The Aneros journey has taken me into realms I never imagined. I'm going to have to do a post on the thing that led to this stuff with AG; )my heart chakra opened, and I fell in love with someone. It kicked my ass terribly, but I discovered that I needed 'fixing'(.
Thanks to resources such as Brenee Brown )see her youtube TEDTalk at TED_X Houston(, online Anxiety Disorder coping tools )I've got this for life guys, but I'm SO much healthier now that I have tools to deal with it(, friends here who have offered solid advice, the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", websites such as mgtow.com and blowmeuptom.com. Also, my rediscover of Tantra as well as my focus on energy work, kundalini, and working with my chakras.
This has been a lot of effort. Not just ass-play fun. heheheheheh. And I'm the better for it.
.....and I miss her.....
I don't pretend to understand it. I'm taking logical, calculated steps to be healthier,
...and I miss her.